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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Wow! This was so descriptive that it gave me the creeps(I don't really like bugs xD)! I've always found rhyming poems slightly difficult but you did a great job! Keep at it!
Hello again! This is Sumer here and I am actually not leaving a review, just a simple comment.
I would like to say I believe this is so so much better. It's great even. The flow is smooth and I can definitely see the improvement! Also, thank you for taking my review into consideration enough to switch up a few things on your work. I hope to see more and more of your work ( even if it is about bugs) here, and soon.
-Sumer
Hello! Sumer here to pop in and give you a quick review.
Alright, I'd like to start off by saying I think this is a sweet little poem. I love when poems are short and sweet! Now I did see three issues that seemed to catch my eye.
One being stanzas, it's a simple little thing but you need to always make sure your stanzas make sense and are in good order.
Example:
'A dream of lying in bed —
and what lies ahead.
Nectar sits in the drum,
pomegranate juice and plum,
flowing out cracks.
The bugs it attracts'
See I think it would be better if you organized it differently and it might even help the flow of things.
Example:
'A dream of lying in bed
and what lies ahead.
Nectar sits in the drum,
pomegranate juice and plum,
flowing out cracks.
The bugs it attracts
are all I seem
to see in my dream.'
Then you could go back to a simple two line A-A pattern and continue that way throughout your poem.
The second thing that caught my eye would be repetition. In lines 9 and 10 you use 'two' and 'too', they of course are two different words w/ two different meanings but they still sound the same and this can be a form of repetition.
Now the last thing I'd like to make a comment on would be patterns, your patterns seem to all over the place, w/ your stanzas being confusing and all. See you seem to have an A-A-B-B-C-C pattern but then your stanzas make that very confusing and in the 7th line you could make that two lines to complete the pattern and turn the whole thing into an A-A-B-B pattern. Then after line 7 you decide to switch it up and go w/ the A-B-A pattern instead and I honestly believe thus gives a poem character so I wouldn't change that just simply make it noticeable you're changing the flow of things. And after that stanza it all becomes very confusing, it seems like you tried to rhyme but then decided not to. Maybe revise it then it would make more sense.
Other than that I do think the story is great and I think I wouldn't be very happy having dreams about bugs. As always continue to write great poems that tell an even better story!
-Sumer
Hey there SpiritSails,
So, I noticed that in the beginning of your poem you stuck to a pretty sound rhyme scheme where every two lines rhymed. However it was here where the scheme seemed to get a little twisted, particularly the two bolded lines. Now I see that 'waste' and 'haste' rhyme but since there in the same line, it doesn't do anything for the flow. As well, 'crawl' doesn't seem to have any rhyming partner at all. I don't know if this was all intentional but right now it makes the flow near the end of the poem kind of choppy.Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.
Normally this doesn't happen, but I actually really enjoyed this piece so I don't really have anything to review in depth about. But, I would like to point out a few things:
Going in a little deeper, these were the three lines that I felt killed the pacing/flow near the end. Maybe it's just me but I didn't really like it. I would suggest maybe playing around with word flow a bit.
Other then that, I think you have a pretty sound poem here. I like the variation in lines and how you didn't capitalize each start of a line. On that note, just remember that you don't have to add punctuation to each line, sometimes it makes the line stronger when there is nothing there at all. Good luck, continue writing and if you have any questions feel free to ask.