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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Darkness Falling

by Spenser


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

-Prelude-

1

Renn Venroy heir to the White Dragon kingdom stood atop a snow covered mountain. He stared over the six city’s that comprised his homeland, what seemed like a red ball of fire flew up from one of them and within seconds a woman had joined him. “What in hell are you doing up here?” the woman asked, she took her place beside him. “Zara how old am I?” Renn asked in a bleak tone, “I am not going to play this game with you brother dear.” Renn turned to face her “then what the fuck are you doing here” his sister, unfazed by the anger in his tone lifted her hand and said “BOOK” and just like that a binder opened in front of her. “ I am here to bring you back home, father wants a word” she said taking a card from the book, then at the top of her lungs she yelled “ACCOMPANY ON WHITE HALL.” A ball of red flame started rise up around them, “You really are a funny one Zara” Renn said before darting out of the circle. The flames enveloped his sister and she shot off. Renn considered for a moment, then he summoned his own binder and yelled “MAGNETIC FORCE ON Zara” and just like that he was off after his sister.

2

White hall was a towering castle made of marble. Three towers coiled around a raised cylinder. The castle had been gift to king Gillied from the Tall Men from the south. Renn now stood inside the throne room staring down his family. “I must ask son, what is it that you find so appealing about standing on top of a mountain for excessive amounts of time?” King Edgar Venroy asked. “If it’s the breast like shape of the neighboring mountains that draws you so, i must inform you that there is no shame in taking a concubine” his brother Desceon said. “Honestly, you have everything, women, spells, money, wine, a place to live. The list goes on and on” His sister Zara was speaking. “You all just don’t get it, the view of that mountain top is fantastic” Renn said firmly, he waited a second before adding “ I mean it’s not like I’m doing anything bad up there, I’m just staring in to the void.” Renn’s mother Alys had remained silent for most of the exchange but now she felt the will to speak “he’s getting those dam nightmares” She said with a note of distain. Edgar looked at her shocked “You mean the ones that drove your father mad” Alys nodded dully. “Son, you will go have a chat with Addison and Etty, if they give the all clear you can stair at the view for as long as you like” Edgar had barely finished speaking when a knight burst through the door. “King I am sorry to disturb you at during your intervention” Edgar sighed picked up his helm and sword and started toward the man. “Asher, get to the point, I’m having a moment with my son” Edger said. “The Crowly’s are on the move, they’ll reach Peyton manor within the hour.” Edgar cursed and looked at his wife “go” she said “save old man Peyton, he is such a treat to laugh at.” With no further need for permission he ran out the shouting orders at Asher.

3

A murder of crows flew over the huge marble castle as Edgar and fifty of his men rode out. A dark cloud was in the way but the crows flew on, what a strange thing one of them thought as they passed in to it. Blood, bits of feather and flesh plummeted from the cloud seconds later.

4

Eternity and Addison Ambrose were skilled physicians. Hordes of patients came to them; some had diseases and other mere broken bones. All where healed? Renn sat at a table in what they had named. Mind Palace, Addison sat facing him and staring deep in to his eyes. They had been seated like that for almost four half spans now. Eternity came in holding a wash cloth in each hand “that’s enough dearest, any more and the poor boy will die of boredom” she said as she placed both cloths in to preplaced bowls. She summoned her binder, took a card form it, threw it in to the bowl and said “Gain.” After having dampened themselves Addison spoke “thankfully you do not have the night terrors that plagued King Gillied” Renn sighed of relief when he heard this that however did not last. “But what you do have is called LEGION” despair and curiosity collided on Renns face. “What does that mean?” he asked trying to keep the shakes out of his voice and failing. Addison summoned his binder, pulled out a card and threw it on to the wall yelling “GAIN” as he did. The card hit the white marble wall and started to form sketches. They were of men holding their hands to their ears; Renn assumed all of them had LEGION. “The stages of LEGION are as follows” Addison said, then he stood up and took his place by the sketches. He pointed to a sketch that showed a man standing on a cliff, before him lay a canyone that looked like it ran all the way down to the earth’s core. “This man here has stage one LEGION like you, voices come in to his head and urge him to get a better view.” Renn asked “what’s wrong with that” Addison looked at him like he was mentally challenged, “it eventually evolves in to a urge to jump of that high place.” Renn considered for a second “I don’t need to hear about the other stages, just tell me If there is a way out of this.” Addison summoned his binder with a disappointed look on his face, he reverted the sketch back to a card, “there is no cure, you just have to resist the urge.” Now it was Renns turn to get disappointed “thank you so for nothing Addison” he said getting up from his seat at starting for the door. On his way he nodded to Eternity “always a pleasure Etty.”

5

A small viewing pattern had been constructed on the west tower. Renn went there to quell his urges. He stood once again admiring the view; he was kept company by a body guard named Chilton. Renn looked at the black clouds over the castle, “what do you make of that Chil?” the guard didn’t respond. “When I feel like bullshitting, your job is to bullshit with me Chil” Renn said and that got the guard talking “sorry sire I did not realize that was part of my job.” Renn rolled his eyes “never mind your fucking job description, what do you make of those clouds?” Chilton admired them for a second, and then he said “I would not like to be outside when those turn to rain.” Renn nodded in agreement.

6

When the black clouds did finally turn to rain both Chilton and Renn were back in side. But that did not save them. The clouds rained acid over White hall, people that were caught outside burned to death, and those inside were either burned by the acid that managed to burn through the marble. Or crushed when the castle collapsed, having been torn apart by the rain.


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1417 Reviews


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Sun Mar 30, 2014 12:25 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle, and fellow Powerpuff Girl fanatic, here for a Review Day review!

Okay, so the first thing I noticed here is that you seem to have five chapter in one. Chapters are usually anywhere from 1,000 to 3,000 words. Of course, there's no definite rule that must be followed, but that's what a majority of the chapters are like. These chapters you have here are quite short. I'd like to see more in these chapters. See if you can combine a few of them. For example, the third and fourth chapters could be combined. Renn could be looking around on his way to see the physicians and notice that there's a murder of crows flying above him.

Another thing I noticed was your dialogue. It's not written out correctly. Now, I'm not saying that what you wrote as dialogue is wrong. It's your story. I have no right to say that. What I am saying is that all of the dialogue is bunched into one paragraph, making it very hard to follow. Just remember this rule: start a new paragraph whenever the dialogue changes to someone else. That way the readers will always be able to distinguish between characters.

As for the characters and the overall feel of this story, you did a pretty good job. I feel like we could learn just a little bit more about the characters, like what they look like and what they normally wear, but we do know a lot about them from this. I also think that you tied each chapter together well. It wasn't choppy and flowed well from one scene to the next.

If you want any more help with formatting or anything, feel free to PM me. I'll be glad to help! :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Fri Mar 21, 2014 2:11 am
liesgirl wrote a review...



If this is the start of a book, you may want to introduce the characters a bit more, or at least give us an idea of where they are or their background. It seems that Renn is a prince or some sort, so if someone were to call him by his title, it would make understanding simpler.
The same goes for the magic. The binders and cards seem to be straight out a game. If they are, maybe you could include a note. If not, when you get farther, you could add a section on their magic.
The sections are all one paragraph as well. I find it easier to read when things are separated into smaller chunks. One accepted way of doing this is creating a new paragraph between different people talking.
Overall, this sounds like it will be an exciting book. Good luck!



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Spenser says...


Thank you very much. Ill try and hammer all of that in sometime when i go back to this story.




Who, being loved, is poor?
— Oscar Wilde