Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*FIRST DRAFT, NOT SURE IF I WILL CONTINUE/EDIT. NEED SOME CRITIQUES FOR PERSPECTIVE.*
Two in the Morning
It’s two in the morning,
And children are sleeping.
The sun has long since set
And parents are weeping.
It’s two in the morning,
And people are dancing.
Champagne is being poured
And people are singing.
The minute hand strikes,
And it’s 2:01.
And in comes the man with the
Guns
To pull off such an elaborate
Scheme
That would leave all those parents
Childless, children
Lifeless.
It’s 2:02 and shots are heard,
The children go and take cover.
The children of America,
Who were sheltered from themselves,
Finally free just to be
Jailed again
For their own personal
Eternity.
It’s 2:02 and shots are fired.
First it was 10,
Then 20, 30,
49 lives
Lost that morning on
The 12th of June.
The month of Pride
Reclaimed by the one who replaced God.
It’s 2:03 in the morning,
And sirens are heard.
But it’s too late, the damage is done.
The enemy fought and the enemy won
The battle but not the war
Because moments like these make us
Stronger towards the cause we’re
Fighting for.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello,
This is really well written! I could feel emotion coming from each line, and you also used good imagery so that I could picture the whole scene in my mind. I thought the way you structured this was also really well done. In the first few stanzas, the lines show the scene being normal, and then you use single word lines in the scene of the battle to show more effect.
I really like these lines you ended off with to show how this battle isn't the end. This incident will just make these people stronger to fight back.
Overall, this is really well done and I hope to read more work from you!
Keep Writing.
This poem is darker than I expected... It's sad, and very well done. However, there are two things I'd like to point out.
First, You used sleeping in two different lines, that were only one line apart. "The children are sleeping." and "Parents are sleeping."
Also, "The battle but not the war" There should be a coma behind the but.
Keep on writing!
Hey, Che here for a quick review
I don't really have much to critique on this poem, because I personally think it captures the horrific moment in the perfect way. This poem actually brought me to tears and not much poetry is able to do that! It's actually pretty beautiful- in a very tragic way of course.
I liked the structure of it, the rhyme scheme really added to the overall feel and Honestly it was just an amazing poem.
Poetry like this is needed, and important, to remind us the our world is not perfect and how we must never forget these things that happens.
Keep writing
Regards, Che