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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Two in the Morning

by SpencerReidIsMyLife


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

*FIRST DRAFT, NOT SURE IF I WILL CONTINUE/EDIT. NEED SOME CRITIQUES FOR PERSPECTIVE.* 

Two in the Morning


It’s two in the morning, 

And children are sleeping. 

The sun has long since set

And parents are weeping.

It’s two in the morning, 

And people are dancing.

Champagne is being poured 

And people are singing.

The minute hand strikes,

And it’s 2:01.

And in comes the man with the 

Guns

To pull off such an elaborate 

Scheme

That would leave all those parents 

Childless, children

Lifeless.

It’s 2:02 and shots are heard,

The children go and take cover.

The children of America,

Who were sheltered from themselves, 

Finally free just to be 

Jailed again

For their own personal

Eternity.

It’s 2:02 and shots are fired.

First it was 10,

Then 20, 30,

49 lives

Lost that morning on 

The 12th of June.

The month of Pride

Reclaimed by the one who replaced God.

It’s 2:03 in the morning,

And sirens are heard.

But it’s too late, the damage is done.

The enemy fought and the enemy won

The battle but not the war

Because moments like these make us

Stronger towards the cause we’re 

Fighting for.

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118 Reviews

Points: 7386
Reviews: 118

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Sun Apr 28, 2019 3:19 pm
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

This is really well written! I could feel emotion coming from each line, and you also used good imagery so that I could picture the whole scene in my mind. I thought the way you structured this was also really well done. In the first few stanzas, the lines show the scene being normal, and then you use single word lines in the scene of the battle to show more effect.

Because moments like these make us

Stronger towards the cause we’re

Fighting for.


I really like these lines you ended off with to show how this battle isn't the end. This incident will just make these people stronger to fight back.

Overall, this is really well done and I hope to read more work from you!

Keep Writing. :)




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461 Reviews

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Sat Apr 20, 2019 3:27 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



This poem is darker than I expected... It's sad, and very well done. However, there are two things I'd like to point out.

First, You used sleeping in two different lines, that were only one line apart. "The children are sleeping." and "Parents are sleeping."
Also, "The battle but not the war" There should be a coma behind the but.


Keep on writing!




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235 Reviews

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Mon Apr 15, 2019 6:28 pm
4revgreen wrote a review...



Hey, Che here for a quick review :-)

I don't really have much to critique on this poem, because I personally think it captures the horrific moment in the perfect way. This poem actually brought me to tears and not much poetry is able to do that! It's actually pretty beautiful- in a very tragic way of course.

I liked the structure of it, the rhyme scheme really added to the overall feel and Honestly it was just an amazing poem.

Poetry like this is needed, and important, to remind us the our world is not perfect and how we must never forget these things that happens.

Keep writing

Regards, Che :-)





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