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It was just too loud

by SpencerReidIsMyLife


It was just too loud

I pressed the record button and stepped back, sitting down on a wooden chair, placed in the centre of my bedroom.

“I used to wish for something physical. I wished someone had hit me. Or that someone had died. At least a funeral would have been a valid reason to cry. My depression kind of hit in waves, though it was always manageable in the end. Though, in hindsight, I should of knew this was coming. They always tell you to be careful for what you wish for: too bad I didn’t listen.

Sometimes the worst place you can be is in your own head. It’s calming most times—like a sort of mind palace to hide away when life becomes too much—but that day it was just crowded. I always liked the silence, really. The way I could block everything out and just recede into my own mind—it’s comforting really. But right now too many thoughts are running and I can’t concentrate, but the hospital’s too loud so I guess I’ll just stay here.

When I got the call, I was browsing TikTok and talking to Liz. Mr. Johnson? Layla. A car crash. Not looking good. Get here quickly. Surgery. Might not make it. It’s mostly muddled to be honest. I remember the sirens, the cops, the questions, interviews, reporters—loud. Chaos. I’ve always had problems with sensory overload, but this—this was just too much.

A few hours later she was pronounced dead. Drunk driver. Lucky he died on impact. Lucky was a funny word to use. Lucky. Why is it that it’s lucky he died and a horror that she passed? Why do we place one life over another? Why did he place his life over her’s?

Every thought is a battle.

My Depression was being sad and not remembering why. Now it’s being sad and being jabbed with every memory of her. 7 years. 7 years down the drain. Her love. Her hair. Her face. Iloved her more than life itself, but I guess that doesn’t mean much of anything anymore. Life is fragile and so were we I suppose, by proxy. She proposed. I still have the ring.

One of the hardest parts of life is trying to decide whether to walk away or try harder. That day I decided to try. I was crippled, barely moving, a clone in my place. Thats the problem with getting attached to someone. When they leave you, you just feel lost. I suppose it’s a lot like she’s Hansel and im Gretel. Lost, stuck in the woods. They lay the breadcrumbs and they’re supposed to follow. But what if Hansel followed and Gretel didn’t? Leaving their half to figure it out—put back the pieces that once were, never really getting it just right—gaps that’ll never be filled. And yet, I kept on moving, slowly but surely, moving towards—well, what are any of of moving towards anyway?

That first week I woke up in sweats. Picturing her death over and over, the empty bottles on the scene and in my room. And in my head I expected her to be there, right next to me, holding me as I cried. But all there was was empty space, the crease she had left already gone. Why can’t I wake up. I don’t want to wake up. Why won’t she wake up? And suddenly nothing ever mattered anymore, and all I wanted was to sleep forever.

I went to the bathroom and filled the tub. My fingertips grazed the water—icy to the touch. I stepped in, clothes clinging to my body, and fully submerged my head. One, two, three—longer. Seven, eight, nine—longer. Ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty—I was a minute and some odd seconds in when I finally emerged, coughing up water, sinking onto the tiled floor, slowly, every ounce of me giving in.

Every breath is a war.

You’re not a bad person for the ways you tried to kill your sadness. Therapy’s fun but not really helping. Though, nothing’s really helping, so why should that matter? At the end of the day, I’m nothing. I was always nothing. And if that’s the case, am I even worth helping?

They say to follow your heart. But if my heart is in a million pieces, which do I follow? The one lonely piece telling me to try harder, or the billions telling me to walk away? It’s sad when the people who gave you the best memories, become a memory themselves. We used to do everything together. I don’t trust easily, but I trusted her. I believed in her. We were gonna get married. Married. And now we’re dead. Pain just changes itself, I guess, and the sun decided to just stop shining for me.

You’re taking her death so well. You seem happy. I’m glad you’re moving on—taking care of yourself. It’s almost like the iceberg model—people only see what they want to. But underneath the surface, it’s always worse than it seems. Life is almost like a game to most people. Keep moving, keep on winning, and don’t look back. Maybe then, it won’t seem to hurt as much.

I don’t think I’m winning anymore.

I turned off the camera, the red dot’s insistent blinking halting from my touch. Everything became mechanic—almost in slo-mo. I barely recognised I stepped on the chair until I stood straight ahead, a noose in my right hand. This is it. I looped it tightly around my neck. I didn’t picture my mum or siblings. I didn’t think of Layla or Liz. For the first time in my life I was thinking about me. As my feet left the chair that’s all I was thinking about: Me. My choices. My decision. My body dropped and my throat gasped for air. Wanting, needing—what? anything—Something. I tried reaching for the chair but it was too far away and—

Chara Anderson—DOD: 28th January 2026; 23:48. 


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Sun Feb 21, 2021 11:22 pm
LilPWilly wrote a review...



This is so raw and realistic. I know what it’s like to lose who you love most, and to want to die. Every line in here is so relatable. The only part I didn’t really get was the Hansel and Gretel bit. I wonder how much you’re taking from movies and books and how much from personal experience. It’s so sad to read someone taking their own life. Especially the part where he reaches for the chair.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to see the girl I love die over and over again in my mind, to watch “the crease” fade, and to never live life together. That seems impossible to me, because I am pretty sure I couldn’t overcome the pain.
I used to wish for something physical.
This has an element of perfection that interests me. Again, every line is raw, relatable and real. How?




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Sat Feb 20, 2021 9:09 pm
Emivanz1 wrote a review...



Oh wow. Just wow. I have no words for this. this is beautiful and sad at the same time. its sadiful. your writing really puts you in the place of the man. The people who lost loved ones are often looked at as sad little puppies who you always feel bad for, you never really know what is going on inside their heads, and i think your writing explains exactly that. I never have experienced this kind of heartbreak, and i hope i never will. I also hope that anyone who has felt like this doesn't feel like they are alone. Death is not a way to escape sadness, it only puts the sadness on somebody else. keep writing your story was powerful and strong, it seemed like a famous author wrote this.
your friend
Evz




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Sat Feb 20, 2021 6:17 pm
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this is so powerful it really grasps the hopelessness and the pain that comes with losing a loved one. The way you wrote this made my heart skip a beat




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Sat Feb 20, 2021 4:08 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is a very powerful story you have here and honestly that's all I can think of after reading all of that. You've done a scarily accurate job of capturing the shock and emotions of all of that. Really well written.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I pressed the record button and stepped back, sitting down on a wooden chair, placed in the centre of my bedroom.

“I used to wish for something physical. I wished someone had hit me. Or that someone had died. At least a funeral would have been a valid reason to cry. My depression kind of hit in waves, though it was always manageable in the end. Though, in hindsight, I should of knew this was coming. They always tell you to be careful for what you wish for: too bad I didn’t listen.


Well right off the bat its letting us know we're in for quite a sad story. Certainly a really good opening there. Gets you attention straight away and lets you know what you're getting yourself into.

Sometimes the worst place you can be is in your own head. It’s calming most times—like a sort of mind palace to hide away when life becomes too much—but that day it was just crowded. I always liked the silence, really. The way I could block everything out and just recede into my own mind—it’s comforting really. But right now too many thoughts are running and I can’t concentrate, but the hospital’s too loud so I guess I’ll just stay here.


Well that was a rather haunting paragraph there...to feel uncomfortable in your own mind, that's definitely someone who's feelings have taken a major downturn.

When I got the call, I was browsing TikTok and talking to Liz. Mr. Johnson? Layla. A car crash. Not looking good. Get here quickly. Surgery. Might not make it. It’s mostly muddled to be honest. I remember the sirens, the cops, the questions, interviews, reporters—loud. Chaos. I’ve always had problems with sensory overload, but this—this was just too much.


Oohh I love the way this is written. Conveys the shock factor of that news and the way we remember such things simply as quick flashes really well. Great job with that paragraph.

A few hours later she was pronounced dead. Drunk driver. Lucky he died on impact. Lucky was a funny word to use. Lucky. Why is it that it’s lucky he died and a horror that she passed? Why do we place one life over another? Why did he place his life over her’s?

Every thought is a battle.


Oh dear...well...that is quite a question...and an absolutely horrible situation that I can't even begin to imagine.

My Depression was being sad and not remembering why. Now it’s being sad and being jabbed with every memory of her. 7 years. 7 years down the drain. Her love. Her hair. Her face. Iloved her more than life itself, but I guess that doesn’t mean much of anything anymore. Life is fragile and so were we I suppose, by proxy. She proposed. I still have the ring.


Well...here come the onions...you're capturing quite a lot of emotion already despite this being a pretty short story.

One of the hardest parts of life is trying to decide whether to walk away or try harder. That day I decided to try. I was crippled, barely moving, a clone in my place. Thats the problem with getting attached to someone. When they leave you, you just feel lost. I suppose it’s a lot like she’s Hansel and im Gretel. Lost, stuck in the woods. They lay the breadcrumbs and they’re supposed to follow. But what if Hansel followed and Gretel didn’t? Leaving their half to figure it out—put back the pieces that once were, never really getting it just right—gaps that’ll never be filled. And yet, I kept on moving, slowly but surely, moving towards—well, what are any of of moving towards anyway?


Well...that seems capture that start of living just for the sake of living on...once again this is captured really well here.

That first week I woke up in sweats. Picturing her death over and over, the empty bottles on the scene and in my room. And in my head I expected her to be there, right next to me, holding me as I cried. But all there was was empty space, the crease she had left already gone. Why can’t I wake up. I don’t want to wake up. Why won’t she wake up? And suddenly nothing ever mattered anymore, and all I wanted was to sleep forever.


This continues to steadily get more painful the further I read...

I went to the bathroom and filled the tub. My fingertips grazed the water—icy to the touch. I stepped in, clothes clinging to my body, and fully submerged my head. One, two, three—longer. Seven, eight, nine—longer. Ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty—I was a minute and some odd seconds in when I finally emerged, coughing up water, sinking onto the tiled floor, slowly, every ounce of me giving in.

Every breath is a war.


Ahh...well we're stepping into super bad territory...I do have to ask though...does this person have like no one else to look out for them and try to help....are they dealing with all of this all alone?

You’re not a bad person for the ways you tried to kill your sadness. Therapy’s fun but not really helping. Though, nothing’s really helping, so why should that matter? At the end of the day, I’m nothing. I was always nothing. And if that’s the case, am I even worth helping?


So...he we have a mention of therapy but surely if suicide is in the picture this person can't be allowed to stay somewhere alone...dunno if I'm just being nitpicky but yeah...that's what comes to mind for me.

They say to follow your heart. But if my heart is in a million pieces, which do I follow? The one lonely piece telling me to try harder, or the billions telling me to walk away? It’s sad when the people who gave you the best memories, become a memory themselves. We used to do everything together. I don’t trust easily, but I trusted her. I believed in her. We were gonna get married. Married. And now we’re dead. Pain just changes itself, I guess, and the sun decided to just stop shining for me.


That sounds scarily final....

You’re taking her death so well. You seem happy. I’m glad you’re moving on—taking care of yourself. It’s almost like the iceberg model—people only see what they want to. But underneath the surface, it’s always worse than it seems. Life is almost like a game to most people. Keep moving, keep on winning, and don’t look back. Maybe then, it won’t seem to hurt as much.

I don’t think I’m winning anymore.


Oh okay...now I see the full picture, this person is pretending to be fine so people won't be concerned....guess you can disregard the earlier questions then...whoops.

I turned off the camera, the red dot’s insistent blinking halting from my touch. Everything became mechanic—almost in slo-mo. I barely recognised I stepped on the chair until I stood straight ahead, a noose in my right hand. This is it. I looped it tightly around my neck. I didn’t picture my mum or siblings. I didn’t think of Layla or Liz. For the first time in my life I was thinking about me. As my feet left the chair that’s all I was thinking about: Me. My choices. My decision. My body dropped and my throat gasped for air. Wanting, needing—what? anything—Something. I tried reaching for the chair but it was too far away and—


And so it ends...a short but powerful story.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was just yeah...wow...that's about all I can think of to say at the moment. Really well done. That's all I have to say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat Feb 20, 2021 2:37 pm
nightshadows says...



whaaaaattttt............wow. i have no words




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Sat Feb 20, 2021 10:26 am
Tanishka says...



I...just have no words... It's that good.




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Sat Feb 20, 2021 9:27 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi SpencerReidIsMyLife,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

You wrote a very interesting story there. It partly comes with these questions that you can't answer but many already had.
You have a very unique style of describing and questioning these things so that as a reader you stop and question yourself several times. Such things as "Lucky he died..." have sometimes been heard on the news or from friends when it comes to an accident.

Sometimes the worst place you can be is in your own head.


That sentence is so true in so many ways. Some of your sentences in the story can be used well as quotes, for example, to make a headline or to increase the drama. Not that your story needs it.
It has a very sad and cruel undertone, you can only see the truth between the lines and are caught up in the narrator's thoughts. It's a fascinating way you've written the story. I think one can describe your whole story with this sentence above.

I suppose it’s a lot like she’s Hansel and im Gretel


Just a quick correction here, I'm Gretel.

Your story is insanely well written. It is very optimistic in parts and changes its narrative in the next paragraph. You spend a lot of time describing things and, as mentioned above, asking questions.
You also touched on a subject that we don't hear so much about and is mostly kept in the dark. You describe the person who wants to kill himself. You show his inner life, which is otherwise hidden from us.

The ending was very shocking and I must say that the text left a lasting impression. I don't know if it's the way you write things or just the idea that one can empathise a little with the narrator.
I think it's a very powerful story, almost like a kind of suicide note.

Really very well written.

Mailice.





"It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small."
— Neil Armstrong