Hello!
Well, I'm not a poet myself, but this one caught my eye, so I figured I might as well tell you a word or two.
I face up high and see the sky
where all is great and all is grand
While looking up I hear a yell,
a shout,
I find it very interesting that you separated your lines this way - you watched to make it flow nicely, in a rhythm I like, not putting it in real rhymes (though some words do rhyme). By making that last line stand by itself, you practically made me hear that shout - or, well, feel it.
a tramper from behind
Behind me I see what cannot be
seen from the scene up above;
tragedy, misery, dismay-be
Nothing too much to say, but the repetition of the word "behind" kind of poked me in the eye. Also the rhyme "be-be".. I'm not sure. It's not that it doesn't work, I can read this part and it flows as nicely as the rest of the poem, but I feel like it could have been done somewhat better.
Left behind all the crime
from whence I once would chime
Me, you, and the moon, intertwined,
set in rhyme
where all is fine
This one is my favourite part, although I like the beginning as well. You framed the whole poem nicely, in my opinion, and I still like the way you use rhymes. The ending seems to me at the same time optimistic and somehow sad, or maybe nostalgic.. I don't know if that was what you were going for, but you did it anyway, and I believe you did it good.
Well, not much more to say - all in all, very nice piece that I enjoyed reading, at the same time light and dark. I liked the way you played with rhymes and words, and the overall feeling that the poem gave me. Nicely done!
Kind regards,
Aria~
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Reviews: 117
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