Isaac?

by SpencerNolanRivers

Published January 6, 2009

In Yadda Yadda Yadda

PreviousNext

Poetry isn't my strong suit, but I'm giving this a try.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Isaac?

I see this person everyday,
He catches my eyes,
That's all I can say.

Isaac, Michael, David, Jacob,
Which one are you adressed by?
I can only hope to find out, I sigh.

Your skin; snow pale
Your eyes; sea blue
Your face; angelic.

I see you peer at me,
It makes me flutter.
Oh, do you know,
How I feel?
Or am I just in sight,
And cannot be concealed?

One thing is for sure;
You catch my eyes,
And that's all I can say.

Comments & reviews · 3
KnightlyAngel09 wrote a review Review · Jan 6, 2009

Hello. I'm Nixie.:)

Anyway, on your poem... I wasn't sure wether it was supposed to rhyme in some parts or not at all in the whole poem. It kinda confused me for a moment.

In the first stanza everyday and say rhymes while sigh and by rhymes in the second stanza.

I see this person everyday,
He catches my eyes,
Thats all I can say.

Isaac, Michael, David, Jacob,
Which one are you adressed by?
I can only hope to find out, I sigh.


Then the third and fifth stanzas don't rhyme at all. The 4th has concealed and feel rhyming. I just found it odd that there were rhymes in some stanzas then none at all in the other. But anyway, disregarding my comments on the rhythm. This poem was quite good. I love how the last stanza connects to the first stanza. And I also love how the words are so simple and sweet and gets the message and feel across easily.

User avatar
WaterVyper
Review
WaterVyper wrote a review Review · Jan 6, 2009

If this is your first try, it's really good. However, there were a few parts that seemed strange to me. But first, a little nitpicking.

consealed


That should be 'concealed'.

Thats


It should be 'That's'.

First point, your rhyming is inconsistent. At the beginning, you start with ABA. Then, you switch to CDD. Then, it seems like you abandon rhyming altogether. Or maybe this wasn't supposed to be rhyming and I'm making a useless comment. If you were trying to rhyme, it seems a little forced.

I see this person everyday,


In your first stanza, you say 'this person'. However, for the rest of your poem, you refer to the person as 'you'. This is a bit strange.

My last comment is that the feelings and emotions weren't expressed fully. I know that the speaker has a crush on someone but I can't feel it. Try and make the emotions more pronounced, and I think you'll have a lovely poem.

Hoped that helped!



You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.
— Shinji Moon