Don't be weak
Don't be weak
Don't give in to too soft lips
And compliant eyes
And repeatedly hard apologies
Don't sigh
Don't cry
On christmas day
Her dirty blonde hair
Splayed garishly in the blinking red/green lights
Or so I imagine it
Was she fucking worth it?
Or was I not worth fidelity
Half-moon fingernail marks
On my inner wrists
My bed, my sanctuary
So cold on my own
Shivering in unwashed cheetah-print sheets
As the coffee stagnates across the room
You transition quickly from lover to stalker
Haven't I the right not to see you?
Not to hear you?
Or have you left me not even that?
Fuck you.
Literally, then figuratively
You were always so good
(certainly you've had enough practice)
But I'm changing my number
So go away
Please don't give me sympathy
I have lost nothing worth missing
And he needs it more
Look...
His hands shake
His eyes water
His voice cracks
I would say he were a broken man
If he weren't such a child
I have lost nothing
He is nothing
I am free
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Speeeeeele,
I enjoyed this poem! The drive of emotion throughout was pretty strong, and that's what I like to see.
You drift, though. It's hard to keep track of your direction in this when you taper off in parts like:
Here, I think you should reword this, and just get rid of "so go away" because, as Evilope said, it sounds immature. Be smooth, straightforward and precise in your poetry, none of the sideline messages are necessary, dear.
I liked it, but it needs some refining. The sharp edges of this, such as sharp narratives and extra pieces that do not tell us much can be done away with.
Best of luck, and thankee for sharing,
June
Hey!
I loved the powerful emotion behind this. It comes off as really strong, really passionate, and very raw. The raw emotion is good in some ways (it fuels the poem, empowers the words) but in another way, it's just that: raw. I think you could improve this poem a bit by harnessing that anger and resentment into something a bit more poetic. ^^
The cursing, for example. Cuss words are empty anger words in poetry-- they get across very little. If you want to imply the same angry, vicious feeling, work to describe that feeling instead of taking the easy way through it with a cuss word.
I agree about cutting one of the first two lines, as well.
This sounds almost like the narrator is being immature. Go away! Certainly you can find something more poetic about that! Where exactly does she want him to go? Why?
In between these two lines you transition from talking to this cheating lover to addressing the readers, and then towards the end of the poem you refer to this cheater as 'he' instead of 'you'. Try to be consistent with your tenses and first-person/third-person perspectives.
All in all, you can tell how strong the narrator feels about this subject. ^^ Just work on translating that hatred into a more unique type of anger. Harness it into poetry-- add metaphors, similes, imagery, whatever. Also, I'd suggest putting some of your lines together to help the flow a bit. Good luck!
~Evi
Hi, I'm Grin, it's very nice to meet you.
I agree with Kat, there are a couple of moments where you've been too repetetive for comfort. This is hard to review, as you've written it in freeform, and I'm finding myself unable to complain, because it suits it better. So well done for that.
The other thing that stood out is emotion. This is reeking with it. You've clearly put so much in.
Well done with this. It was really good.
Hope I helped.
~Grin.
Hi Speele! How are you? I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing. Note that as I'm writing this, there aren't any posted reviews
So, let's see...
I don't like the repetition here, because it sounds too whiny. There are some poems, where repetition sounds strong or dramatic, but here it doesn't work.
I also don't like the repetition on soft here. Try 'gentler', 'easy' or even 'compliant'. Spice up the vocabulary
Those were some of the nit-picks,. but now I'll give you an over-all. This is a very used theme, even though this has a bit of a more twisted plot behind it. From lover to stalker. I actually really like this point of view, it's new to me. I think it could use a bit more of description. Not on how what's happening, but more to what she thinks and feels. Poetry is a very strong thing, mostly because of it's emotion and the feel that we can relate to the situation. I can't, at his state. So, it's just a thing you should take an over look, and try to find a way around it. Good luck!
Thanks for posting!
- Kat