Can you feel the memory?
Part of you still lives there
In that smell of chalkdust and textbooks
In the feel of name-etched desks and writer's callous'
In the taste of cafeteria hotdogs and pencil erasers
I cannot know
But I can guess
No one was ever as alone as you
When he reached down, down, down to touch you
Rough whiskers on soft tender skin
Fighting against the softest insistence
And the strongest instincts
"Dont cry."
He loved you for your pencil-thin wrists
And your sun-stroked white-gold hair
Did you move towards him or away?
What is the instinct of a child
When quietly and gently attacked by their supposed protector?
"Please, don't cry."
Did you cry?
You still hold scars so visible to me
Shifting uncomfortably when I'm above you
I would never... But you couldn't know that
I touch your skin in winter
But you scald me because it was hot that day
Where you live
Will any touch ever replace his?
Will your eyes continue saying 'no' forever?
It feels like rape to just touch something so porcelian
You love me
But I always feel that you are seeing him
As my hand slids down from your freckle-streaked shoulder
Don't look so scared, its okay to like it
You're supposed to like it
"I'm so sorry"
I'm so sorry
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey,
Let me just start off by saying that this was an absolutely beautiful piece!
I can not even begin to imagine how the character feels after something like that happens. It is really heart wrenching and i think that you have done a good job in getting that across to the audience, showing not telling.
Thank you for writing this piece, i look forward to reading more!
This is a beautiful piece. I love how you can "feel" a memory, and as silly a concept as tasting an eraser would be to me, it adds so much to the atmosphere.
You describe a lot of actions that translate emotion, which is good; you don't go solely on emotion or action. I like that.
The only thing I can really find are a few typos: "porcelian" rather than "porcelain," "Don't look so scared, its okay to like it..." "its" should be "it's."
I don't like "down, down, down" either; one would suffice. If you really want to emphasize, use two. But any more than two takes away from the rhythm.
Other than that, a refreshingly different and well-written read. Star!
Hi! I've read your poem and it kind of pulled me in, so I have to admit that your poem is a good piece of work =) I found the triple "down" unnecessary, It broke the rhythm honestly. I was a bit lost here who's he you mention and who's the one telling this, but I liked the comparisons as for example porcelain. I had to read the whole poem twice to make some places clear, but that's quite ok. I think the rhythm is broken a bit at places, otherwise it's a nice job done and I'm pretty surprised about how you put that theme in the poem. Keep writing for sure, if you like writing! =)
Kyuousuke