The wind’s breath rustles my hair. Frost nips at my skin. The bare trees cast hard shadows as the planet spins into night. I step through the mist that creeps round the pockmarked headstones. The darkness swallows the life from the graveyard that was once drowned in layers of lush and foliage. All that is heard is a faint moaning and the crackling of weeds. I feel moths quivering in my gut. My surroundings were telling me something. You shouldn’t be here.
I shiver, but not from fear.
Not yet.
The animals had scattered and escaped until dawn would come again. Just like I should be doing. I see a faint unatural glow through the trees. Probably just the moon, I tell myself. I try to avoid the brown bubbling ooze that seeps from the ground. I stare around at the graves. All I can think of are the rotting corpses buried in the ground. Only meters away from me were dead people. I could almost smell it…
I hear a crunch from behind me. My heart is slamming against my ribcage. I swish around. No one’s there. I feel trapped. Not wanting to make a single movement in case it were to awake something. I draw up my leg and carefully place it on the chalky dirt. My throat starts to swell as a pool of saliva forms in my mouth. Fear runs through my veins, cold as a whisper from a grave. There’s a faint tapping in the distance.
I see them.
The worn leather boots walking in the distance.
I stood more frozen than concrete slab. “Move you idiot! Move!” I screech at myself inside my mind. But I can’t. My body doesn’t listen. My knees are locked and feet glued to the soil. I desperately try to let out a shriek but nothing happens. The boots are getting closer; the owners legs appear out of the darkness. Could this be it? Would I be the boy who would be slaughtered in the graveyard? Would I-
I feel myself suddenly dive into the bushes. I roll into a ball and try to cover my mouth to muffle the sound of my shallow husky breaths. The trembling of my body creates a soft rustle against the shrub. I hear the swish of pants get louder. Fear prickles at my eyes.
The footsteps stop.
I hold my breath. For a few moments the night is completely silent. Blood is pounding against my ears. I feel a breath on my neck. A hand, clammy as death caresses my neck. A scream tears from my throat. What would death be like? Would I too be buried under dirt and put in a box to rot? I start to weep into my hands uncontrollably, concentrating on trying to get air into my choppy breaths.
And then I hear a cry.
It’s from only a few meters away, getting softer and softer. I swish my head around to see the leather boots racing away.
I see what’s floating into the graveyard.
What do you think? I really want it to be a suspenseful piece so any tips on that would be great. Also, I wanted a cliffhanger so how is the one I have? Also, reviews are very much appriciated.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Speedster, sorry for being so laaate! But here I am for a review!
I really liked the serene writing and the subtle attacks of conflicts which line the story. I think this CAN BE suspenseful (with all the subtlety and all), what you need to do is create an environment that can send chills to the readers. See, this won't shock anyone when gardens and bright, shining days are in our heads. Something darker can create the atmosphere. With that, the next step is to show the piece. The narrator is in first person, so describing what's happening is a better suspense than telling it.
It was a great read all-in-all
Here's some technical stuff I'd like to tell:
I think 'rustle' is better with hair as the doer, not its subject. Try considering a rewrite
It's very telly. You need to show that your surroundings are telling you something.
This is a modifier, so either add a subject and predicate before or after it or conjoin it with another phrase because its a phrase on its own.
The slab needs to go, my friend
No need for 'at'. Maybe using a better verb would work?
Would should be will; would is more of a wish
Not swish, try turn or another verb that says 'turn faster'.
Well, those are just a few things you should check upon. I'm proud to tell that the piece is beautifully and inventively written. These stuff I criticized are very hard to see, even for some expert readers. Don't fret, just a little more words and this can be the best!
Your pal,
Al
Hi there! I'm here to review as requested.
Whoa. So I was listening to this song and the lyrics went "left the secret at the grave" and write then I opened your story and it's about a graveyard. I thought it was pretty freaky. Well, maybe not that freaky, but I figured I'd share it. Okay, onto the review...
You definitely did a good job keeping this suspenseful, especially since it's in first person. That gives the reader a good feel of the speaker's feelings and thoughts and what they're seeing in the graveyard.
Comments/Suggestions/Critiques:
*I would suggest changing this to 'as the planet fades to night' or something like that. I understand what you mean by saying it spins into night, but it just sounds awkward.
*this sentence confuses me. How could there have been life in the graveyard? Everyone there is dead? And with the part I highlighted in bold, are you describing flowers or plants? It's just a bit confusing.
*this way flows better
*I think you should put a semi-colon in between these two sentences instead of keeping them separate.
*I love this simile
*this part reminds me of those nightmares where you're trying to run away but you just can't. This is also a very suspenseful paragraph. I can feel the fear.
Overall this is a great story. I think it is very suspenseful and it definitely leaves me wanting more. Sorry for all of the nitpicks, I hope it wasn't too harsh.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thankyou very much for the review! and that is creepy
Hi there!
This piece certainly succeeded in being full of suspense. Let's just have a look at it in detail:
Spelling and Grammar:
Firstly, the title is missing an apostrophe and some capitalisation: The Graveyard's Ghost. But it sounds nicer without the entire 's: The Graveyard Ghost. Your choice: with or without.
Look at your tenses! First present, then past. Keep it all the same. You have these switches all over the place, so look out for them!
Are you missing an article here? 'a'? Look out for simple mistakes like this one!
General:
You did succeed in creating a suspenseful atmosphere, but only toward the end. The start was boring and not very realistic. If the protagonist is so scared and everything is screaming at him to leave, why doesn't he? If there is some sort of fear-paralysis or something, please describe it openly! The reader doesn't want to be labouring under the assumption that the character is mentally deficient by hanging around in haunted graveyards at night. That part doesn't quite follow for me.
I was very disappointed that I didn't get to see the poor guy through to the end, but the cliffhanger is great. I felt cheated that I didn't get to see more. I would love to have more, though. I think a full ending would improve the piece.
I get the fear and all very well, but not the actual action. Is there one ghost which flees from another, stronger one that we don't get to see? Is it a person who is caressing the character's neck? What was going on exactly? It is all very vague, and detracts from the suspense.
In a nutshell, very good, I enjoyed it, but it could do with some editing.
Keep writing!
barefootrunner
Thankyou so much for the review!
Hi, this looks pretty cool and is really well written. It was quite suspensful also because on one hand you gave great detail on what was happening yet at the same time you don't fully know what is happening or how the person got to be there. I would love to see where this goes
thankyou!