Infectious

They arrived at the station, close to 4pm; a hot breeze blew against them. Close by, tin shoes clicked on the pavement. Three aged suitcases were stacked between them. (Stacked between what, the tin shoes?) The weather started to sour as the sun cuddled between the hills. Tally wore four layers of scratchy sweaters: the most visible had a wonky ’t’ stitched on. The clinking shoes faded away. Tally looked at the bags; in that moment they looked as defeated and worn as she felt. Sighing, she pulled off a layer of jumpers.

"You don't have to go you know"

"I'll be fine, Mum. I'll write" Her mum forced a smile.

"You better"

"You won't even notice I've gone" She immediately regretted saying it. Without Tally, her mother would be alone in an uncomfortably empty house for the first time.

"...I just can't believe my little girl is all grown up" Tally gulped. To her relief a train sounded in the distance. Her mum blubbered.

"Oh...well c-come back soon, Tally"

"I'll be fine mum. I'll visit" The railways screeched. A glossy red steam engine towered over them, blocking the sun.

"See you... soon,” Said her mother as she hugged Tally so close she could smell her mother’s lipstick.

"Goodbye, Mum" Before she could reach out for another embrace Tally hopped next to the carriage door. She stepped inside, lugging her suitcases behind her. The carriage was ridden with leather seats lined with timber that smelled of mothballs. She took a window seat.

"Hi there!" Shouted a voice behind her as she sat down. She turned around: there stood a silky blue cat with a smile.

"Hi.."

"Mind if I sit here?"

"Um...I guess not." Tally sighed. She'd hoped to spend the ride alone.

"I'm Rover!" He said, kind of like the man at the start of hardware-store advertisements.

"I'm Tally." The train started to hum. She stared out the window down at her mother who was waving frantically. She waved back as the train started to chug forwards. The air smelt faintly of smoke.

"So where are you heading?"

"Hazelnut"

“Woo, far from home then!” Tally tried to ignore the heartbeat pounding in her ears.

"Tickets please! Tick-ets! That is t-i-c-k-e-t-s. Tickets please!” Shouted a voice that started to grow louder. She scrambled in suitcase number one, feeling her cheeks become hotter. She handed her ticket to the brash elephant holding out her hand. Tally moved her attention to the platform that was now slowly becoming smaller. Her mother’s size diminished to that of a toothpick, her head was clasped in her hands.

That was the last time she saw her.

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Okay, woah. Dramatic ending. Are they all animals, because I assume she would otherwise be surprised to see a blue cat, and a ticket-taking elephant.. Anyways, this has great potential, but is not quite there. I would suggest watching your punctuation and your grammar, firstly, and then working on your details. Your sentences are choppy, and could use more sensory: not more dialogue. You want to make the reader feel as if they are actually there, at the train stop, with Tally. Keep writing!!

I liked this. It was very interesting, and I want to find the answer s to all the questions this left with me. I thought that sometimes, though, the story seemed a little rushed and lacked description. Butthat is just minor and barely deteriorated from the content of the story. I enjoyed this

I found this a very simple, very well written story. Something I do suggest is that at the end of your sentences in the discussion, to add punctuation. It makes a story look more professional. : ) But quite honestly, I rather like your story. I would very much like to continue reading it. : ) Keep writing on it!

This was good. Not making any emphasis on the talking cat and elephants was effective on giving letting the readers know that this is a fantasy, and is quotidian in the character's world.

I think it was unclear why Tally's heartbeat pounded. Was it because the blue cat - a stranger - was speaking to her, or because she was going away from home. Anyway, I think the former is the cause right?

Hope to read the rest of the story.

I would suggest that you vary your sentence structure in order to make the experience even more enjoyable than it already is. I would also like to suggest that you use higher diction in certain areas to better achieve your purpose. I do enjoy that you don't always use the he said, she said lines as those can get rather redundant; however, you should use them a little more often when writing the other chapters. This is actually a good thing as this is the first chapter but you may want to steer clear of it in later areas. I can't wait to see what else you have in store because this is great and it has me interested.

When I first read the dialogue of an cat, I had to re-read it to see if it was a mistake. But the elephant with drawn hand, I figured that it is an magical story.Well it is an nice start. You have said the sadness and excitement of Tally in a kind manner without any extra dialogues. I didn't really find any mistakes. This is good. Keep up your good work.Hope you would make it as an full time adventures novel. Good luck.