Published February 4, 2010
I know when eyes meet and hearts cross,
An electricity courses through us.
Something we can’t ever see,
but we can surely feel.
Before you were here, so suddenly in my life,
it was black and white and faded.
But there you are, happy to make me better.
Watching the colors fly across the moon beams,
And light up my sky.
See them soar into me, as I lay dreaming,
Of you.
Always.
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141,440 Literary Works • 674,431 Reviews
Hi, Welcome to YWS!
"cross" and "us" have this flowing, rhyme to them, but when you don't rhyme again, it kinda threw me off balance.Just a few things I'd consider revising...
The next few stanzas seem to lunge from idea to idea without pausing for a picture or something for the reader to relate to, the ideas were good, don't get me wrong, but if you were to find a way to make them flow together better it'd really help with the poem.
In all I think this poem really shows how having someone who will support and cheer for you can really make a difference in a person's life- great job, and keep writing!
~Mel
I think the word electricity in a love poem seemed a bit unromantic. You could probably replace it with 'shudder' or 'shiver' or 'sparkle' which may be more romantic. Anchees
"Before you were here, so suddenly in my life,it was black and white and faded.But there you are, happy to make me better."
I think that you should consider revising this line. I think you should describe how your friend makes you better, instead of saying happy to make you better. I think that what you may be trying to say, whoever your trying to talk about in the poem lights up the darkness of your soul or ignites your desire.I think you should think of something descriptive to which people can relate.
One more tip: I see you are a new member and so am I
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Good Luck!
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