Published May 26, 2008
The sounds of a woman giving birth filtered around the rural village of Tumblegreat. The screams of agony pierced the eardrums, countered by the gently soothing voice of the aged midwife urging to the exhausted mother:
“The Bab's nearly out, just a few more pushes. I know it hurts, the first time always does. You're making good progress.”
Inside the white cottage an exhausted woman lay on a makeshift bed with only a course woollen blanket underneath to keep her comfortable as she gave birth. Her blonde hair stuck with perspiration to tanned skin and her blue eyes watered with pain.
She felt the baby struggle through her stretched but still narrow passage slowly but surely. She made one more heaving push and the baby came out in to the world for the first time, screaming so much, it was nearly deafening.
“Well done, Abigail. You did a good job. Now relax, so I can clean the bab off." she picked the screaming baby from the blanket and carried her to the bowl at the wall to wipe down the child with a dampened cloth.
--
She has the power of her ancestors. Nanny could feel the weak pulse of magic, running through her great-granddaughter's body. The pulse, weak as it may be, was strong compared to that of any other child born a Scient. Nanny smiled, knowing that this girl was going to have a puissant role in the future to come. Something was about to happen, that hadn't occurred since before Nanny's time and she could not help but feel excited.
“You have a baby girl, Abigail. She is healthy and happy.” Abigail looked down at the chubby, red face of the baby who had stopped screaming upon contact of her mother. “I believe she has the power to become a Scient.”
“Look! She already knows who I am. Don't you, my precious little girl?” A tired grin brightened her sweaty features, as she cuddled her child to her breast. ”Me and your Father decided to name you Lani before he left for war. It is a name that will serve you well, especially as you will be a very powerful woman indeed. You will make us all proud.”
Nanny nodded, smiling still and turned away from the coddling mother to pick up the bowl that she used to wipe Lani down. “This bowl hasn't been changed in two days. Look at the blood! I'll go change it outside. You'll be OK?”
“Yes.” Abigail smiled.
Nanny walked from the hut and around the back of it to throw the dirty water on her herb garden being as rain had been scarce for days.
When she returned, she froze. Abigail had passed out. Blood was flowing from her nether regions at a faster rate than normal, staining her dress and the blanket. Knowing that she could do very little for Abigail, judging by the rate of the blood flow; she still reached her palm out to her and summoned a crimson flash of magic to try to halt the blood. Desperately, she made the sizzling lightening intensify in power as much as she could. It made no difference. New wounds opened and the blood just did not stop. A sob racked Nanny, her healing spell faded away and she rushed to the side of Abigail.
Lani began to cry again at the disturbance of the flash. Nanny, her chest heaving with exertion, slowly walked to her Granddaughter and delicately brushed the hair from her face. Bowing her head, she stood for a minute in silence to honour the passing of Abigail. Eventually, she picked up her up and carried her into the village and to her Grandfather's hut.
--
“What happened?” Bill stood to great his Grandmother in to his humble abode. An alarmed expression marred his weather-beaten bronze face, noticing how tired Nanny looked. Something was not right, she never looks this tired after assisting a birth. He let her into the only room of the hut. A table completely empty, save for a loaf of bread stood in the middle of the room, surrounded by three chairs. There was a chest of drawers to the right and a large bed at the back of the room.
“Bill. I'm sorry. Abigail died shortly after giving birth to Lani. Blood loss. Nothing I could have done.” This was the thing she hated doing most. Telling other's of their losses, especially when they are expecting new life. What made this particularly bad was that Bill was still tender after losing the love of his life a few months earlier.
“I understand.” He could say no more because the thick tears prevented him from doing so. “Can I hold her?” He managed. Nanny handed Lani to him gently. “She is healthy. She will be strong.” He sat on the nearest chair.
He sat there for what seemed like hours, crying, his large frame hunkered over his Granddaughter. All he had worked for was gone. The only emotion he felt was a great wave of depression that washed over him. It seemed as though nothing would ever make him happy again; the ones he loved were gone and they needed him more than his daughter.
A terrifyingly delightful decision settled into his mind. There was nothing left for him any more, his loved ones had gone; looking at the child would be too painful, knowing that Abigail had died because of it. He stood shaking, settled Lani on the table and walked over to a large chest of drawers. Pulling one of the drawers open, he ruffled around for some stationary. At last, he yanked the paper, quill and pot of ink from the drawer and dropped it on the table. He unscrewed the ink bottle and dipped his quill into it.
On the paper, he simply wrote:
I hav noting lefft. Pleez tak kare ov her.
Letting the bottle spill to the floor as he brushed his elbow against it, he turned to the same drawer and pulled out a piece of rope. He stood on the chair to attach the rope to the wooden rafters and then tied that rope around his neck.
He plummeted of the chair. A sickening crack was the last thing that he heard as his neck made contact with the rope. Bouncing on the ligature, his body began to convulse and spasm as though in a mad dance. He stilled a few minutes later.
The screams of Lani grew stronger, alerting a neighbour who stood stock still in the doorway before running down the village, screaming un-comprehensively.
I wasn't sure how to rate this piece because of the suicide and blood. Is my rating correct? Thanks for reading!
Edit: made changes suggested and more. Hope this is better. 05/06/08
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141,367 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Here is moi review.
Your story is overly cliche, to the point that I stopped reading it.
What you need to do, is sit down for a hour or two and completely rewrite it from SCRATCH.
then and only then, you can really do it. But I also believe that your story was done very well.
I hope you don't talk this harshly.
MATT
You know, fantasy fiction and science fiction are probably the hardest things to write. It works when the magic and the, you know, fantasy is simply there, omniprescent, but subtle and understated. What doesn't work is talking about it, trying to explain it. I reviewed a story the other day, over at the Sci-Fi section. Guy kept trying to tell me how to win a galactic war. It was boring. Instead of focusing on feelings and things that I actually cared about, he kept mentioning... Plasma cannons and how an extraterrestial species differed from another extraterrestial species. Fantasy writers are even worse. Tolkien, albeit he kinda created the genre, also doomed it. His prose is boring and overly descriptive. Yeah, he fleshes out his world completely, but do we really care if Gimli's father fought the war against the Witch King in the land of Faradûl hundreds of years ago? The movies worked because they took the story (which is a wonderful story) and told it. They didn't explain anything. They didn't give us a fifty page long prologue. There were elves and hobbits and dwarves and we simply acepted that, and enjoyed it. But, hey, I'm rambling.
My point is that your story is half-way there. You certainly don't get caught up in the mythology and stuff, you go for the feelings. But the thing is that you have a problem: the feelings don't seem real. I can't buy that a father would kill himself as soon as his wife dies. I don't buy that a midwife, the greatgrandmother of the child if I understood correctly, would tell the news so bluntly. She seems so detached. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. Let's take a thought.
Random Thought #454: I'll just go ahead and give the "Worst Fictional Parent of the Year" award to this guy. Hanging himself with his newborn daughter in the room? Classic.
I liked the beginning quite a bit, actually. You describe things well. An example: "Her blonde hair stuck with perspiration to tanned skin and her blue eyes watered with pain." Through describing her action, you tell us how she looks, and that's great. Hair sticking to skin is actually a pretty good image of how a woman giving birth looks. Though I would get rid of the perspiration word. It's destracting. Anyways, the thing is, the opening scene, it's written quite nicely.
The rest, though... Not so much.
Look, it's not that you don't know how to write. You do. The opening scene proves you are good with words, that you can construct a scene beautifully, but that's not enough, is it? You tell us what happens like you're delivering news. Abigail dies and it happens so quickly. You need expand those sort of things. You need to tell us how the midwife feels, not just what she does. And that doesn't mean she has to cry, or something, you can transmit how she feels through narration. She goes to the body, and her hands tremble. She forgets the... spell, or whatever. You need to milk it. Scenes like those make the story.
Same thing with the suicide. It happens too fast, and besides, it seems ridiculous that he would kill himself so suddenly. I'm assuming that you'll jump forward some years after the prologue? You should kill him off the page. Mention him dying in the first chapter. Maybe he kills himself when she's three years old, or something, four. Traumatizes her.
Anyways, that's all the advice I have to give. I'm not really good with the quoting, and commenting, so I won't do it. Just keep in mind that you should put yourself in your characters shoes. When commenting on dialogue, I always ask people to read it out loud, see if it sounds authentic. See if it's something you'd actually say. It's the same thing with action. Is your character behaving like a real person? Is this something someone would actually do?
Well. Is it?
Thank you Demeter, Dynamo, V12dude for the comments
!
Your crit has been a ray of sunshine on something I have never bbeen happy with. So thank you for making it something worth reading.
Hello! So here's the crit I promised
I'm not a fantasy fiction expert, but I'll try my best.
I'd suggest this kind of change:
"... the aged midwife urging to the exhausted mother:
"The Bab's nearly out..."
In other words, nix the "that" and the semicolon, and start a new line for the dialogue.
The word "woollen" has two L's.
I don't quite think that the baby could slide, if her "passage" is being so narrow.
The dialogue is a little awkward. Also, don't use two kinds of quotation marks, pick only one. Though I know this was probably a mistake.
Question mark?
Delete the second comma.
"Ain't" doesn't feel right for this. Maybe you'd better just give in and replace it with "hasn't".
Your grammar needs to be checked, now!!! (If you didn't get it already, I'm only kidding, I'm so funny person.)
Okay, it sounds cool, and I know you were maybe running out of ideas, but you can use your own imagination, too. This part is basically written by TLGW. But I don't think I would've made up anything better after that great suggestion!
So these are my nit-picks for today. See you in the chapter one!
Best wishes
Demeter xx
Not too bad at all. You were able to be descriptive without using any inappropriate words, which can be a challenge for most people. The only suggestion I have is this, "into" is one word so it's not spelled "in to."
You make it sound here as if the sounds pierce the eardrums of the whole village, well i dont think she wud scream that loudly, and the same with the soothing voice. Soothing voice arent that loud, dont get whats going on here really. Reread this paragraph becky
u used aint at sum point in this story if ur going to use sland u need to use it more than once or not at all ie all the time.
The hanging. Hangings just arent like that at all. a)the neck would already eb tight in the loop of the roep so you wouldnt hear the sound of it making contact. b)you would hang limp after hanging urself no muscle spasms (unless this has something to do with being a Sceint) c)what happens to the cahir does it fall over does he kick it away does someone move it? d) how long does he last before "he blacks out" cos hangings dont just take effect immediately
Im not sure why but i dont think you capture the true emotions of the characters with so much death around them.
The plot seems good though, should be a good story
Thank you so much for the crit. I've never been happy with that Prologue; it was written some years ago and I've never known how to make it better without changing it completely.
@ TL G-Wooster: I know this prologue is cliche but, the story to come is wildly different, I promise you! Thanks for the freebie XD
I don't know what I was thinking with the baby description *whacks head on desk*. Stupid, idiot, blonde me.
Now I must busy myself with editing.
The rest of this piece is in past tense - "he did, she did, they did" and the first bit in bold is in the present, so change it to past to be consistent. And midwife is one word.
Is there any special reason that she's in so much pain? Is she young? Narrow? Baby in a difficult position? And if she's sweating so much, she really doesn't need a blanket. And yeah, nix the sparkling blue eyes. If she's screaming in pain, her eyes aren't going to be sparkling, and it's a cliched description anyway.
You can delete the crossed out bit, and make the whole sentence simply something like, "Her blonde hair stuck with perspiration to her tanned skin and her blue eyes watered with pain."
Writing out screams doesn't look right. It's less awkward to leave it out. The bit in bold is confusing. Her baby screamed? She screamed? Make it clearer. If the baby's covered in muscus, it's going to be covered in blood as well. And what about the cord? You don't mention that at all.
The bit in bold is in present, not past. If it's thoughts, then put it in italics. And "she will be the one"? Not The Chosen One? If so, then she musn't be. It's the most cliched of the cliched plot devices. And scars? JK Rowling's done that.
This seems rather tame, compared to the "They will determine the fate of the world!" bit.
Begin a new paragraph with this bit of dialogue, and nix the "completely."
Full stop/period instead of comma, and you could take out the "unbidden." If it's not really necessary, then take it out.
The baby's been squalling pretty well, so it doesn't seem sick, and only sick babies are really delicate. Good, healthy babies are chubby and soft and oh-so-cute.
Some people say that you can tell who a baby looks like early on, but I've never been able to. They have different faces, but proper defined features don't come until later. When they're new, they're all round and nubby.
/baby lecture
Add an action in, make it less telling, more showing. "Nanny turned back from the window and froze, one hand pressed against her mouth..." or whatever sort of thing she would do.
Starting sentences with "and" and "but" is bad grammer, unless you absolutely have to. You can combine these two: "The blanket covering Abigail was soaked with blood; it flowed out of her at an abnormal rate." Darn, that sentence is difficult, I can't think of a better way to word it. >.<
This is rushed. "Oh, Abigail, you're dead, why didn't you tell me, oh well, bye Great Great Granddaughter, sleep in peace." Isn't Nanny more upset at her death? Wouldn't she stop to make her decent? Wouldn't she touch her, tidy her up, show more affection for her? And why does she "prise" Lani away from her? If Abigail's only been dead for a minute or so, she wouldn't have gotten stiff yet, and she'd be floppy. And "prise" seems to mean forceful treatment - wouldn't she be more careful of Lani?
She ran? With a new born baby in her arms?
You have Nanny's action here with another's speech. Put the speech in a new paragraph, and show who's speaking. Slow down and describe him - describe the room as well. Let us see it all.
Comma after Ruby.
This is Bill thinking. What happened to Nanny? It would seem that she left, but when? How? Show us when she left.
"Rash"?? Suicide = a rash decision? Gee, be more powerful!
Why is "quill" capitalized?
Run the first two sentences together and nix the dialogue. "He stood on the chair and tied the rope to the wooden rafters. Then he tied the rope around his neck."
This is tame. End with something that'll leave the reader thinking. Add some description. Describe how the body jumps on the end of the rope like some crazed puppet, how the limps spasm and convulse, as though in some mad dance. <-- Freebie. ^_~
---
Overall... Well, your technique and style need some smoothing out, but that all comes with practise and constructive critisicm. The actual plot looks worryingly cliched. Baby with mysterious marks is born, mother dies under mysterious means... It's been done before.
Don't get put off by all that, though. If it seems harsh, it's only because I care.
Practise writing a lot, do some whenever you can, and read a lot. It's very difficult to write well if you don't know what makes good writing. In addition, look around YWS. There's brilliant stuff on here, so check it out, and the tips and tutorials and all.
Be happy in your work.
Hey and welcome to YWS!
The rating seemed fine. I have a hard time rating these things myself, but I think this is okay.
I was a bit confused in the beginning who is telling the story. The point of view seems to change from Nanny to Abagail and back to Nanny again without warning and at the very beginning, I didn't know which one it was at all. I would bit one viewpoint character and stick with it. Make it clear in the beginning who is talking and keep it consistent all the way through. Later it switches to Bill. Have some clear defining event that makes the switch to Bill's POV, like Nanny leaving the room, so that the reader knows what to expect. Even better, have some sort of divider between the two POV's, like a * * * or something similar. Also, with the dialogue, you should have a double quotation marks " instead of single. It is a more conventional way to do it and makes it clear that it is dialogue. Single quotations are usually for quotes within quotes.
How old is Nanny? She calls Abagail her great-great-granddaughter. Would that make Bill her grandson? So how old is this woman? She seems pretty hale.
Also, when Abagail dies, it happens really quickly. Nanny turns for like three seconds and turns back around and she is dead. Maybe draw it out a bit more, watching Abagail die, or have Nanny do something like take the basin outside for fresh water and she comes in and Abagail is dead. It just seemed so sudden and she does nothing to try and stop the bleeding.
I agree with bear up above. It seems like the mother's tan isn't something she would have "worked at" like we do today. In a rural village in the time period you are suggesting, everyone would have been out in the sun to work and so they all would have these fabulous farmers' tans. To be tan would be nothing special. It is being pale that would be a sign of being richer or not having to work. What exactly is the mother's station in life? Does she work or no?
When you mention the baby being a "delicate, female version" of the father, I can only say that babies, when they are first born, are ugly little raisin people and really bear no resemblance to anyone. It is only after they are cleaned off and it's been a while that they begin to look like anyone in particular. Also, all white babies are born with blue eyes (though you do say that this baby is somehow special, but still) that change when they get older and their first growth of hair usually falls out and regrows, sometimes in a completely different color. So, that description seems a little odd. I would suggest that you change it.
Anyway, welcome once more to YWS! Write on!
~GryphonFledgling
Unfortunately, I can't tell you if your rating is correct, but, when in doubt, go with the higher choice. Which would be this one, I think.
You describe a lot of the mother, even though she's going to die.
So she worked for hours in the sun just to get tan? Or is the tan merely there from coincidence? Now, I'm guessing the faux time period of this (because I'm also guessing it's not Earth), and around that time I'm pretty sure the paler your skin the better.
I have never been a fan of the phrase, "sparkling blue eyes," so maybe I'm a bit biased. Would her eyes really be sparkling during childbirth?
And do that, do you think that you can consider anyone beautiful when they are thin that much pain?
By the way, "mucus stained" should be "mucus-stained"
So, all in all, I think you spend too much time describing someone who's going to die, which I mentioned above. Readers aren't going to care if she's beautiful or blonde.
Are tears ever bidden?
Now, I am not a baby person. I know nothing about babies. So, would the baby be easily recognizable as a miniature of her father right away?
The basin was in the window? I'm confused.
If this Bill talking, I think it should have it's own paragraph.
I think there should be a comma between 'losses' and 'especially.'
I think that the first bold sounds awkward. Maybe something like "he could say no more because of the thick tears?" would work better?
But then he says something. But I don't think you need "through intense sobs" because you already state that he's crying and it's hard to talk. "He managed", I find, sounds a bit better.
You also mentioned that "he stared down at her innocent stare." This sounds clumsy to me, because you repeat the word 'stare.'
And then the ending was good, but I do believe you capitalized the word 'quill' in the middle of a sentence. You describe a lot, and this is only a prologue. Once again, I'll admit my biases here, I have a tendency to describe very little, but sometimes your description gets in the way of your sentences, and your sentences cease to flow.
Something that was a bit different than the other childbirth prologues I've read -
The mother died, not of coincidence, but of a curse. It makes things a bit more interesting. So does the fact that the father died of suicide.
Welcome, by the way.