Young Writers Society

Hey Spazztardchild! As requested, here is your critique!

[spoiler]Let nothing go wrong today, for the Sisters are pickier than Nanny and they will choose one of the other girls to be their Apprentice in Training. The shame upon the name of my family would be too much to handle Like scasha said, if what? If she's chosen? If she's not? If she doesn't doesn't try to stop it?. Mama, I know you are watching me from the stars, keep me strong.

Lani was huddled in a corner of the Towemea Great Hall, home to the Towemea Sisters. Her nervousness was growing worse by the minute, looking at the strong faces of all the girls that crowded around her. Some were staring [s]flat out[/s] at her, some were turning their haughty noses up; she looked like a simple farm girl, with her plain smock and lank black hair, whilst they wore the finest silks and stunk of money. They expect me to be weak. Or to be like Glendolina. I can't live up to their expectations, no matter what I do. I don't even know whether I am strong, compared to these other girls. How can I compete with their pedigree? New Paragraph starting hereThree women appeared from nowhere in the centre of the hall. Their imperial looks of almost disgust commanded even the most snotty of the potential Scients to silence their self-important mouths.

“We will call out names in a randomized order. You will go with Ginta and be assessed on your skills. The assessments will also be randomized, so some of you young ladies who are planning to swap hints, cannot cheat.” A death-glare was sent out to certain girls in the crowd, making them gulp. “Whilst an assessment is enduring, the rest of you will be detained in here, where you will entertain yourselves, whilst me and my sister My sister and I, Chema, look over you.” The icy tone of Amelda suited her strict appearance; her robes were black with no embellishments, as the other two did and her structure was meticulously thin.

“The first name I would like to call out is: Lani Mayoin, from Tumblegreat. Please come this way, dear.” An unexpected homely tone of voice came from Ginta, smiling at Lani[s], who thought she was going to throw up any second[/s]. She felt the stares on her back, as she made her way through the throng of her peers and down the implausibly long Hall. “Have no fear. I can see, through your thick aura of nervousness, that you are very strong. You were trained well by Mildweather, no doubt.”

“N[color=red-[/color]Nanny trained me to the limitations of her skills. I had to do most of the training, myself." She didn't know what to say, so concentrating on not throwing up her mind went blank. They reached a small door that Lani would have missed, if she hadn't nearly walked into Ginta, when she walked in front of her.

"The assessment starts now. In this room, I will tell you what to do, and then quite simply, you will do it." Ginta opened the door and stepped to the side to let Lani in.

The room was no bigger than 10 metres in length, with pock marked white walls and a set of awkward-looking wooden targets, hovering at a sedate pace over her head. Strangely, she felt herself calm; the butterflies and sick deflated. She already knew what to do, she just needed the word to start. This was the first exercise Nanny had shown her, back when she had only just mastered the art of summoning the magic. She began to smile.

--

“Son, I want you to be the one sent to the Towemea Sisters. I am proud of your progress in the arts of healing and alchemy, even more than any of your brothers. You have achieved so much and would do a lot better with the Sisters, where you can prove your worth of power outside of healing the little one's cut knees and Grannies' rheumatism.” The middle aged man, fat and balding, wheezed to his youngest son, with a proud smile on his pudgy face that spoke volumes of 'don't disappoint me' to him. The gaudy yellow of the jacket that he wore always made his son sick to the stomach. To him, his father was nothing but a moral-less greedy man, always ready to bend over to have piles of money sifting through his fat, greasy fingers. Bobinus, with his slight but strong build and penchant for wearing no other colour but black, always found that he wished his mother had never gone away with the Prince who wooed her away five years ago. Not that she was better than him, but she would never use his talents to gain money. She firmly believed in the arts being used to do good in the world, not for money.

“I am [s]honoured[/s]honored Father, that you chose me. I will go and make the journey to Towemea when I have completed the set of phials I was working on. I promise to make you proud.” New Paragraph Bobinus didn't want to go. His dead tone and the loud exhalation of breath at the end of that sentence proved that to his father, who overlooked this and views his son as the money-making commodity as he was for him. To have a hero in the family, is to gain fame and when you do something as rare-to-come-by as the art of healing and substance manipulation well, you could say that that the gold purse increases thousandfold.

Bobinus could see the gold pieces shining in his eyes when he looked at him one last time and turned away from his Father and raced down the stairs, to the Laboratory that he called his home, within his home. “Good bye, Father.” His voice carried over his retreating shoulder.

The Laboratory was nothing but a basement[s],[/s][color-red];[/color] large and sparsely decorated, save for a rather large cupboard full of the materials of the trade, a [s]meagre[/s]meager working table, covered with metal sheets and some very curious looking elegant bottles. The table was accompanied with a wooden bench that was worn in the shape of a bottom, from years of Bobinus practising the art of alchemy on seemingly endless sheets of metal and sacks full of sand, kindly lent to him from the Flayshinuas, who lived in the Desert land, Theomard.

This room was the reason he did not want to leave. He didn't want to leave all of his discoveries and his blatant flaunting of the minuscule reserves of magic he had, for he knew that as soon as he would be gone, his Father, Mr Moneymaker Aranigob would root about and make money off anything he found by selling it to the King. Or some rich merchant from Competyi or, even worse, from Seedelen. He hated only one thing more than his father, and that was the religion of Nash, that had caused more wars over the past few thousand years. He shuddered to think of the losses this fake 'King' had cost the world, particularly here in Candinia.

Opening the cupboard door, Bobinus grabbed the large black bag from the bottom shelf and carried to the table. Shoving some of the sheets of metal to the side, he placed that bag down and began hurriedly cramming all of the contents of the table into it, not caring if the phials were going to be broken by the metal. He raced over to the cupboard again but this time pushed out an entire shelf of phials that had herbs, sands, metals and liquids that he needed. They fell to the ground. No crash was heard because they floated upwards and very slowly, made their way for the bag. Wasting no time, Bobinus flashed over to a certain floor board, flicked it open with a clever stamp and grabbed as many of the papers that kept hidden there as he could. They went into the now bulging bag. The strings were pulled tightly to seal it and with a swing of arms, it was heaved upon his shoulders. Slamming the door closed with his foot, Bobinus hoped that his Father wasn't already loitering in the corridors to spy on his room.[/spoiler]

Ok, that was part one. Now on to part two.

Description

Your description was a bit weak. What does Lani look like? What does Bobinus look like? How old are they? What did the Hall look like? You need to add a bit more description in your writing so that we, the readers, know what we're supposed to be seeing. People don't read books to use their imagination. They read them to see into another's imagination.

Overall Flow

Your flow was good, but I got the feeling that some of your paragraphs were either cut too short or were drawn out too much, and that some of your sentences went unfinished. You might want to work on that a bit. It's not that bad, but something worth looking into.

But other than those few things, this was thoroughly enjoyable. Your characters are already developing nicely and we already get a good picture of both Bobnius and Lina's personalities. Your word choice is good as well as dialog. So good job.

-May

Hey Spazztard! Sorry for the delayed critique. I was away this past weekend, Anyway here's the key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Words I've inserted that I think sound better
Let's do this thing!

Spazztardchild wrote:Yay! I changed it. But didn't change it. But did. Basically rewrote it, so it is a little more friendly. [s]Does anyone know how to make indents? I don't know bbcode that well.[/s] Oh lol.

Let nothing go wrong today, for the Sisters are pickier than Nanny and they will choose one of the other girls to be their Apprentice in Training. The shame upon the name of my family would be too much to handle If what? She doesn't get chosen, this sentence seemed a bit incomplete . Mama, I know you are watching me from the stars, keep me strong.

Lani was huddled in a corner of the Towemea Great Hall, home to the Towemea Sisters. Her nervousness was growing worse by the minute, as she looked[s] looking [/s]at the strong faces of all the girls that crowded around her. Some were staring [s]flat out [/s]at her, some were turning their haughty noses up and away from her. She looked like a simple farm girl, with her plain smock and lank black hair, whilst they wore the finest silks and stunk of money. They expect me to be weak. Or to be like Glendolina. I can't live up to their expectations, no matter what I do. [s]I don't even know whether I am strong, compared to these other girls.[/s] How can I compete with their pedigree? Three women appeared from nowhere in the centre of the hall. Their imperial looks of almost disgust commanded even the most snotty of the potential Scients to silence their self-important mouths. Okay, this is a bit of a long paragraph. I suggest that at the part where you tell us what her thoughts are, you create a new paragraph and then after that create another new paragraph starting with Three women...


“We will call out names in a randomized order. You will go with Ginta and be assessed on your skills. The assessments will also be randomized, so some of you young ladies who are planning to swap hints, cannot cheat.” A death-glare was sent out to certain girls in the crowd. A girl next to me with blond hair gulped Show us, don't tell us [s]making them gulp[/s]. “Whilst an assessment is enduring, the rest of you will be detained in here, where you will entertain yourselves. Me [s]whilst me [/s]and my sister, Chema will look you over while others take their tests.” The icy tone of Amelda suited her strict appearance; her robes were black with no embellishments, as the other two did and her structure was meticulously thin. Try to avoid using too many semicolons. They make your sentences a bit long-winded


“The first name I would like to call out is: Lani Mayoin, from Tumblegreat. Please come this way, dear.” An unexpected homely tone of voice came from Ginta, smiling at Lani, who [s]thought[/s] felt like she was going to throw up any second. [s]She felt [/s]The other girls' eyes bore into her back [s]he stares on her back,[/s] as she made her way through the throng of her peers and down the imp[s]lausibly[/s]ossibly[/b] long Hall. “Have no fear. I can see, through your thick aura of nervousness, that you are very strong. You were trained well by Mildweather, no doubt.”


“N Nanny trained me to the limitations of her skills. I had to do most of the training, myself." [s]She[/s] Lani didn't know what to say, [s]so concentrating on not throwing up[/s] her mind [s]went[/s] blank. She focused her concentration on not throwing up which turned out to be a difficult task indeed They reached a small door that Lani would have missed, if she hadn't nearly walked into Ginta, [s]when she walked in front of her. [/s]
"The assessment starts now. In this room, I will tell you what to do, and then quite simply, you will do it." Ginta opened the door and stepped [s]to the [/s] aside to let Lani in.


The room was no bigger than 10 metres in length, with pock marked white walls and a set of awkward-looking wooden targets, hovering at a sedate pace Pace isn't the right word to use here. It feels awkward. Try to find another over her head. Strangely, she felt [s]herself[/s] calm; the butterflies [s]and sick [/s]deflating in her stomach. She already knew what to do, she just needed the word to start. This was the first exercise Nanny had shown her, back when she had only just mastered the art of summoning her magic. She began to smile This sentence, has a bit too much showing going on, instead say something like a smile tugged at her lips as she took a deep breath.


--


“Son, I want you to be the one sent to the Towemea Sisters. I am proud of your progress in the arts of healing and alchemy, even more than any of your brothers. You have achieved so much and would do a lot better with the Sisters, where you can prove your worth of power outside of healing the little one's cut knees and Grannies' rheumatism.” The middle aged man, fat and balding, wheezed to his youngest son, with a proud smile on his pudgy face that spoke volumes of 'don't disappoint me' to him This was a bit of a runon. Please split up your ideas . The gaudy yellow of the jacket that he wore always made his son sick to the stomach. To him, his father was nothing but a moral-less greedy man, always ready to bend over to have piles of money sifting through his fat, greasy fingers Again, try to make your sentences a bit more concise . Bobinus, with his slight but strong build and penchant for wearing no other colour but black, always found that he wished his mother had never left [s]gone away [/s]with the Prince who wooed her away five years ago. Not that she was better than him him, who are you talking about? Watch out for your pronoun referenses since you have more than one character in this story , but she would never use his talents to gain money. She firmly believed in the arts being used to do good in the world, not for profit [s]money[/s].


“I am honoured Father, that you chose me. I will go and make the journey to Towemea when I have completed the set of phials I am [s]was[/s] working on. I promise to make you proud.” Bobinus didn't want to go. His dead tone and the loud exhalation of breath at the end of that sentence proved that to his father, who overlooked this and views his son as the money-making commodity as he was for him This sentence felt a bit incomplete and it was a little long. Try to clear up your ideas, I was kind of confused . To have a hero in the family, Take out this comma is to gain fame and when you do something as rare-to-come-by as the art of healing and substance manipulation well, you could say that [s]that[/s] the gold purse increases thousandfold.


Bobinus could see the gold pieces shining in his Whose eyes? Be specific. Watch the pronouns eyes when he looked at him one last time and turned away from his Father and raced down the stairs, to the Laboratory that he called his home, [s]within his home[/s]. “Good bye, Father.” His voice carried over his retreating shoulder.


The Laboratory was nothing but a basement, [s]large and[/s] sparsely decorated, save for a rather large cupboard full of the materials of the trade. It was a meagre working table, covered with metal sheets and some very curious looking elegant bottles. The table was accompanied with a wooden bench that was worn in the shape of a bottom A bottom what? I'm a bit confused by your wording , from years of Bobinus practicing the art of alchemy on seemingly endless sheets of metal and sacks full of sand, [s]kindly lent to him from the Flayshinuas, who lived in the Desert land, Theomard[/s]. Since I'm guessing Flayshinuas isn't a key character, it's best not to mention him. Your readers won't wonder where he got the sacks from


This room was the reason he did not want to leave. He didn't want to leave Try not to repeat words like leave all of his discoveries and his blatant flaunting of the minuscule reserves of magic he had, for he knew that as soon as he would be gone, his Father, Mr Moneymaker Aranigob would root about and make money off anything he found by selling it to the King This again was a bit of a long sentence. Cut up your ideas . Or some rich merchant from Competyi or, even worse, from Seedelen. He hated only one thing more than his father, and that was the religion of Nash, that had caused more wars over the past few thousand years. He shuddered to think of the losses this fake 'King' had cost the world, particularly here in Candinia.


Opening the cupboard door, Bobinus grabbed the large black bag from the bottom shelf and carried to the table. Shoving some of the sheets of metal to the side, he placed that bag down and began hurriedly cramming all of the contents of the table into it, not caring if the phials were going to be broken by the metal. He raced over to the cupboard again but this time pushed out an entire shelf of phials that had herbs, sands, metals and liquids that he needed. They fell to the ground. No crash was heard because Reword the underlined part, it seemed a bit awkward they floated upwards and very slowly, Take out this comma made their way for the bag. Wasting no time, Bobinus flashed over to a certain floor board, flicked it open with a clever stamp and grabbed as many of the papers that he kept hidden there as he could. They went into the now bulging bag. The strings were pulled tightly to seal it and with a swing of arms, it was heaved upon his shoulders. Slamming the door closed with his foot, Bobinus hoped that his Father wasn't already loitering in the corridors to spy on his room.