Before i could comprehend what had happened, I was running. My long coat flying behind me. My hat tried to escape a couple times, me catching it at the last second. Why on earth would I chase an innocent cab driver? I thought. Then I thought again, oh yeah, One Billion plates.
It takes me awhile to slow to a stop, he's to far gone to stop. I look to my right and O'nalleys bar is sitting right in front of me. I walk in out of breath and the bar is empty, except for one man in the corner reading a news paper, and the old bar key. The sound of the opening door startles him awake. "What will it be?" he said in a sleepy, monotone voice. "A tall shot of Amber." He shuffles back to the counter, slow as molasses in winter time. "That will be thirty four plates." He slides a glass full of amber towards me and I pay the man for the expensive drink. Then he lays down to sleep again.
I take a seat across the room from the other man in the bar. He pays no mind to me. I take long sips of my drink and look out the window. I let this case slip away I think. I go to take another sip and my drink is done. I stumble over to the mens room, that glass was taller then I thought. I hear the man get up and follow me into the bathroom.
I stand there washing my face with cold water. I'm not supposed to be drunk, I am a professional, I thought. When I came up from washing my face I heard a click behind my head.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello.
First up: proofread. In the first part you have an uncapitalized I, and you've misused the first period of this segment (it should be a comma separating "I was running" and "my long coat flying behind me"). It's little things, but those little things add up.
Also, formatting. Every time a new person speaks, you should be creating a new paragraph. To apply this to your middle paragraph:
You should be doing that for all dialogue you write, just to make it easier to keep track of who says what.
On a related note, your syntax. You start almost every single sentence with "I", and you have an extremely repetitive sentence structure of subject-verb-object. Sometimes you add on dependent clauses ("before I knew it", for example), but even when you do that the subject is almost always "I" or "he".
Vary up your sentence structure. Make it that it's not always the narrator or a person starting the sentence. If you read published works, you'll notice they have a bunch of different types of sentences that start a bunch of different ways. Start trying to apply that to your writing, and you'll end up with much better prose. Right now, everything is very repetitive and gets a little boring after awhile.
Finally, this is so short. Just when it's getting interesting, you're really only giving us about 500 words of plot progression. Try to make your segments closer to a thousand words, or even a thousand five hundred. That gives you enough time to truly develop a scene, getting in the character's emotions, descriptions of the setting, and generally giving your writing more meat.
Overall, this is interesting. However, it needs some polish and expanding. Once you do that, you'll be well on your way to something amazing.
~Rosey
The plot thickens, a nice follow up to the original, I can't drop an in depth review until more of the whole piece comes out. What you've given us so far is really strong and entertaining, the only one criticism I can offer is your grammar could use some cleaning up in this piece.
Here's how I would change things, please do not take offense.
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Before I could comprehend what *just happened, I was running. My long coat flying behind me, my hat tries to escape a couple times but I catch it at the last second. Why on earth would I chase an innocent cab driver? - I thought, but then I thought again - oh yeah, one billion plates.
It takes me awhile to slow to a stop, he's too far gone to stop. I look to my right and O'nalleys bar is sitting right in front of me. I walk in out of breath and the bar is empty except for one man in the corner reading a news paper and the old bar keep. The sound of the opening door startles him awake. "What will it be?" he says in a sleepy, monotone voice. "A tall shot of Amber." He shuffles back to the counter, slow as molasses in winter time. "That will be thirty four plates." He slides a glass full of amber towards me and I pay the man for the expensive drink. He then lays back down to sleep again.
I take a seat across the room from the other man in the bar, he pays no mind to me. I take long sips of my drink and look out the window. I think about letting this case slip away. I go to take another sip and my drink is done. I stumble over to the men's room, that glass was taller then I thought. I hear the man get up and follow me into the bathroom.
I stand there washing my face with cold water. I'm not supposed to be drunk, I am a professional, I thought. When I came up from washing my face I heard a click behind my head.
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* I wrote just instead of had because had is used for something in the more distance past, this story takes place right after part 1, therefore it makes sense to just since the protag just witnessed it.
*Another thing I noticed is tense switching, while it can be okay when appropriate, for this piece, it is unnecessary.
I definitely recommend reading this, looking forward to more.