*This is only a small piece of much larger story I wrote. I need to work on the title.*
The bell chimed at the opening door two rooms down from my office. Sounds of foot steps filled the once quiet creaky corridor. I stared at the doorway to my office, watching and waiting for a new case to burst into my lonely life. I don't mind being alone, perhaps it's better in my line of work. Then she walked in, 5 inch heels, long dark hair, and bright red lipstick.
She stood there, in the door, as if waiting for an engraved invitation. "Well," I said, " Are we gonna' discuss a case or are you just gonna sit there?" She looked shocked at my comment. It may have been rude but I wasn't particularly interested in what the case was, I just wanted to solve it and get the reward.
She sat down, "Mr. Coals, I do not believe it is in your best interest to insult me if you want my case." she said.
"I don't want your case, I want your money." was my response.
"Solve this and I'll pay you one billion Plates."
"That's a lot of plates miss, what could you possibly want solved so much?"
"That's none of your business Mr. Coals."
"If you want my help it is."
" Then I'll just leave." She said with a sigh and started to get up. One billion plates, I thought, I can't just let that go. "Wait," I said, "I'll help you, but if you want this solved, I'm gonna' need all the facts." She sat back down, "Find this man." She showed me a photo dated 12/22/08, recent. "I'll need a name." I remarked as I stared at the photo. "John Adaman.", and with that she left.
One billion plates, I thought. I buttoned on my long coat and left. I needed that money as soon as possible, my lease was almost up.
The cold air felt hot against my cheeks as I stepped out onto the busy street. After trying to hail a cab for 15 minutes, one finally answered and I climbed in. "50th Broadway" I told the driver and he drove the hour long drive to the old cobblestone street. As I stepped out of the cab and tipped the driver, I noticed something familiar about him. As I stared at him trying to place where I had seen him before, he slammed the door shut and drove away. When he was halfway down the street, it hit me. The man from the photo was my taxi driver.
*I might post more of the story later it is a very long book though so I don't think I'll ever get it all on here.*
~Spaulds
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140,502 Literary Works • 673,256 Reviews
Definitely post more.
Hello!
Overall, I think this is a very nice piece. It's informative without giving too much away and keeps the reader hungry and eager for the next chapter.
However, I do have a few nitpicks:
1. "The bell chimed at the opening door two rooms down from my office."
To me, the way you phrased this is a little choppy and unclear. Perhaps if you added an "of the" in between "opening" and "door", it'd be a bit clearer.
2."That's none of your business Mr. Coals."
There should be a comma before "Mr. Coals". Just a small teeny tiny nitpick!
3. I noticed that you mentioned "Plates" a few times but you only capitalized it once. I'm not sure if you didn't mean to capitalize it that first time or what, but I think you should stick to either capitalizing it or sticking with lowercase.
Well, that's all I have! I really did enjoy this and I hope you put more of this story on here so I can read it.
See you around,
Lost
Hey @thelostone
Just wanted to tell you something cool I found:
if you put
Hey spaulds! Clickdun here :3
So, I liked this story. It was quick and easy, and a fun read. I do have a bit of a complaint though.
Right here you introduce us to a new currency, but you don't explain it to us. I've only had a few books do this, but basically, I'm an American, so I compare the currency to dollars. This is a billion plates, so I think:
"Oh, it's a billion dollars."
Whereas that might not be the case. I don't know how to explain this well, but basically we have to see interactions of the money with everyday items. For example:
"Hey, welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?"
"Yes, I'll have a big mac, nothing on it. Just burger, bun, and cheese please."
"Okay, that'll be three-thousand plates."
"Oh, and a large fountain drink."
"Okay, that'll be, um, three-thousand-five-hundred plates."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome. That'll be right out for you."
(Can you tell I'm hungry? Feed the cookies to me!)
That'd be nice.
Anyway, this is a nice piece and I can't wait to read more!
Write on!
~Lord Clickdun~