Changing Seasons Part One

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...this was an interesting little start here, seemed to be quite normal at the beginning but then things did take a very mysterious turn towards the end and I'm certainly quite intrigued by what this all could mean here...this is off to a lovely start.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Crisp breezes blow through the autumn forest, knocking red, orange, and yellow leaves off the trees. Tall grasses dance in the wind. Cadite awoke to a bright sun shining through a small whole in the large tan tent. The smell of Maple syrup filled the air, She sat up slowly to peek out the window. As she folded back the curtain to take a look, her mother yelled into her room, “Cadite Lucidia Folia! Get out here, Ardere is waiting for you!” She quickly sprang off of her mat and slipped on her favorite orange T-Shirt, a dark brown leather jacket, and her tight crimson Jeans. After lacing up her black ankle high boots, she threw aside her curtain and meandered into the kitchen, she was still tired from last night.

Her mom was right, Ardere was waiting for her, Someone she did not want to see right now. “Took you long enough,” Ardere remarked snobbily, “ What were you doing, jeans too tight again?” She wasn’t wrong, her jeans were a little small, but it wasn’t like she was going to get new ones anytime soon. “Just the person I wanted to see first thing in the morning.” Cadite said in a monotone, morning voice, “Hey, Don’t get too excited to see me.” Answered Ardere sarcastically. “I’m only stopping by to say Good Bye before I head off to the soccer match. You coming?” “Sure I’ll meet you there.” Was all Cadite said and Ardere skipped out the door. That was her optimistic all the time, never serious, Cadite was surprised that they were friends. They were just so different.

After eating her maple cakes she strolled out the door and to the soccer match. On her way there she spotted a beautiful pink rose blossoming by the side of the beaten path. She ran over and stared at it. So gorgeous, she quickly killed it and stood up triumphantly. Blasted spring, she thought, what did we ever do to them? Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if spring were to, Fall? She quickly pushed the thought out of her mind and moved on, the seasons need each other, what was she thinking?

Heya, Chrissy here for a review!

Okay, I'm going to do the nitpicking first, and then tell you what I think of it.

The smell of Maple syrup filled the air, She sat up slowly to peek out the window. As she folded back the curtain to take a look, her mother yelled into her room,

After lacing up her black ankle high boots, she threw aside her curtain and meandered into the kitchen, she was still tired from last night.

Her mom was right, Ardere was waiting for her, Someone she did not want to see right now. “Took you long enough,” Ardere remarked snobbily, “ What were you doing, jeans too tight again?” She wasn’t wrong, her jeans were a little small, but it wasn't like she was going to get new ones anytime soon. “Just the person I wanted to see first thing in the morning.” Cadite said in a monotone, morning voice, “Hey, Don’t get too excited to see me.” Answered Ardere sarcastically. “I’m only stopping by to say Good Bye before I head off to the soccer match. You coming?” “Sure I’ll meet you there.” Was all Cadite said and Ardere skipped out the door. That was her optimistic all the time, never serious, Cadite was surprised that they were friends. They were just so different.

So gorgeous, she quickly killed it and stood up triumphantly.

So gorgeous. She quickly killed it and stood up triumphantly.

Hey, Spaulds!

Alright, let's get down to it! I'll start off by saying you have some really lovely imagery in here, and the picture is very quickly painted in my mind. However, your problem comes in when connecting your imagery. There isn't a very smooth flow between it all. The pictures don't flow with one another, and it seems to jump around.

Like in the very beginning. You're starting off with a really naturey scenery, but you go from the leaves falling from the trees straight to the tall grass. Perhaps have some more transition between the two, such as the leaves twirl gracefully in the wind as they fall, and then adding in the grass? But I do like that right off the bat we're able to tell the season, since it seems very important.

Then the same thing happens with the third sentence. It goes from lovely images of trees and nature to suddenly someone waking up? Transitions and having a really smooth flow between points is always important in a story so that we can get drawn in.

Another thing that I want to point out is that with dialogue, everytime there is a new speaker, then another line must be created, likes so:

"Hello," said George.

"Hello there," Monica said. "Lovely weather we're having."

George nodded. "I agree."

It's really simple, but it helps to keep track of who is saying what and then everything is not just clumped together. Also, here I showed some forms of punctuation and capitalization within dialogue. As you may notice, whenever there is a dialogue tag, there has to be a comma, but there reason there isn't for the last one is because the beginning part isn't a dialogue tag. It's an action. If you're confused, just ask me and I'll see if I can point you to a better explanation.

Another thing that I notice is that you have some sentences with a comma, but the first letter is capitalized. Now, the capitalization is correct, because it's supposed to be the start of a new sentence, but change the comma to a period, because otherwise it's a run on sentence and doesn't make much sense.

Final point is that I don't quite understand what's happening in the last paragraph. Is this Cadite who is doing this all, smashing the flower. For some reason I had thought the perspective had changed, so just clarify that, and I am kind of confused on what she mean that Spring was apparently harassing them...? Please elaborate more on that.

Despite how short it was, this was a nice read and I encourage you to go back and take some of my advice into consideration. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~