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Star crossed lovers chapter 1.1 (rough draft)

by Spartan118


Emily was walking home from school one day and she saw the local crazy homeless man. He approached Emily and said, "I was once a great soldier. I protected earth from alien invaders long ago."

Emily ignores him and walks away. He follows her, telling her his story and what he did. The more he talked the more Emily grew to know what had happened to this guy.

Emily asks him what his name was and he replied, "My name is John."

Emily walked away thinking, why would I ask for his name, when he's the town's local crazy person. Oh well I guess it can bring no harm.

That night Emily had a dream that she was fighting an alien race bent on destroying the earth. She saw John fighting along side her, as well as an alien but when she looked at the alien all it did was nod to her. She woke up after a few seconds drenched in sweat and panting real hard.

She began to speak not knowing she was thing out loud "What was that dream about, and maybe John was right about what he said about fighting aliens. Maybe this is them returning to finish what they started?"

Emily decided to stay up the rest of the night to keep herself from dreaming, not knowing that the dream was actually a forewarning from a guardian angel. She kept wondering if that dream was real or not, but she knew she had to talk to John about it cause he seemed to know more than what he said he did. She drew a picture of the aliens that she was fighting to show John it later.

Immediately after school she went to find John and give him the drawing she made. After a few hours, Emily gave up looking for John cause he was nowhere to be found. On her way home she managed to find John.

TO BE CONTINUED...


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410 Reviews


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Mon May 02, 2016 8:35 am
Eros wrote a review...



Hello, Sparten!!

This is Eros here to review this bautiful story.

The title is very captivating. It is well related with the story. I loved the theme of this story. I really liked how the tory flowed. It has a mystery in it. The idea is very unique. The way you described everything is really appreciable. This novel prove to be a real adventure. I would love to read more.

The choice of words was really beautiful. I like the base of this story. Everything was superb. Loved this piece.

I am eager to know more. Inform me when you write the next part.

Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading such awesome works like this one.
Have a great day/night!
:D




Spartan118 says...


I'm sorry to inform you but this is one that is not going to be continued I'm sorry for the inconvenience tho plz do check out my latest works once I post them once again I am really sorry and thx for the review



Eros says...


Yes sure!! Welcome!



Spartan118 says...


I'm going to continue to write this one after some real long thought about it and it's going to tie into another story but that's for a later date



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Sun Apr 10, 2016 11:39 am
Elijah wrote a review...



The story is interesting!Go on and continue it!I would love to see the next parts of it coming.I like the style in which you write.There are sentences who are just too long and they may be corrected into shorter sentences.They just make me lost the idea but this is me personally,I do not know if it is in general.I want to know what is going to happen! XD
For a short story with if unfinished ..this is catchy!If you could be more detailed in the next parts,It could be amazing!

Good job!




Spartan118 says...


the next part will come out after I finish writing "The Last Celestrian: Entegia's Adventure" (title is work in progress) and that's if I feel like writing more to this story alone



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Sat Mar 26, 2016 5:24 am
litsnowflake says...



I thought this was really cool ! (Let me just say that my grammar is terrible. So I wont be reviewing and critiquing any of yours haha.) Anyway, this was a pretty good short story. One big thing about writing stories like this is that you must be detailed. Sometimes less detail leaves room for imagination, which can also be kinda fun for me personally. However, its better to give the reader more detail so that we can get an idea of what you're seeing. I really enjoyed reading this though! Good Stuff.




Spartan118 says...


I want your animation to run cause this is a readers choice on what is said and I probably will keep it like that and if you notice she was ignoring him



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Wed Mar 23, 2016 3:15 pm
JediDeadpool wrote a review...



Not keeping in mind that this is part of a longer novel, I would totally have assumed that this was a dream!
A lot of my dreams are like this; lots of very important details and I somehow just skip through them.
Although, none of my dreams have been this cool for a while.
And that cliffhanger!
I really expected her to never see John again, the end, cut and print.
But BOOM! She finds him!! Now I wanna know what happens next!!!


As far as the spelling, no spelling mistakes.
Although you do have a few run-on sentences, those are easily forgotten or replaced.

She saw John fighting along side her, as well as an alien but when she looked at the alien all it did was nod to her.

This sentence should either be split into two, or modified.
She kept wondering if that dream was real or not, but she knew she had to talk to John about it cause he seemed to know more than what he said he did.

This sentence also should probably be split up into two.

Emily walked away thinking, why would I ask for his name, when he's the town's local crazy person. Oh well I guess it can bring no harm.

This sentence isn't run-on, but her thoughts should be put inside quotation marks, since it's something she actually said.

The last couple of things I have to add is so far the name of the story doesn't make sense with the story itself. Also, you mentioned that Emily is a young girl, and John is the resident crazy man. I think it WOULD be interesting if they fell in love (and the crazy-man part kind of negates if he actually does fight aliens), but the huge age gap might get you some flak from disapproving readers. Just a heads up about that!

Other than that this story is very interesting, and I'll be waiting for the next installment!
Always keep writing :)




Spartan118 says...


Um just and fyi I used John from a big Xbox game so you might want to look up xbox games that use John as the main character and it starts with an H



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Wed Mar 23, 2016 2:23 pm
PickledChrissy wrote a review...



Hey, Chrissy here for a review!

Welcome to YWS! Hope you like the site. If you ever need help with anything feel free to shoot me a PM. I'd be happy to help. But for now, I'm going to focus on giving you the best review I can. It's been about three months since I reviewed, so I'm a little rusty. I'll just do my best and hope it's good enough. And I think that's enough blabbing on my part. I'll get to work now.

The earth was at stake and the only person brave enough to save it was a young girl, by the name of Emily, and this is her story.


This is more of a teaser than part of the story. It doesn't really belong where you put it. And if you want to leave it there, you need to separate it from the rest of your writing. Maybe by putting it in bold or whatever these are called. Where it really belongs, if you keep it there, is below the title in greenroom. You put it there to get people interested. The people that you already have reading your story don't need it. In fact, it's rather distracting.

Emily was walking home from school one day and she saw the local crazy homeless man.


Whoa, slow down. Stop and look at this sentence. It is it's own little story all by itself. Read the story, and try to expand it. Emily was walking home from school. Okay, where was her school? What kind of place was she walking through? If there was a homeless guy wandering around I assume it wasn't the classiest part of town. Then there is Emily herself.

What was she wearing? Was she tired? There are questions you could answer that would help us find out more about her without you even actually saying anything. For instance, she just got out of school for the day. And she is in highschool, or I assume she is. If she is drained from her work, put that in there. Usually after school is out I feel like my head has been stomped on. Algebra doesn't agree with me

Then you need to describe the homeless guy. If he is like most guys you see on the street he probably doesn't smell too great. And what does he look like? Why is he running after her?

Now, take what I said and apply it to the entire work. Just read through and edit it a bit. Or, if you feel like, try rewriting with the goal of putting in more description.

The more he talked the more Emily grew to know what had happened to this guy.


We don't know, though. Maybe she does, but we don't know anything. You really, really need to tell us what he said. Otherwise we're just lost.

Well, that is all I had the time for. I love her dream, btw! :D It's a really cool idea. And, even though I threw a fit over a bunch of stuff, I think you did a awesome job on this first bit. Be sure to let me know when you post the next part.

Keep writing! :D ~Chrissy




Spartan118 says...


I won't be posting anymore parts to this story cause a lot of it has to do with my x and me.



Spartan118 says...


Or at least not until I am feeling better and stuff





Okay. I understand. If you ever do post more, keep me in mind.



Spartan118 says...


I will once I can find my inspiration or I fall in love with some one which ever comes first cause romance is hard for me to write about




A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.
— Franz Kafka