Published November 28, 2011
>EDITED
I never thought life could get any worse, I get bullied at school but nobody cares. I was just a young little girl with her whole childhood losing the fun. Where did it go? Why did it have to leave me so early? Because of the kind of family I was in I had to start growing up so early. This is what happened when I thought I was gonna lose my whole life, my whole future.
Guns and knives were just everywhere, my dad held a gun and knife and my mom just held my younger brother screaming for me to get that little boy away from the life risking place. As I ran towards my mom and my younger brother that i could see both of them in tears, but of them in pain. As soon as the police got there I got one question, If I had just thought about the right answer I could have changed mine, mom's and my younger brother's whole life.But I answered NO when the man asked If they were fighting. Why did I say no? Why did I lie? I never wanted to hurt the two of them but that is what i did without knowing or even meaning it
Years passed but everything was just the same. Nothing had changed, not even a bit. I still heard the same screams, the screams of my mom and brother. When would it end? Why can't they be happy yet? i asked myself a hundred times. I wanted a new life before the start of school again. I wanted a happy family, a family with love and happiness. It was just a few more weeks until school, new questions pop up in my head wondering if ever I would get what i wanted for my life.
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Great start, but maybe rephrase "gonna" to "going to". That is more proper. You do tend to use "little" too often - try rephrasing it to something like "young" or "early." Maybe you can start writing the second paragraph again, as it is a little confusing. I had a hard time understanding the point of that paragraph. Good luck to you and your stories!
Hey,
really sparkyrox2 i think if you just took a little longer and explained a little more it will be great and as soon as you add description to your work im sure everyone will want you to write a part 2.
The beginning of your story is good but i think you might want to start with more of a pulling line. Something which makes the reader want to read.
When you go to your next paragraph you jumped, and it confused me because i couldn't figure out what you were saying. maybe you should start slowly by describing the scene in a little more detail. You have just jumped to a scene with barely any descriptions, i don't know what girl or what boy you are talking about.
You should also add feelings into your writing it always makes a storyline much more stronger.
Keep Writing love.