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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Howdy Flower! Dogs here with your review today. Alrighty, first off I like the simplicity and shortness of this poem. Way to keep it too the point and keep the readers attention. I often have the issue of losing my readers attention sometimes.. but that is beside the point. Back to your lovely poem, there are just a few touch ups I'd like to add to this. Firstly, I like the fact that it's short and too the point, however it may be a little too short for my tastes. You do a great and simple little metaphor, comparing the ice to love, which I really enjoy because being a more imagist poet myself, trying to make a picture out of abstractions can be some of the greatest writing. Maybe put a tad bit more emphasis on the image of love like ice and slipping away, dripping and dropping. What melts the ice so that it slips away, why does it like to slip away. Of course it can be a bit of a writing style to leave this questions un-answered for the reader, but personally I love to read those 'visualizing abstractions' poetry.
Furthermore, personally I'm a fan of using grammar in writing, but of course that is something entirely up to the author. I'd suggest that you do because it makes the flow so much smoother, and it makes it easier for the reader to just move through what your saying. Although again entirely up to your better judgement.
All and all I think this is a lovely piece of poetry, it's out of the ordinary and it's not the usual sappy love poem titled "love" that most people would expect. I think with a little touching up this is on the right track to being a wonderful piece. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hi Spanish! Welcome to YWS!
Such an element of surprise, and I love it!
There is something really appealing about this poem. At first I thought, "oh just another love poem and it's even titled Love", but when I read this, it turned out to be something that I quite liked.
I *really* like the rhyme of "away" and "someday". Normally, that might not please me so much, but it's somehow so cleverly placed that it makes a huge difference to how the poem sounds read out loud. If that rhyme wasn't there, I don't think I would like this poem as much. It would lose its specialness with the rhyme.
The reason why I say that is that when you think of it, the language used in this poem isn't really all that unique and never-before-seen. The words are quite basic, and the contrast of hard and soft (or similar) is often associated with love. Even the form of the words resembles a cliche like "love is patient, love is kind".
But still, somehow, you get away with all this and created a poem that was actually such a pleasure to read.
Happy future writing!
Demeter
x
It's you! Welcome, SpanishFlower. I'm going to drop a review on this, but then you need to get out there and start leaving some reviews of your own, you hear me? ;D
I really like what you did when you chose the word "ice" to go with hard and soft. We usually think of ice as only hard. It hurts if we throw snowballs with ice accidentally inside them. If we slip on the ice, it's not a nice soft landing like in snow. But! There is a certain moment when it seems soft, and that's when it's melting a little bit, when there's a fine layer of water on the top, and then it seems cushioned and easy. You evoke that idea even more by using the word "slips".
What's even more awesome is that you've got the "I'm not using punctuation, 'cause if I don't it will make more meanings" down pat.
We can read:
or
and that just keeps us flowing through your poem like we're on ice*~*~. The only thing is that your capitalization is inconsistent, so it looks more like we should read "Love is soft like ice" and the next sentence begins with the capital letter in "It slips away". Think about that and clean up your capitalization if it's not what you intended.
So, anyway, congratulations on a first section of a poem that does a lot of amazingly crazy-good things. I hope you intended them, because then we'll be able to see more awesomeness from you. And even if you didn't, learn from them now so you can use them purposefully in the future.
The weak point of this poem, though, is the last part:
I like it just fine. I mean, it's good and it's true. Love goes and comes. But compared to the rest of your poem, it's flat and blunt. Plus the "but fear not!" sounds like some old-timey man in a british accent instead of the vulnerable narrator you have in the first four lines. I wonder if you could rework your meaning with different words so you still communicate it, but a little bit more gracefully?
This is a really good piece, Spanish. Thank you, and good luck!
PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review.
Keep writing~
Thanks for the review I will keep your coments in mind for the next time I write a story or a poem