chapter 1
Boom!!!" What was that?" I screamed scared stiff by the noise.I didn't bother looking down at my big sister Lidia I knew she was startled but still casualy checking her phone,but right now some glowing figure had caught my attention.I jumped off the top bunk of our bed and slowly creeped across the room.Finally I had caught Lidia's attention "What are you....."her voice trailed off as she joined me at the window.The glowing figure waltzed across the yard then stopped to look before entering the Forrest .We looked at each other and jumped back into bed I couldn't go to sleep I couldn't stop thinking about that thing what was I going to do tomarrow is finals I am sooo dommed!
The next morning I woke up screaming Lidia tapped my head and said"okay okay I'm up gosh" I gave her an angry glare she knew I wasn't a morning person "gosh Megan what's your problem"I yelled back" don't touch me!!!"she stormed out of the room in the dramatic way that she dose.I decided that I needed to wake up before finals today so I went and took a quick shower,ate a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch and two gronla bars ,brushed my teeth ,and got dressed in this really cute outfit that makes me feel brainy.Lidia who got ready last night and ate thismorning was fiddling with her key chain when I walked in right away I knew she was thinking what I was thinking about last night that glowing figure.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okay...THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE.
BAD:
First of all, "chapter" should be "Chapter". "Boom!!!" should be in italics. Spaces after periods. "sooo" should just be "so"... "tommarrow" should be "tomorrow", spaces after qutations, after "morning person" it should have a period... okay.
I'm going to just go ahead and edit this...I just can't stand this at all.
"I screamed scared stiff by the noise"
.
.
Should be: I screamed, scared stiff by the noise. Although I would like to see some better imagery other then the boring: "scared stiff." It's a little over used in my opinion. Try a thesaurus! It helps a ton
That second sentence is a large run on. You need to break it up into two different sentences.
"the glowing figure waltzed..."
there ya go! Good use of the word "waltzed" I want to see more of that wonderful imagery more often from you
Forest. Not forrest.
"jumped back into bed I couldn't go to sleep I couldn't stop thinking..."
Should be: "jumped back into bed. I couldn't go to sleep, I couldn't stop thinking..." These are simple grammar errors that can be easily fixed by reading your writing out loud to yourself.
Doomed, not dommed.
"woke up screaming Lidia tapped my head"
Ok this line is so difficult to read because it is lacking some major grammar here. I'm not sure what to even make of this because it has no commas. Also before I even continue with your review we need to talk about the proper placing of commas and spaces and quotations. There is always a space after the comma or period. Also the comma or period is always right next to the letter or word. So it should look like: "this." and not "this ." Also, quotations should look like: "this" and not:" this" also there should be a space between he word and the next quotation. These are very simple grammar errors that make your piece look sloppy. Either read your writing aloud to yourself or copy and paste your piece into word to help fix these grammar errors. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hey there Ms. Flower
I screamed scared stiff by the noise.
big sister Lidia I knew she
still casualy checking
her phone,but right
do tomarrow is finals I am sooo dommed!
You've got a bit of grammar and spelling and such to work on here, so let's see if I can help you out.
You start with an onomatopoeia, which should probably be italicized, and then directly go to dialogue.This dialogue should begin in a new paragraph, as should all the dialogue that follows. You also have a bit of trouble with your spacing. You're missing spaces after periods and quotes, and other times you're adding them.
Spoiler
Here, there should be a comma after 'screamed'.
Spoiler
Here you need a comma before and after 'Lidia'.
Spoiler
This should be 'casually'.
Spoiler
This tight here is the start of a run on.
Spoiler
I'll let you pull out the spelling mistakes on your own, but you're not supposed to write 'sooo' here. It's not a real word, and if you really want to emphasize it, then italicize it.
The errors go on for a while and they make this a pain to enjoy. Even if you can't fix the paragraphing, a simple run through Microsoft Word will fix most of your errors, and make this much easier to read.
You need some simple revisions, that's all, so until then, keep on writing.