Young Writers Society

Hi Space!

I'm Ellie, and I'm here to give you a review. I really liked the idea behind this poem. To me, it's about loving someone even though they're hurting, and seeing the beauty and they might not see in themselves. I'm wondering if you've ever seen the movie Ordinary People. Your poem made me think of the central couple from that film. Their relationship operates very much in the same way in that they're both outcasts who find love with each other.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTbjh-Hxijo

I guess I'm wondering if you can't include a little bit more detail. Right now, there are a few questions that I had. Are the narrator and the subject a couple, or is she a crush? Does he want to be in a relationship with her? Secondly, I think there should be a little bit more to go on than this mutual feeling of depression that they both share. Do they feel better when they're around each other? What are special moments that they share? Just things to think about.

Good work. Let me know if you have any questions!

Hello! Before I begin, I wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading this poem! It was very emotional, and it's clear that you poured a lot into this. I also liked your use of repetition with "Pretty broken".

I don't really have any huge complaints, just little things I think could use improving.

The line, ""Kill me" begin to cry" is awkward. Who is saying this? Is it, ""Kill me(,)" (she) begin(s) to cry", or, ""Kill me(,)" (we) begin to cry"? Either way, I think that one line needs to be clearer to have a maximum effect.

Favorite lines:

"Her eyes

Are so pretty

Pretty broken

Just like me"

I'm a sucker for some good repetition, and I think you did extremely well with the ending of this poem.

Overall, I think you did very well, especially with the repetition and fragmentation of the piece. I really enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!

ella

Hey Corrupted Arrow here with a review!
(The Comma Police is here! Anything I say here is just constructive criticism. If i offend you I apologize in advance.(I will try to be humorous.)

I can relate to this poem. Some people might not. It hits home for me.

"She told me that she
'fucked herself up' " I know that it was supposed be from the other person's perspective, but that should have been "Myself"

From what I can see you don't have any grammar mistakes, and nothing is wrong with the commas. Keep up the writing, have a good day.