Hi Sowasred!
Welcome to YWS! My name is Elinor, and I thought I would drop by to give you a quick review. I really enjoyed reading your poem, it reminded me of Don McLean's American Pie and especially the allusions that the song makes to a record store at the end.
I went down to the sacred store
Where I'd heard the music years before
But the man there said the music wouldn't play
I'd be curious as to whether or not the song inspired you at all or if it's just a coincidence. Either way, you should listen to it if you're not familiar. I was curious to why you italicized it, if there was a meaning to it or if it was just for aesthetic. If it's the latter, I personally wouldn't italicize it, just to make it more clear for the reader.
Overall, I thought it was strong and as someone who owns a record player, I definitely relate to it. I would try to make your lines a little bit longer and break them up into stanzas just for the purpose of flow. I'd be curious about the allusion you make to the sky. I wasn't fully sure how it connected to everything else.
On a smaller note:
Was the same
Early 2000 and 1900’s music
Playing in the store.
I liked this line, but when you reference the 1900s, it makes me think Victorian era/industrial revolution 1900s, which I don't think is what you were going for. I'd make this a little bit more clear.
Anyway, great work! Hope to see more from you in the future.
Cheers,
Elinor
Points: 1630
Reviews: 1260
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