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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Old Record Store

by Sowasred


I didn’t need to look at

The wrist watch

Around my neck

To know the sky was sad.

It was always sad at this hour.

The way the watercolor colors

Assorted together in the sky.

The way the streetlights were beaming brighter.

I knew it was the hour

The sky would be sad.

The copper wrist watch

Around my neck

Swinged side to side

In between my chest

Full of the salty ocean.

I held onto the watch

I could feel the engraved copper initials

Get engraved

Into my veins.

Even though,

I knew the initials and what it meant

I like to believe,

I was a stranger

To the

Initials.

I walked

To the old record store

With the copper wrist watch

Around my neck

And

The sad sky

Above my dazed salty eyes.

When I finally got

To the old record store

I heard the old church bells chiming.

I use to go there

Confessing the sins

That dig into me

Making my pores larger

Now

The idea

Of worshipping a contradiction

I’d rather wait until

My sins

Bring me to my own religion.

The bell chimed

When I opened the door

To the old record store

Everything physically

Was the same

Early 2000 and 1900’s music

Playing in the store.

Ashtray and febreeze

Engulfed the air.

The quiet hum was still in your ears.

Yet,

The old record store

Was missing something

Or maybe

I was missing something

I don’t know

Ask the sad sky

It knows me better than I do.


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Sun Apr 19, 2020 6:31 pm
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Elinor wrote a review...



Hi Sowasred!

Welcome to YWS! My name is Elinor, and I thought I would drop by to give you a quick review. I really enjoyed reading your poem, it reminded me of Don McLean's American Pie and especially the allusions that the song makes to a record store at the end.

I went down to the sacred store
Where I'd heard the music years before
But the man there said the music wouldn't play


I'd be curious as to whether or not the song inspired you at all or if it's just a coincidence. Either way, you should listen to it if you're not familiar. I was curious to why you italicized it, if there was a meaning to it or if it was just for aesthetic. If it's the latter, I personally wouldn't italicize it, just to make it more clear for the reader.

Overall, I thought it was strong and as someone who owns a record player, I definitely relate to it. I would try to make your lines a little bit longer and break them up into stanzas just for the purpose of flow. I'd be curious about the allusion you make to the sky. I wasn't fully sure how it connected to everything else.

On a smaller note:

Was the same

Early 2000 and 1900’s music

Playing in the store.


I liked this line, but when you reference the 1900s, it makes me think Victorian era/industrial revolution 1900s, which I don't think is what you were going for. I'd make this a little bit more clear.

Anyway, great work! Hope to see more from you in the future.

Cheers,
Elinor




Sowasred says...


Hello Elinor!!

I think it was just a coincidence but I'll sure to give it a listen. The 2000 and 1900 was something I did intend, rather more like late 80's early 2000s. This was one of my earlier poems though. And the poem was orginally broken into stanzas but i think it might've been an error or when I copied and paste it didn't translate the stanzas. I'll be sure to remember :) and the sky resembles what the poem is about. The poem is about how the narrator lost someone close to them, or simply doesn't see this person anymore and they visit the old places or place. The sky repersents the narrators emotions and depending on how you interpret how the narrator lost this person, the time of the person's death.

sorry if they're are any grammar errors my typing skills are not that good

sincerely,
sowasred



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Fri Apr 17, 2020 3:56 pm
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Plume wrote a review...



I really love that ending. Something about it is so haunting, and it calls back to the beginning with the "sad sky". I love how you break up the poem; it's so stream-of-consciousness yet broken at the same time. The effect is jarring, but in a good way, you know? I like the fact you call it a wristwatch but the narrator is wearing it around their neck. This probably could symbolize something, but I'm to tired of brain right now to think of what exactly it could be. You have some repetition that I thought detracted from the poem; saying watercolor colors is a little awkward, so you might consider changing that to watercolor hues or something of the like. Again, when you say

I could feel the engraved copper initials/Get engraved


It's a little awkward, using engraved twice, especially with get. You're using passive voice, which isn't the best. I'd suggest replacing it with something like "I could feel the engraved copper initials emboss themselves" or something of the like.

Also, the correct past tense of swing is swung.

Besides that, lovely poem! I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially that end bit.





The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
— Mark Twain