I didn’t need to look at
The wrist watch
Around my neck
To know the sky was sad.
It was always sad at this hour.
The way the watercolor colors
Assorted together in the sky.
The way the streetlights were beaming brighter.
I knew it was the hour
The sky would be sad.
The copper wrist watch
Around my neck
Swinged side to side
In between my chest
Full of the salty ocean.
I held onto the watch
I could feel the engraved copper initials
Get engraved
Into my veins.
Even though,
I knew the initials and what it meant
I like to believe,
I was a stranger
To the
Initials.
I walked
To the old record store
With the copper wrist watch
Around my neck
And
The sad sky
Above my dazed salty eyes.
When I finally got
To the old record store
I heard the old church bells chiming.
I use to go there
Confessing the sins
That dig into me
Making my pores larger
Now
The idea
Of worshipping a contradiction
I’d rather wait until
My sins
Bring me to my own religion.
The bell chimed
When I opened the door
To the old record store
Everything physically
Was the same
Early 2000 and 1900’s music
Playing in the store.
Ashtray and febreeze
Engulfed the air.
The quiet hum was still in your ears.
Yet,
The old record store
Was missing something
Or maybe
I was missing something
I don’t know
Ask the sad sky
It knows me better than I do.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Sowasred!
Welcome to YWS! My name is Elinor, and I thought I would drop by to give you a quick review. I really enjoyed reading your poem, it reminded me of Don McLean's American Pie and especially the allusions that the song makes to a record store at the end.
I'd be curious as to whether or not the song inspired you at all or if it's just a coincidence. Either way, you should listen to it if you're not familiar. I was curious to why you italicized it, if there was a meaning to it or if it was just for aesthetic. If it's the latter, I personally wouldn't italicize it, just to make it more clear for the reader.
Overall, I thought it was strong and as someone who owns a record player, I definitely relate to it. I would try to make your lines a little bit longer and break them up into stanzas just for the purpose of flow. I'd be curious about the allusion you make to the sky. I wasn't fully sure how it connected to everything else.
On a smaller note:
I liked this line, but when you reference the 1900s, it makes me think Victorian era/industrial revolution 1900s, which I don't think is what you were going for. I'd make this a little bit more clear.
Anyway, great work! Hope to see more from you in the future.
Cheers,
Elinor
Hello Elinor!!
and the sky resembles what the poem is about. The poem is about how the narrator lost someone close to them, or simply doesn't see this person anymore and they visit the old places or place. The sky repersents the narrators emotions and depending on how you interpret how the narrator lost this person, the time of the person's death.
I think it was just a coincidence but I'll sure to give it a listen. The 2000 and 1900 was something I did intend, rather more like late 80's early 2000s. This was one of my earlier poems though. And the poem was orginally broken into stanzas but i think it might've been an error or when I copied and paste it didn't translate the stanzas. I'll be sure to remember
sorry if they're are any grammar errors my typing skills are not that good
sincerely,
sowasred
I really love that ending. Something about it is so haunting, and it calls back to the beginning with the "sad sky". I love how you break up the poem; it's so stream-of-consciousness yet broken at the same time. The effect is jarring, but in a good way, you know? I like the fact you call it a wristwatch but the narrator is wearing it around their neck. This probably could symbolize something, but I'm to tired of brain right now to think of what exactly it could be. You have some repetition that I thought detracted from the poem; saying watercolor colors is a little awkward, so you might consider changing that to watercolor hues or something of the like. Again, when you say
It's a little awkward, using engraved twice, especially with get. You're using passive voice, which isn't the best. I'd suggest replacing it with something like "I could feel the engraved copper initials emboss themselves" or something of the like.
Also, the correct past tense of swing is swung.
Besides that, lovely poem! I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially that end bit.