Toxic
I paint my nails with lipstick
Cover my lips in Sharpie
Drink fermented acid
Bathe in liquid dish soap
My whole life I've been swimming in fear
So it goes on like this
Markers, red-toned make-up
Feeling incomplete inside
Swelling on all of my piercings
Alone
I wash my hair in gasoline
The smell, like a warning to stay away
Back away from me
I use a paper bag as a purse
A safety pin as a key
A key to scars
A million little holes
Made while in my fist
Bruises
Purple
Blue
Made by crayons
It's insane, how wax can stick to you
Melted on by voodoo candles
And hot glue
So while I wash my hair in gasoline
And dress in make-up, so obscene
If I smile, will you smile?
Will you smile at me
Attention-seeking I may be
But there is something sincere in the life I lead
It tastes so
toxic.
But I'm not one to hold my tongue
I'm made to go out
Make sure I'm the one who's one won
Yes, me
But there is something so obvious
In my lies, and my deviousness
it's toxic
it's toxic
The life I lead
I've lost it
Because
The food I eat
The drinks I drink
The tongues I kiss
Yes, they're toxic
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Yes, I like this and I agree with Brendan. This poem sounds almost like a song. I also agree with his point about rhythm. This poem seems to have no pattern. However, the tone of the poem suggests confusion and despair, so a confused rhythm and structure can reflect its tone, but you should make sure that you pay attention to this detail and make the structure fall into harmony with the meaning of the piece and the images you create.
Overall, this is a good and thought-provoking poem.
I love a bit of dark er stuff and this is a very original poem. The metaphors you used and the way you mix up and cross over between make-up etc is a very interesting way of writing. The expression is fantastic and the imagery likewise, the blunt style works well here: gives a bit of heat to the words.
This almost sounds like a song, in fact if you called it song lyrics there would be absolutely nothing wrong with it. The problem with poetry is that it needs to be a lot more rigid in the rhythm etc: as you don't have the music to carry the rhythm. It feels like after the three bigger stanzas (ending in 'and hot glue' the rhythm changes and it almost sounds like a different poem ( the second bit sounds like a song actually) individually these two parts are great, but when together, they don't connect too well and it takes away from the whole poem a little bit... Maybe you could tweak it a bit to make it a little more symmetrical... I hate that word because it sounds boring and conventional but I feel it would help here - if only the start rhymed more or the second less or whatever.
Nonetheless, I love your style. starred for sure..
Brendan
I really like this. It's so sassy. And screams at you in a way.
Very Very Good.
You have a very unique style. I have nothing critical to say except maybe read it out loud again to make sure the rhythm isn't faltering any with you punctuation and everything.
But other than that.Brilliant.
Keep Writing .PM me for anything. And oh yeah.WElcome!
Hello.
And welcome heeere.
Pretty intense poetry here. I commend you for making it so vivid. You also expressed well in this poem, expressed identity, I mean. 'Tis one of the things I love about poetry. Expression.
Anyway, identity screams out of every line of this for me. This poem is cool since it has such a strong attitude which, of course, poems about identity should have.
Great poem. Keep writing. PM me for anything.
--Knightly
Hi there, welcome to YWS! You've made a pretty good start with this poem - I like the concept and you express yourself well. Before I get any further into my critique, however, I'd just like to remind you of one of the forum rules (see HERE for more info). YWS has a 2:1 policy, which means that before you post any of your own work we ask you to first review at least two pieces by other authors. This give you a chance to familiarize yourself with the quality of work and so forth posted here. It will also give you points, so that you can explore and post in other forums! So before you post any more of your poems here, we'd appreciate it if you could take a look around and comment on some of the pieces you enjoy. Thanks!
If you have any questions or need help with anything at all, feel free to PM me or one of the other mods (we're the ones in green) or instructors (purple) and we'll be happy to help you out. Look forward to seeing you around!
Cheers,
~bubbles
Wow this is pretty scary/awesome. These would also make awesome lyrics. I'm sorry that I don't have a better critique at the moment; I really like your style and I don't know if I'd change anything about this poem.