"So you were locked up for 10 years for almost killing a kid."Katio was getting a strange feeling about where this story was headed to.Seria responded,"Yup,well,technically I was taken to a private facility and there was these weird looking guys in white coats examining me from a destint.Though it wasn't my fault that that kid got on my bad side."
"Seria,what do you mean buy getting on your bad side?"
Seria looked at Katio and noticed he seemed afraid,"Katio it's okay in the facility they also taught me to control my temper.That is where my strength for my powers come from,my emotions used to control it all."Katio felt relieved and asked,"How did you escape that place?I mean it must have been heavily guarded right?"
"Since my power deals with the cold and freezing things, I was working on freezing time."
"Did it work?"
"Only for a few minutes but the sensors still worked so there was fire everywhere."
"Sensors?Fire?Did you get hurt?"
"No, I'm fine I transformed into a small creature and avoided the fire."
"Wait you can turn into a creature?"Katio was wondering so many things, thinking to himself,Seria does have lots of strange things in her life.While Katio starred of into space Seria was transforming to a small creature made up of ice.When Katio looked down he freaked out and crawled to the corner."Seria is that you?"All the creature did was nod its head and then transformed back into Seria."See,that's how I escaped,pretty clever if I do say so myself."Katio realized he had to help Seria he couldn't let those people take her away.Who knows what they would do to her if they find her."Seria,"
"Yes Katio."
"I will protect you no matter what happens I will be by your side.Even though I don't have a special power like you,I will do whatever it takes to protect you."Seria looked at Katio and thanked him and started to cry."Uh Seria I am sorry I didn't mean to make you cry."
"It's not that my hand hurts really bad."Seria lifted her hand to show Katio where it hurt.Katio examined her hand and noticed some blood on her wrist.He thought to maybe it was from the tracking device on her wrist that left her these marks.So he started sucking the blood out and cleaning the wound as if it was a fragile piece of jewelry.Then suddenly the door swung open and a wobbling figure entered the room and yelled out,"Was up little bro!'Katio shacked his head in frustration,"Were you drinking again sis?"
"Maybe just a few drinks..and who is this little cutie?"
"Ahh no one hehe."
"Hmmm are you gonna sleep with her cause if you look at those bonkers I give you a 10."Seria looked down at where Katio sister was pointing at and started blushing."Please don't comment about my breast it's weird."Katio pulled her sister away to her room and prepared some tea."Don't worry about my sister she is just drunk."Seria looked down at the cup of tea and started crying.Katio rushed over and took her hand and asked,"Does your wrist hurt again or is it something else?"Seria wiped her tears and responded,"No, it's not my wrist it's just when i saw your sister i remembered my brother."Katio was in shock and thought, Seria has a brother and it never occurred to me to ask if she was okay even after she esaped.So Katio hugged Seria and said,"We will find your brother,I promise."Seria hugged him back and said,"Thank you Katio."
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140,812 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
How would he know that she had lost her brother just because she said its my brother.
Okay, so remember that the dialogue is there for a reason, to show what the character is like and to keep the story moving. You did that fairly well but some need some work. My opinion of the plot is that it's moving far too fast. The part that makes the book interesting is the suspense and the wondering of what will happen next. You need more cliffhangers and things need to be unpredictable. That's what love triangles are for, that's why in most shoujo manga there is a love triangle or angry ex. Also, even though this is like a manga it needs more description, it may be like a manga but it is still a book. I will read more to see where you take this. Manga's are ever changing.
hey!
umaima here to review
[Quote/Soulnmaka8] "Yup,well,technically I was taken to a private facility and there was these weird looking guys in white coats examining me from a destint. [quote]
I think in this one you meant distance instead of distint because basically distint is not a word.
After a comma and a full stop you should always put a space. there are many places where that error can be seen.
" "Seria,what do you mean buy getting on your bad side?" "
I think here you mean by instead of buy, correct it.
"Seria looked at Katio and noticed he seemed afraid,"Katio it's okay in the facility they also taught me to control my temper.That is where my strength for my powers come from,my emotions used to control it all. "
in the first line instead of using seemed use looked or some other thing. seemed doesn't seem appropriate.
After 'it's okay' you should put a comma.
"my emotions used to control it all." this line is quite confusing. you might want to proof read it once.
"While Katio starred of into space Seria was transforming to a small creature made up of ice"
Correct this, its rather confusing I would say
"When Katio looked down he freaked out and crawled to the corner."
the word 'crawled' dies not fit here at all. I prefer you to use some other word like 'When Katio looked down he freaked out and took a few steps back until he reached the corner' or something else.
There are a lot of grammatical mistakes like this one:
"Katio realized he had to help Seria he couldn't let those people take her away"
you have to put a comma after Seria.
"He thought to maybe it was from the tracking device on her wrist that left her these marks"
It shouldn't be 'He thought to' make it 'he thought that'
There are well seen mistakes in it so I would really prefer you to proofread it.
And yes all these are just recommendations, If you like it take it if not then leave it, your choice.
Best of luck for the next time! And happy review day!
Hi! I'm here to deliver a review!
You need to space more often. The words at the start of a new sentence are too close to the punctuation.
Here is an example of it:
"Sensors?Fire?Did you get hurt?"
Also....
destint
Distance.
"Seria,what do you mean buy getting on your bad side?"
"Seria, what do you mean by getting on your bad side?"
"No, I'm fine I transformed into a small creature and avoided the fire."
Personally, I think it would go better with more punctuation. Like this: "No, I'm fine. I transformed into a small creature and avoided the fire."
While Katio starred of into space
Stared.
There are also times when you need more spacing. With dialogue it makes for an easier read if you start a new line (if that makes sense) with new dialogue.
"Seria is that you?"
"Seria, is that you?"
If somebody in the story is addressing another character then you'd need a comma where you see one. Right after the name.
shacked
Shook.
There are also a few times you forget to dot those "I"s!
Other than that, you're fine.
I found this piece fairly interesting. Just fix up those errors and you're good to go!
Keep writing!
~LP
Okay, so this is an interesting story with miserable grammar! Don't let that put you down, grammar is important in writing, but being able to write well is a LOT more important that good grammar, trust me!
Okay, I do believe that I already reviewed the first part of this story, didn't I?
Okay, so assuming that I did, and I think it's a good assumption, then I'll say from memory that things are going a bit fast. You need two or three long chapters before your characters can get all emo around each other. Because if you start too quickly then your readers don't feel anything. It's just, oh, Katio (Katy-O or Kaysho?) broke his neck! Since the reader doesn't know Katio, they don't really care.
Don't worry, it's not hard to develop characters, it just takes time and words!
Anyway, your grammar! You use a lot of words that shouldn't be use. Destint instead of Distant, that kind of thing.
You also have a way of cramming paragraphs together, I mean, the one person says something, and then, in the same paragraph, another person says something! That doesn't work. Those two things that were said have got to be separated.
But! I'll leave the nit-picking to someone else I think!
Overall, good work. You need practice, granted, but you're on your way.
And welcome to YWS again! Have any questions? Let me know!
Keep writing!
~Black~