" I want my toy back!please give it back!"
"What are you going to do tell your parents, there gone remember."
" I said give it back arrghhhhhh!!"
The child Seria was freezing the kid who took her toy.But was stopped by her grandmother. In the small village she was known as the demon child along with her older brother Natsume,who has the power of darkness.Their parents died in an accident that is unknown to them.They were left in care of their grandmother who hated them.Once the incident with Seria almost freezing another child to death happened.The government stepped in and took her away and isolated her from the world.She was there for 10 years until she escaped.
tap,tap,tap,tap
*panting*
"Hurry and get her,"said one gaurd.Seria was running and running until she ran into someone.
"I'm sorry,"she said as she looked up and realized she was on top of a boy.The boy stared at her and said" It's fine are you okay?"
"I'm fine,"she replied.She heard the voices of the guards so she took his hand and jumped into the bushes.She had her hand over his mouth and told him to stay quiet.The guards stopped and one said "We should head back and get the tracker to find her."They all agreed and left in a black car.Seria sighed in relief and looked at the guy she was holding down and asked"May I please stay with you?"He was already blushing and sweating by the heat of the day and as he was going to respond,Seria stared to fall asleep.He started panicking thinking to himself.What will I do?She's already asleep and I have no idea who she is or who those weird looking men were.Ughhh I guess I'll take her home.He got home and put her on the couch.She still asleep,I wonder what those men wanted with her, but i gotta say she is a real cutie.Hmm I wonder what this bracelet is.As the boy tried to take off the bracelet Seria started to awake.She looked up and asked the boy"What's your name?"
"My name...it's Katio,and yours"
"i am Seria.I apologize for the trouble i have caused you."
"No no you haven't caused me any trouble but what is that bracelet?"
she looked down and said " It's a tracking device.Do you think you can take it off?"
Katio examined the bracelet and took out some tools from a room and started pricking at the bracelet until it fell off.Seria jumped up in excitement and hugged Katio."Thank you so much Katio'
"No probs."Seria got up and opened the door and threw the bracelet surprisingly a very strong throw cause that thing kept going and going."yeahh! I am free now"
"Umm excuse me Seria"
"Yes Katio what is it?"
"Will you tell me who exactly you are and why were being chased around by those goons?"
Seria sighed and said"of course but swear you won't turn me in and promise me you won't tell anyone my secret."Katio thought to himself what secret can this beautiful girl have that has her running away.
End of chapter
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
This story was great I loved it I do have a review to do so I will start that. Just wanted to start on a good note.
Ok so this story was very good the characters were great and i could feel the story flowing in my mind as I read it. I do agree with some of the others. The story line was excellent but keep working on making less grammar mistakes. Some mistakes in your capitalization and punctuation take away from the story and distract the reader.
The plot is clear but not predictable where you know exactly what is going to happen two minutes into the story... I like that. I also like how you developed the characters and the scene. I do wish that you would have developed the situation a little more. What i mean is that i think it would have helped if you had told the reader what happened to her parents and how her grandmother came into care of her. This would help to develop the story a great deal and would also make for a very good introduction.
Overall the feel of the writing and the story itself were great. I loved reading this and i hope that i can read more. I loved the flow and the way it all went together like a puzzle. It all fit every piece of the story led to another piece.
Very nice writing.
Hi Soulmmaka8, I'm Catcha01, here with a review. The storyline is ver good, but I feel like you could add some more details to build on the story itself. Also, there are some mistakes in your capitalization and punctuation. For example,
What will I do?She's already asleep and I have no idea who she is or who those weird looking men were.Ughhh I guess I'll take her home.He got home and put her on the couch.She still asleep,I wonder what those men wanted with her, but i gotta say she is a real cutie.Hmm I wonder what this bracelet is.
Should have quotes around it, though he isn't speaking, it's still a thought.
There are also a lot of lowercase I's, so just watch out for that.
This line didn't make sense to me
He was already blushing and sweating by the heat of the day and as he was going to respond,Seria stared to fall asleep.
I think that if you had another idea or sentence, it would smooth out the transition.
Overall, this was so,etching that I can't wait to read the rest of. Hope I get to read the next part soon.
Catcha01
The grammar needs some work, like the spacing and words and punctuation. The plot is fairly interesting, I just hope that it isn't too predictable. The flow is a little rough, but since this is supposed to be like a manga that would make things a whole lot harder. The word choice needs a little more color to it, I do look forward to see what difficulties Seria must go through.
Hello there Soul! Dogs here with your review today. Ok, pay close attention to Wind's review, because he has a lot of good stuff that you should take heed to. Seeing that Wind has got all the grammar and spelling stuff taken care of, I'm going to focus on giving you some helpful notes on content
. Let's dive in now shall we?
" I said give it back arrghhhhhh!!"
In dialogue, try not to do stuff like: "Agh, haha, rawr, grrrrr," and things along those lines, it make the writing come off as a little sloppy. Try saying something more like: "I said give it back! Seria screeched, growling in frustration." It sounds a little smoother and establishes a sort of narrator that says who speaks when and what not.
Now, when you go into the paragraph about how their parents died and how they came into the care of the Grandma, it's a little too much information that you're throwing at the reader right off the bat. Slow it down, don't even get into how the parents supposedly died. Just perhaps say they disappeared one day, unless they found their bodies and it was a murder of brutal kind (plot twist!). Anywho, try saving that information for later, also if I had lost my parents and a sibling said to me "they're gone remember?" I would have cleaned their clock (Knocked their teeth out). So perhaps make the reaction of the girl who says "aaarrgghh" a little more substantial.
Also, give us more information about Seria almost killing someone, that seems like an important point and deserves to have more than one sentence devoted to it. Finally, the government wouldn't put a child in prison because it's against the law. If they were breaking the law in that regard, make it clear that the government was aware of that aspect.
Just minor things that need fixing here, the grammar and spelling is the most important. If you're having troubles with that I would suggest you copy and paste your writing into word and do a spell check before you post here. It really helps trust me. A great start with good potential in this piece. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
I love this book already very nice work.
.....
Salutations.
Overall, the story has potential. The idea of her escaping from the government and such is interesting. The writing itself, though, needs a lot of corrections.
Here, there shouldn't be a space between the quotation marks and "I". Also, there should be a space between the exclamation point and "please", and "please" should be capitalized.
There should be a comma after "do". Also, I would suggest making the comma after parents a question mark. Also, "there" should be "they're" (a contraction of "they" and "are"), and the period at the end should probably be a question mark.
There should also be no space here between the quotation marks and "I". Also, I don't think you need two exclamation points; one works fine to convey the meaning.
There should be a space between "but" and the period. Also, "But was stopped by her grandmother" isn't a complete sentence. Perhaps combine it with the last sentence and change the period to a comma.
Here, I think this is too much information in one place. I would suggest stretching this out and giving the information out small amounts at a time to create more suspense.
In this paragraph, though, there are a few grammatical mistakes. In the first line, there should be a comma after "child". There should also be a comma after "grandmother" in the third line. Also, I would combine "Once the incident with..." and "the government stepped in..." into one sentence and change the period to a comma. Also, in this paragraph the tense changes a lot. You started out the story in past tense, so it's important to stay consistent with that.
Also, one thing I've noticed so far is that you need more spaces. After a comma or period, there should always be a space. Make sure to proofread for that sort of thing.
I would suggest making these into sentences, such as "She panted". I'm not sure exactly what the tapping is, but if you want to keep it like that, I would suggest "Tap, tap, tap, tap". Panting, though, isn't really correct the way it is.
Here you also need spaces after punctuation..
There should be a comma after "said" and a comma or period after "fine", as well as no space between "It's" and the quotation marks.
There should be a comma here after "said".
Also here, after "asked".
There should be a comma after "panicking", and the period should probably be a comma as well.
That should be "She's still asleep". Also, "I" should be capitalized. Also, there should be a comma after "boy" in the last sentence.
There should be a question mark after "yours".
"I" should always be capitalized.
"She" should be capitalized. Also, there should be a comma after "said" and no space between "It's" and the quotation marks.
There should be a period at the end of this sentence, and the ' should be ".
This is a bit of a run-on sentence. I would suggest something such as "Seria got up and opened the door. She pulled her arm back and threw the bracelet as hard as she could. Surprisingly, it was a long throw, and the bracelet flew until she couldn't see it anymore."
"Yeahh" should be capitalized (and probably only needs one "h"), and there should be an exclamation mark at the end of the sentence.
There should be a period at the end of this.
There should be a comma after "said", and "of" should be capitalized. There should also be a comma after "himself" and the period at the end of the last sentence should probably be a question mark.
All in all, the story has potential, but needs a lot of grammatical corrections. Remember to always put a space after a period or comma, but not after quotation marks. Also, a comma should be put between a dialogue tag and the dialogue. This explains how to correctly punctuate dialogue.
Also, when you write about the characters' thoughts, I would suggest putting them in italics in order to make it easier to distinguish between them and the actual narrative.
Also, your writing style in general here seems a bit repetitive-sounding. A lot of the sentences are structured similarly and are the same length; I would suggest varying that a bit to make the narrative flow better.
Lastly, your pacing here is a bit off. Things happen very fast, and not much is described. I would suggest slowing down and showing more of the character and the world.
Well, that's all. The story is interesting and has potential, but it needs a lot of work. Good luck with the rest of the novel!
Valedictions,
Wherethewindgoes
Okay! So here I am with a review for ya!
Okay, so I'm looking at this and thinking . . . it really isn't that good.
Don't be put down, there are a number of stages a writer goes through, and every great writer was once a beginner!
Remember, a writer only ever got better through practice! You can take courses, read books, get reviews, but at the end of the day, it's really the practice that make's you better.
You have to go and write, if it isn't good enough, then keep writing. One day you'll be able to look back and say,"Wow, I'm actually not that bad now". And you'll be in second stage.
Keep writing! (Really, keep writing).
Wishing you the best of luck & Welcome to YWS.
If you have any questions, message me!
~Black~