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The Unsilenced War: Chapter 3

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Chapter 3

Darkness fills the underground prison as a young teen yangs on the chains that bind her to the cold stone wall behind her. On the other side of the room lie the twins who came to this place four years after herself. Her black fox ears on top of her head twitch as the door closes behind them. But her silver eyes widen in shock when the usual clicking of the door locking never comes. He didn’t lock the door.

A giddy form of excitement bubbles in her chest at this. They can finally free themselves. Walking with unsteady steps to the door, she presses her ear against the thin oak door, waiting for the tell tale sign of the outer door being closed. The usual sound of the door being locked as well is missing. Did he really trust us not to leave? A scoff falls from the girl’s lips as she hurries to the other two who are sleeping, blood soaking the ground where they lie.

“Devalis, Aretha, wake up!” Kaida hisses, shaking their shoulders. They have to get out, there probably won’t be another chance after this.

Devalis stirs, sapphire blue eyes blinking at the sudden noise. “What, Kaida?” He groans, not wanting to move after the amount of bruises that cover his pale tan skin.

“He left the doors unlocked.” Kaida urgently shakes Aretha, irritation entering her voice when she continues to sleep.

Devalis shakes his head, “Just break the chains. We can carry her.”

Nodding, Kaida removes a brick stone from the corner farthest from the door. Pulling out from the hole inside, she holds a rather plain ceremonial dagger with strange runes covering its blade. Holding it tightly in her hands, channeling her magic through it as she brings it down onto the chains pinned on the wall, she hisses, “Chēn: Shatā.”

The loud crash of magic against metal fills the basement as the chains fall to the ground, no longer held to the wall. Freeing the other two, the quickly breaking down the oak door and enter a large room full of the man’s tools. Shuddering, Kaida pulls Aretha onto her back, running with Devalis out of the room, stomach twisting at the sight of their blood that covered the tools inside.

The next room holds two doors. Grimacing, Devalis turns to Kaida who moves towards the door on the right with a certainty in her steps. “Come on, Dev. We need to get out of here before he returns.” Kaida calls softly, hand resting on the doorknob.

“How do you know that’s the way out?” He demands, crossing his arms in a childish manner.

Rolling her pale eyes, Kaida explains, “I can smell the sand. We’re in Barrenaba, the forbidden lands.”

Devalis’s eyes widen as he hurries after her. Pushing the door open, they are greeted with the sight of a large amount of sand. Devalis remains silent as they run, the sunlight nearly blinding them at the start. The heat is much harsher than he remembers, but years of imprisonment in a cold dungeon did have its consequences. He and his twin hadn’t been there for nearly as long as Kaida, who he can see is struggling to keep running, the heat really taking its toll even though they had just began to run a few hours before.

Coming upon a large forest, Kaida huffs for air, “Can we please rest for a second?”

Devalis nods in agreement before they both hide themselves in the shades of a large tree with a sigh of relief. They are free, but they have to get farther away. He can still find them if they didn’t keep running. The sound of a branch breaking has both of the teens standing, eyes flickering across the forest in fear.

But their stances relax slightly when a teen their age comes out from the forest path. His pine green eyes immediately gives him away as the DarkSun heir and Kaida whispers, “Hello, Heir to the DarkSun.”

His pale face brightens into a small smile as he bows to Kaida, “Hello, Lady Mordecai, it is an honor to meet the Priestess of Miko.”

Formalities aside, Kaida asks, “Is there someplace we may stay and rest before the departure for the Academy?”

“Of course, you may stay with Master Xander and I. We can heal your wounds as well.”

Devas pulls Aretha closer, eyeing the other teen warily and demands, “Will he be able to find us?”

Israel stares at him for a few minutes before stating in a cold tone, “If the he you mention is the slave trader I have been hunting down for a year who was rumored to have a Mordecai in his possession, he is dead.”

It is then that Kaida and Devas finally spot the blood splatters on the boy’s silk clothing. His green eyes pierce them as Kaida stands up and walks over to his side. There is no reason to not take his offer, especially since he is the DarkSun heir.

Devas turns eyes focus from Kaida to Israel and back with a slight frown. But finally he kneels down and picks up Aretha and motions with his head for Israel to lead the way to his offered haven.

As they set off, Kaida lets out a small smile. It looks like she isn’t the only one who remembered the small child who was always alone when they had to attend social functions. Israel’s pine green eyes are something she couldn’t forget and it kept her sane during the first four years before the twins came.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Kale
Review
Kale wrote a review · Sun Mar 30, 2014 10:54 pm

Hello there, Soulkana. I, a bold Knight of the Green Room, am here to review you on this fine Review Day. I hope you don't mind.

I should also note that I haven't read any of the previous parts, so if I bring up something already addressed earlier in the story, feel free to disregard it.

With that said, onto the review!

as a young teen yangs on the chains

I was so confused when I read this the first time. "yangs" should be "yanks". This isn't the only misspelling in this chapter, and you have quite a lot for how short this chapter is. I'd recommend proofreading more carefully before posting next time.

Freeing the other two, the quickly breaking down the oak door and enter a large room full of the man’s tools.

This is a sentence fragment.

The one major issue with this chapter was how the escapees instantly recognized and trust Israel, despite being imprisoned for quite some time, especially in Kaida's case. At the end of the chapter, you mention how Kaida recognized his eyes, but that piece of information would make more sense placed right when they meet, to give Kaida a clear reason to trust and recognize Israel, and to vouch for him to Devas.

Right now, Kaida's and Devas' actions read like actions of plot convenience, rather than actions actual people would take because the reasons for their actions aren't really mentioned or hinted at until afterwards, and that's an issue that needs to be fixed.

User avatar
GreenLight24
Review

Hey there soulkana! GreenLight24 here with a review for you on this magnificent March review day! :D Before I get into the meat of this review let me just apologize ahead of time for any typos or mistakes (which I will undoubtedly make) as I'm reviewing works from my iphone today instead of my laptop.

Now then, the review. :)

*clears throat*

So far, I really like the work that you've done here with this chapter. The story is interesting, the characters are dynamic, and the narrative elements are up to par. I haven't read the rest if this novel (I see that this is chapter three) but this definitely made me want to check out the others too. In my opinion, one of the hardest things to do when writing a novel is to keep the audience interested from chapter to chapter. Here, you've presented an exciting chapter with pretty good pacing that would definitely keep your readers engaged and invested in your storyline. Good job keeping it fresh. :)

Now then, the constructive criticisms.

*clears throat* *morgan freeman voice*

Although this chapter was very entertaining and although it definitely keeps the reader involved, it seems that the descriptive elements aren't as strong as the narrative elements are. I guess what I'm suing is that I think you should try to spice up your descriptions of things like the setting, the characters' physical characteristics, and the sensory details associated with the story. Try to make the reader feel like they are right there with your characters every step of the way. One thug that you did that helped to compensate for this a little bit was your use if the omniscient present tense to tell your story. This made the events of the story feel closer to the reader and made your chapter feel like it was happening in this very moment rather than being told as something that happened long ago. I think that I you add some ire to your descriptive storytelling here and provide a more vivd image of the world in which this takes place, you will have no problem bring your readers even closer to the action.

Other than that, this was still an enjoyable read and I liked it a lot. Muy bueno! I hope this review was helpful for you. Happy Review Day and remember, Always Keep Writing!!! :D

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FourTris Review

Pretty good! I didn't notice a lot of grammar mistakes, which is good! I think you left a big cliff hanger. I can't wait to find out more about the twins. I'm not sure if I just missed something out, but in the last paragraph, who exactly was the child you were talking about? I really love this story, and can't wait to read more! Good luck!



If a story is in you, it has to come out.
— William Faulkner