Many millenniums ago, a dark empire, Aeron, purged the once peaceful and light planet of Akaria in order to expand their empire. Forced out to space, several races which remained from the resistance movement were exiled by their fear of dying should they be found. So with the great dragon, Amara, leading the surviving members through the vast space; they began their search for a new home. They travelled for days while their magic kept the stronger ones alive before they finally came upon a giant sea of semi-frozen water and stars that made all them pause to consider the location.
"Amara." The Shadow Faeryan leader glanced over at the great dragon who was eying the large sea with curiosity.
"What is it, Gien?" She growled softly eyes watching the burning sun that gave the sea a warm glow.
The man's wings fluttered briefly before he settled to float beside her. "This would be a good place to make our own." Gien muttered and was responded with various agreements from the rest of the weary outcasts.
Amara didn't give a resonse as she flew above the sea and picked a spot close to the middle and sucked in a deep breath. The others watched in awe as she blew out a giant flame, using her claws to shape the flames. Hours and days passed as she continued to blow and manipulate the pulsing ball of flames until it was so bright it rivaled the sun close by. Leaning down she plunged deep into the sea with the flames.
"Lady Amara!" One of the human exiles attempted to hurry forward only to be halted by a vampire whose crimson eyes watched with interest.
It was a few hours before the dragon resurfaced. Her red wings beating strongly as a large mass of land began to form. Reaching the group, she explained, "I created the core in which the six countries of Estrellan shall form. The process should be complete within a few days."
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Spoiler
I know you're not done, but I thought I'd leave feedback just in case you wanted some anyway
In the first line, you should use millennia or millenniums, because it should be plural. If it were just one, it would be millennium.
And when you say giant sea, do you mean literally or figuratively? I ask because after that you say semi-frozen water :p
Anyway, I love the sci-fi/fantasy concept and I think you've got a great intro here. It would be fairly easy to expand the idea, and I assume you already have considering you just ran out of time to write.
I'd try to give you an idea of where I'd want this to go, but I'd like to actually read yours first, so when you finally finish writing this out, please find me so I can edit this into a real review.
Keep up the good work
Alright, I'm back!
At first I thought this was a prologue, but then I realized there was actually something going on. That's not very good.
You start off giving us very little backstory (Sorry, that little paragraph isn't going to cut it), and that's a no-no considering how unique I believe your story is.
Try adding a little more history to the beginning so we're not completely confused when we start reading the actual story.
Now for nitpicks;
Spoiler
This is written awkwardly. It should be:
The mans wings fluttered briefly before he settled to a float beside her, "This would be a good place to make our own."
This was met with various agreements from the rest of the weary outcasts.
You misspelled response in the third to last paragraph.
That second to last paragraph should be separated, dialogue from action.
And that's pretty much it.
Again, this is quite confusing to read. Everything happens so quickly and that pacing leave the readers asking themselves 'what's going on?'
Try to slow it down and add more detail.
You have a great story otherwise, keep up the good work.
Hi Soul!
So I know you're not finished with this, but I love worlbuilding and legends and creations and so I thought I'd leave my thoughts/suggestions/advice for how you might proceed with this! Unless of course you've already kept writing, but maybe they'll be helpful anyway! xD
H'okay! So this already has my attention. Dark empires? Space? Dragons? Everything awesome about a fantasy world! The name Estrellan is so delicious, too.
Let's start with some questions to push you further into building this universe!
Why did the dark empire (does it have a name?) purge Akaria? Was it rightful, or were the Akarians innocent? The dynamic of these two societies, I feel, will be an important part of setting up their interactions in the future. Political/cultural/societal tension is so much fun, after all! Even if the remaining Akarians go into hiding, they will likely keep tabs on the dark empire's movements? To avoid being found out, or to attempt to get their world back either way!
I didn't understand this second line.
What was the resistance movement? What did it consist of? How did they get exiled? The first line makes it seem that everyone on Akaria was involved in some mass genocide, and the ones who escaped are simply the only ones left. Was there some sort of struggle? What exactly were the terms of this purging?
Amara the dragon. How cool is this, dragons in space? I'm really intrigued, but it also brings up questions as to what exactly this dragon is like. Is Amara a dragon as we think of? A mythical beast? Or is it a rank in some military/religion/etc? If it's a creature, is it how we think of as a dragon? Or some alteration to permit living in space, where there are obviously different physical realities to deal with.
And finally, to the place they stumble upon. Is this a planet of semi-frozen water? Or is there semi-frozen water just hanging out in the universe? Is that possible? How do they expect to live on it if that's the case? If it's a planet, how to they expect to survive in such a place? Are there other resources they can draw upon to live?
If you ever finish this piece, I'd love to come back and pepper you with more questions! xD Worldbuilding is so much fun, and it can be difficult to think of every aspect and avenue to explore on your own. But creating a full and diverse world makes for an excellent story. A lot of that information doesn't sit at the surface, and might not even get used, but it shapes the way the story runs and finds its way in in places you don't even expect.
Good luck! Keep writing! Definitely let me know when you write more.
-Lauren-
Well, your off to a good start! I'll be glad to review when your completely done with this piece.