Chapter One: The Puzzle
'Father, where are you taking me?" I whimpered as he continued to pull me along through the village streets shrouded in the dark. His painful grip on my arm brought tears to my eyes as I stumbled to keep up with his long strides towards a run down hut at the edge of our village.
"Be quiet, girl." He snapped, forcing me to go in front of him as we entered the tiny hut where I spotted one of Father's friends hold a large piece of heavy metal. The two of them began whispering in hushed tones as I glanced around the room with trepidation. This friend of Father's was one of the many I disliked greatly even as a child.
"Father, what's-" I started to question when a harsh slap to my face sent me flying across the small space to land right beside the friend who grinned with a smile that sent chills up my spine. I attempted to scramble away as alarm bells in the back of my mind rang fiercely that whatever was about to happen would be awful.
Before I could even move an inch from my landing, my body was pinned by the friend's crushing foot on my chest. Terrified, my large eyes locked into his and so intent on escaping I couldn't hear the words the man was chanting in an old tongue.
Suddenly, my face felt as if fire was burning across it. With a scream I clawed feebily at the man's shoe as the metal burned itself into my face and blocked my vision and my voice became muffled. Sobbing, I curled up in pain when the man removed his foot and I cried to Father for help only to be ignored.
'Hikaru....Hikaru....' The whispers pulled me from my sleep and with a weary sigh I sat up. They had been plaguing me since I had been a child but for some reason it was a comfort to hear the masculine voice murmuring my name with such longing. It always made me feel as if there was someone out there that wanted my presence and would be waiting for me.
The sun was warm on my skin as I crawled out of the cave I had taken over since I first arrived on the deadly island of Hararim. The mask that still covered my face had grown as I had and because of this my vision had to be filled by something else. As I straightened my clothing in order to make my weekly trip to the Easos Campsite, I felt my magic stretching outwards a good few feet and allowing me to see in my mind what was around me with perfect clarity. This trick had taken me several years to master after arriving on the island when I was merely four summers.
I was forever grateful that I had such powerful magic that it was more easier to access and manipulate in order to still learn. Fingers secured a thin ribbon around my hair to hold it back and I began trekking through the dense forest without so much as stumbling over any of the wayward branches.
"Hikaru!" I could hear Mana's excited yell before my magic picked her and Trian up as it continued to explore as I walked.
Tackled in a full body hug I couldn't help but laugh softly at her in amusement. "It's good to see you, Mana. But what would Trian say if he knew you skipped lessons again." The tease didn't faze her at all.
"He's right behind you!" Mana grinned as she got off of me, allowing me to breath a sigh of relief as my balance was restored.
"Mana! You shouldn't run off like that!" Trian scolded from beside me and I could imagine the disapproving frown that would compliment his tone with ease.
"Aww, but I haven't seen her since the camp settled in!" Mana pouted, arms folded over her chest.
"It has only been one week." He sighed in exasperation.
Chuckling, I turned to Trian and asked quietly, "How has Mother been doing?"
"She is well, Hikaru." Trian reassured, hand rested on my shoulder in comfort.
"Speaking of mothers!" Mana exclaimed in excitement, grasping my hand tightly and dragging both Trian and I off towards the encampment in an eager rush, "Your mother has a gift for you!"
I blinked in confusion. Gift? Mother led the clan and after naming me heir in her will the year before, she had smiled at me but never had she given me a gift before. Something that would help me learn or survive while they were on migration sure but a gift that would hold no meaning besides a thoughtful consideration? Never.
"She does?" I mumbled, but grew quiet as we entered the village. I swayed at the sudden magic that overload my senses and relaxed in Trian's arms as he held me up. Even after years of being surrounded by them my vision would never work if I was inside the camp.
Feeling a firm but delicate hand take mine and lead me the swarms of villagers, I whispered, "Good Morning, Mother."
"Did you sleep well?" She asked, her free hand wrapped around my shoulder in comfort as she already knew that answer. It was the same every time she asked since I had started coming into the village after they migrated back.
"I had the dream again." I admitted with a sigh, twisting a long strand of what I remembered to be ebony hair in my fingers before adding, "I also heard a male voice speaking my name."
"That's to be expected. Your destiny is to be fulfilled soon." Mother calmly reassured as we entered her tent and I found myself sitting down beside her on the warm ground beside the heat lantern.
"You got me a gift?" I inquired with curiousity as she rummaged through the nearby drawers before letting out what sounded as an , "Ah hah!"
"I found it during the migration trip back and it seemed to want to be near you as it tried pulling me in the direction of your home." Mother chuckled as she places a box into my lap.
Interested even more than before, I used my fingers to feel the inside and noticed immediately an almost sharp cold feeling. But after exploring a bit more, I realised it was metal pieces. Puzzle pieces to be exact and I felt a sudden urge to work on it that took my breath from me. Smiling at Mother in thanks, I decided that I would finish this puzzle. So with that in mind, I began to slowly memorize the feeling of the pieces with excitement,
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hey Soulkana!
I thought this sentence was too long to read in one breath, so maybe chop this up a little?
Maybe “four summers old” to avoid confusion?
“Easier” already has the comparative in it, so “more easier” is redundant.
“Overloaded”, I think.
Okay, so this was much better than the first version! I promised to pay special attention to the tenses, and you aced them!
Demeter
x
I'll just run through this and put the corrections in, okie dokie?
"Be quiet, girl." He snapped, forcing me to go in front of him as we entered the tiny hut where I spotted one of Father's friends hold a large piece of heavy metal.
comma after girl. holding, not hold.
With a scream I clawed feebily at the man's shoe as the metal burned itself into my face and blocked my vision and my voice became muffled.
comma after scream
They had been plaguing me since I had been a child but for some reason it was a comfort to hear the masculine voice murmuring my name with such longing.
comma after but
The mask that still covered my face had grown as I had and because of this my vision had to be filled by something else.
this line was very confusing to me. I'd find another way to phrase what you're trying to say.
I could hear Mana's excited yell before my magic picked her and Trian up as it continued to explore as I walked.
this one's also a little unclear
Tackled in a full body hug I couldn't help but laugh softly at her in amusement.
comma after hug
"He's right behind you!" Mana grinned as she got off of me, allowing me to breath a sigh of relief as my balance was restored
breathe not breath
"It has only been one week." He sighed in exasperation.
I'd recommend a comma after week, change He to lowercase he. or you could add emotion by changing it to an exclamation mark.
"She is well, Hikaru." Trian reassured,
comma after Hikaru
Something that would help me learn or survive while they were on migration sure but a gift that would hold no meaning besides a thoughtful consideration? Never.
would look better like
Something that would help me learn or survive while they were on migration, sure! But a gift that would hold no meaning besides a thoughtful consideration? Never.
Even after years of being surrounded by them my vision would never work if I was inside the camp.
comma after them
"Did you sleep well?" She asked, her free hand wrapped around my shoulder in comfort as she already knew that answer.
lowercase she
Alright, I hope this clears a few parts up for you! I really recommend searching for some dialogue punctuation or comma tutorials. Once you learn the basics, you'll remember them for life xD It makes writing much, much easier in the long run.
Let me know if you're having trouble! I'll see if I can find you some links.
Hi,
So,
In terms of description and quality of vocabulary this piece is already very good. You build up tension very well in the beginning, and the dream was a nice way to imply that there's more than meets the eye with regards to your character and their family. I also liked the fact that you jumped right in and started using names that are native to your character and the world they live in, without any explanation. It made it all that bit more vivid.
You should however read back through for grammar and spelling. Little things that are quite probably typing errors add up.
"I flet (felt) my magic", "allowing me to breath" (breathe? but that might be a regional difference?) and a few other little errors like these.
Aside from that, your main character. I feel like there's a lot more you could do with them;
"naming me heir"
So, from that I know that they're a guy. And I know his name, Hikaru. But, I feel like I can tell very little else about him from what you've written. Does he already have an interest in puzzle solving, or does he keep the puzzle in order to not be rude to his mother, who he obviously is in awe of.
Overall: This is a very good piece, with loads of great language and what are clearly going to be very well developed characters and a very well developed setting, however you should read back through it again for grammar and spelling, and also to see if you think you've used this chance to describe your main character quite as much as you clearly can.
Hope that was helpful, feel free to message me with any questions about what's there,
Good luck with writing it,
Annii
*? I missed a question mark somewhere in there ^_^
Rawr! Okay, here it goes.
As as as...
Imagine each sentence is a single thought and break them up. The trouble with 'as' sentences is that they're not very flexible, and there isn't much you can do with them. Let each sentence stand as its own thought rather than trying to fill them with so much action. Right now I would say this is probably the biggest thing dragging the quality of your prose down right now.
Vocabulary
Great use of vocabulary in this, it must be said. You've used a large variation effortlessly. This is something a lot of writers struggle with in scenes with a lot of action because their vocabulary is too small, or because the thesaurus butchery is too obvious. Yours is brilliant.
Time to push you
I would be tempted to urge you to buff it out more. More description and introspection. The unfolding plot and the intrigue is all great, now take it a little further and really bring this world to life. It's kind of like you've got the trees, the branches and the leaves, now you need some background noise and a few bugs.
Overall
This is really good! I would say if you want to bump it up to exceptional you should step it up by bringing in more of those details that make this imaginary world come alive, and it's definately a world that seems interesting to be a part of. I love the ideas you've put into this. Make them shine.
Hey there! Here to review, as requested.
There were several other places with problems as far as grammar and punctuation. Nothing a good proof-reading won't fix.
This is an interesting chapter, but I think you could do so much more with it! You have an unusual main character and what I assume will be an interesting world, but there's not much substance to any of it. There's not much detail to draw the reader in; what does Hikaru smell when she steps outside her cave? What does she taste, hear, feel? Just a few sensory details can make all the difference.
As far as story flow, you have a lot of lengthy, wordy sentences here, particularly the descriptive ones. Vary it up between long and short sentences, and don't be afraid to use commas. Sometimes it helps to go through the story and read it out loud (or in your head, if you prefer). If it sounds off to your ear, then it probably will to your readers, as well.
Story-wise, I think you've got an interesting story. The matter of the mask is intriguing, as are the puzzle pieces. With some polishing of the prose, this could be an excellent story.
Hope this helped; if you have any questions, just PM me or post on my wall.
Keep up the good work!