Chapter One: The Long Awaited Awakening
Faint whispers tug my consciousness from its soulful, deep slumber. Even as I struggle to awaken after so many centuries of sleep, the power tries pulling me back under into its warmth. Shivering, I open my crimson eyes to peer around the room. The first thing I notice were four teens quietly talking, gathered around my bed. Each of them turn to smile in relief as I sit up in confusion. I had been in the prison when I had surrendered to the powerful slumber that had been building over the harsh years of constant abuse. But for some reason as I watch the teens, I feel as if I know them. Looking closer to each of them, I wonder if they are my fellow Chain Guardians. It would explain why I am free and how we are all together. Did we awaken, finally?
"I'm so glad you're awake!" One of the girls smiles encouragingly as she wraps her arms tightly around my neck.
I look away, suddenly nervous. "I'm sorry if I've been a burden to you." I didn't know where this feeling is coming from as tears streak down my face.
I feel someone sit on the bedside and a warm hand touching my bare shoulder. Glancing over, I found sharp topaz blue eyes watching me with an almost stern gaze to them. Flushing slightly, I wince when the boy tightens his grip, saying, "You would never be a bother to us, Zelgai. We were all born to be a family."
So they are the Guards that I have been hoping would save me. Biting my lip, I look away towards the window. The sun streams in with a burning light. In the prison, there was no light, only freezing ice and near pitch darkness. Shutting my eyes against the unfamiliar light, I feel a memory from long ago attempt to enter only to bring a deep chill through my soul, almost as if the soul is no longer there. I open my eyes in a panic. Where are my memories? Why did I not feel anything? There is no warmth that normally spread through me. What happened? My breath turns shallow and my vision dims.
"Miss, he's having a panic!" The other boy shouts, his own voice cracking slightly in worry.
I can feel hands trying to calm my rising fear. But it only makes me flinch back and curl up under the blanket. Why is this happening? All I can remember is Chogan, but even then it's just the faint trace of him in the back of my mind where he has cut away our bond.
"Zelgai." A familiar voice echoes through the room, sending a warm breeze through me. I know the woman and as I relax, I whisper, "Miss Alice, why are you here?"
"It's good you remember me, child." The woman smiles fondly, emerald eyes sparkling when I glance at her more closely. I remember her just barely. She is the one who found Chogan and I as infants when the other townsfolk wouldn't come near us.
"What happened? Why can't I remember anything?" I demand, hands shaking as I fret in worry.
Sitting beside me, she sighs softly. "Zelgai, do you remember why Chogan severed your bonds as twins when you were younger?"
I frown, wincing slightly in pain at the blurred memory. "He didn't want to be associated with the Center Guard." I finally remember with a tear sliding down my cheek.
Again her eyes grow sad as she finally explains, 'Chogan has shattered your soul as well as your memories into black chains with red runes written on them. He hopes this will prevent you from stopping them from severing the chains."
I couldn't respond. Chogan, he truly will never love me. Tears fall to the white blanket as I remain silent. I wouldn't be able to see him smile at me again. I feel a lump in my throat and sob into the shoulder of the woman who raised me with my only hope of having anyone who cared now.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This was an excellent start! It totally got my attention from the first sentence! If this story ever got published Im sure it would be a best seller. I just love the beginning of the story,
"Faint whispers tug my consciousness from its soulful, deep slumber. Even as I struggle to awaken after so many centuries of sleep, the power tries pulling me back under into its warmth. Shivering, I open my crimson eyes to peer around the room. The first thing I notice were four teens quietly talking, gathered around my bed. Each of them turn to smile in relief as I sit up in confusion. I had been in the prison when I had surrendered to the powerful slumber that had been building over the harsh years of constant abuse. But for some reason as I watch the teens, I feel as if I know them. Looking closer to each of them, I wonder if they are my fellow Chain Guardians. It would explain why I am free and how we are all together. Did we awaken, finally?"
This is a really awesome read.
Oooooh this is really good! The opening was captivating and your descriptions are beautiful and swimming with life.
It seems to me that you have a pretty good story going on here. The flashing eyes, the foreign names, the mystery, the magic! How I miss writing fantasy! *sighs*
But as much as I love it, no writer is perfect and there is always room for perfection. One of the first things I wanted to point out is this line:
Your protagonist should almost NEVER see what's coming. To quote author David Schwabauer, "Stories live in the realm of I-didn't-expect-that." If your hero -and thus your audience- already know what's going on, then there is no point in telling the story.
Also, if your hero assumes he already knows who these people are, it lessens your story value in two ways. Firstly, these people no longer interest us because they are no longer a mystery. And second, it takes the suspense out of story because we know they are not a threat. Remember, there is power in the unknown.
Of course we will need to know who these characters are sooner or later, but not right off the bat. Slowly draw it out. Increase the tension. Make us wait in agony. Of course I'm going into this a bit deep for such a small thing in the beginning of the book, and you will only need to use this in a very minor way for this scene, but it's important nevertheless.
Another thing I had problems with was Chogan. (The next thing I'm about to tell you will appear to be a contradiction to what I said before.) Who the heck is Chogan? I'm very confused. You gave us very little to no detail on who he is or how he plays a role in the MC's life. Now, I KNOW I just said to keep things a mystery and not give away too much, but with this it is not the case. How? Firstly, it's hard to play this trick on someone who isn't present. When the person isn't in the room and simply in the narrator’s thoughts, we need some explanation, some description, to make sure this person isn't simply something made up of imagination. If the MC doesn't see him or give us an example in history of how he is real, our brains won't know what to make of him (in other words if we -through the MC- can't see the person physically or mentally, he is a phantom that will confuse our minds).
Secondly, the MC shouldn’t keep secrets from his audience. A great writer brings the reader INTO the book and makes him feel as though he were living the hero’s life. It’s hard to do that when the hero is rambling on about something we don’t understand.
But if you are going to use the mystery trick on someone who isn’t in the room, you need to AT LEAST reveal who he is by the end of the chapter.
Does that make ANY iota of sense whatsoever? Probably not :/
Basically, lengthen the mystery on the chain guardians and lessen the mystery on Chogan. Otherwise it was brilliant
This looks like it's going to be a really interesting story and a good read too. I like how you've started off your story and your use of imagery, and emotions. I think your story has a great potential to it. You've got a nice writing style too! In my opinion, I don't think you need to add any improvements.
I look forward to reading more!
I like it, there's just some tiny mistakes than can be fixed.
"It's gold you remember me, child."
'It's good you remember me, child.'
'she finally explains, 'Chogan has shattered your'
'she finally explains, "Chogan has shattered your'
I like how you stared it off, though, how he's all scared and stuff.