Chapter one
Tree limbs rustle in the wind, distracting my attention from the triplet of moons hanging in the sky. Upon the frozen ground their illuminate beams cast eery shadows as I reach up to tuck a loose lock of hair behind my ear and out of my eyes. I allow my eyes to linger for a last gaze upon the perfect image of the moons. The branch I sit perched upon wobbled unsteadily as the wind begins to pick up. I conclude it would be wise to go inside and hop off the limb with a regretful sigh.
Crunch. Crunch.
The sound of ice and snow giving in under my weight echoes through the silent night. Legs almost buckling I stagger forward a few steps to gain balance. Iron hot pain rips through my back as warm blood drips down to the white blanketed earth. Glancing around me as I begin a slow advancement towards the front door, I couldn’t shake the oppressive sensation clutching at my heart.
The door is just a few feet in front of me. I stand back for a few minutes to drink in the satisfaction racing through my veins. Soon,’ I thought. ‘Soon my vengeance shall be fulfilled.’ Eyes glisten in the moons’ glow as I walk slowly to the door. Each step in sync with the rapid beating of my heart.
I take in the front door with a slight frown. Never before had my visions been so clear. So real. Shivers race up my spine as the biting wind chills my already frozen flesh. Swallowing back my unease I reach for the doorknob. Cold iron sears my fingers as my talent brings me back into its spell.
The sound of a child’s laughter floats through the hallway and I conclude that it was that of a boy. However, the faint breathing of another freezes me in midst of the hallway. ‘There is another? Who could it be? The parents left the child alone...’ My thoughts race through me. I peek around the edge of the doorway clamping down my rising panic.
The child laughing was indeed a boy but my eyes lock onto the girl in the room. A newborn tucked in her arm, she spins around in a dance. Whispers of an old song fall from her mouth as the baby drifts into sleep. My eyes widen. The girl for just a moment turns into my darling Melissa. Yet she’s not.’ I firmly scold my mind as the girl sets the baby within the crib.
She limps over to the fireplace. Eyes scrutinizing her movements I notice bruises decorating her legs. As she prods the red ashes to rekindle the flames I could see faint handprints on her thighs. The kimono, I note, was in desperate need of changing. It’s ragged cloth hardly covers her legs. It halts just a few inches below her waist and with a frown I watch her sibling’s interaction.
“Go make me something to eat.” The boy sneers as she uses her sleeve to wipe off the mantel of the fireplace. She must’ve seen something I rationalize but from where I stand there wasn’t anything to be cleaned.
A scowl darkens her face as she turns to face the boy. “No. You’re old enough to make your own food. You’re freaking six, Damien.”
“But you’re the Fyrak, not me.” Damien snarls. The offending word he just used catches me off guard.
“Just because he considers me a slave doesn’t mean I’m going to submit.”
“Fine, I’ll tell Grandpa myself.” The boy leaves the room without looking back.
Not caring she had probably just gotten herself into deep trouble, the girl wanders over to the bookshelf. Fingers running along the spine almost lovingly she reaches up to grasp a book a shelf too high. I step forward to help when I catch sight of blood trailing down her legs and the obvious pain in her eyes. Yet the tiny flare of magic spiking from her halts me in my tracks as I watch, awed, the book lands in her hands. The welcoming scent of mint and freshly melted snow wafts through the air as she turns to face her sister.
Summoning my own magic I ask her, “Do you want a way out of this hell, girl?” My eyes trail her movements as she gently strokes the baby’s face, eyes glittering with love.
“Why would I seek the help of a stranger?” She coldly asks while pushing the blanket securely around the infant as I turn away. Heart heavy with grief over her reasonable rejection.
“I don’t want to stay with them!” Damien’s voice breaks the vision I had been listening to. A slight frown adorns my face as I ponder on how I arrived at the dining room entrance. Stepping forward to get a better look, I watch my parents and brother with a veiled distaste.
Mother kneels beside him as she rearranges his clothes. Sweeping a hand through his red hair she croons, “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure those girls don’t come near you. Just stay in here for mom, okay?” Her eyes narrow at me as if saying to leave.‘Just a few more feet. Come on, you can rest then!’ Legs shake as I lean to the side. My shoulder supported by the wall I glance at my ancestor’s painting just a little ways before me. Behind said portrait lay my room, the only escape from those family members downstairs.
“Hello, Nastusia.” Raven smiles at me as I finally stop in front of her portrait.
“May I enter please, madam?” I plead, glancing behind me as their faint laughter reaches my ears for a second time.
“No need to be so formal, child. If you’re looking for a place to rest then you’re always welcome here.” Raven states as she moves the portrait backwards.
Entering the room without fear I thank the elderly woman as she closes the passageway behind me. I smile while looking around the room. Nothing had been disturbed in my week’s absence.
My eyes search the room for the box. Flicking on the lights in order to see the far side of the room I spot it just on top of the window seat. Making my way carefully around the tall stacks of books I press my hand tightly against the throbbing shoulder. Reaching out to grasp one of the strips of cloth my hand stains the fabric red as I wrap the various cuts with my dwindling stash torn clothes. Tying the last cloth around my ankle I take time to admire the still glowing moons despite the mid-morning time. Wounds now bound I turn back to face the room.
The ancient circle etched in the center of the room begins to glow faintly. The feather stuffed bed in the far corner begins to appear more inviting as I stumble painfully over towards it. Another vision snatches hold of me just a mere two steps away from the tempting mattress.
Pain grips my body as I scream. My strength leaves me with each toss of the blades. I huddle in a corner as far from him and his special blades. The ones he reserves just for me. Another blade embeds itself into my shoulder yet I push myself to my feet. Staggering, I look into the darkness where he would be. When I displeased him he would always stay in one spot. Instinctively I knew fighting back is futile but nothing could curb my defiance as I sneer at him, “Soon I will be free from you, grandfather.”
“And how long will that be, girl? You’re already eighteen.” He walks into the dimly lit dungeon chamber room and my body shrinks away at sight of his smoldering eyes.
I step back as his hand reaches out to touch my face. My boldness causes the black eyes to harden. Cold hands grasp hold of my wrists with bruising strengths, hindering any attempt to claw free. Arranging his hold so his left grips both of my skinny wrists in one he presses his body against mine, forcing my back into the wall behind me. “There is no escape for you.” The whisper in my ear echoes in my mind as his free hand teases the folds of my now threadbare kimono.
Pulling free from the vision I stare down at the bed with an unreadable expression. ‘Why did it show something that’s already happened?’ I wonder as I take a seat on the bed’s edge.
‘Maybe it has to do with the other one?’ I hear Ciarán murmur as I pick at the loose threads of the quilt.
‘Perhaps.’ I close my eyes and drift asleep with the decision to figure it out later.~-~-
I eye the house with a hint of anticipation. They would not get away with their crime. The gate creaks loudly as I open it. Freezing, I take a suspicious glance around me before easing my way to the back door. All I had to do now is wait. I smirk as the mother assures her son that they would be back and frown slightly when she speaks of them. ‘Other children?’ I wonder but then again they never told the nobles of any other children except for their precious Damien. Still doubting I reflect back on the last noble gathering the two attending in hopes of catching anything off.
“Hello, Lady Redmoon. How are you fairing?” I question the petite woman before me with a courteous smile. Inside, though, my heart burns with loathing as she turns to face me with the same eyes as my daughter. Such cruel irony I muse as her voice breaks my thoughts.
“I am doing well, Lord Darkcasta. It is marvelous to see you have awakened.”
“It appears the nobles have become more..arrogant since I took such a short rest.” My words cause her to flinch while I revel in feeling her discomfort. It was only right. My eyes darken as she fakes sympathy at my grief.‘Another sibling?” I mumble under my breath as I follow behind the child who stops just in front of the portrait. As the child creeps inside I smile lightly at my descendant who remains open long enough for me to slip in whispering softly, “Do not startle them.”
I enter the room and my eyes taken in the obsessively clean room with a slight grimace. Whoever took care of this room surely did not like dirt. I conclude before spotting the small girl staring at the bed in the center as if torn between leaving the occupant alone or to wake her. I focus my attention on the girl and for the first time since arriving forgets the reason I came. Instead fury sweeps through me at sight of the ridiculously thin girl resting upon the mattress. ‘That can’t possibly be a bed!’ I reject the possibility as the girl stirs.~-~-
With each line I grew closer to the circle. Closer to the power it burns me with. Just as my foot touches the outer rim of runes a voice behind me speaks up, startling both of us, “Powerful girl you are, Madam Darkcasta.”
~-~-
Unable to resist it any longer I decide to make my presence known to the Kiyoraka child standing amidst the protection rune.She turns to face me with a mixture of fear and recognition. Slightly confused on why recognition would be on her face but as she moves to shield her sister I could feel my eyes widening. Why would she protect her sister when she is the one? I ponder as she snarls at me.She looks up with confusion that mirrors my own inner shock. Why had I asked that? I came here for revenge not give help to a child! But I knew even as she nods that she was no ordinary child. No, the power lurking in her meant only one thing.
“Why would you a complete stranger be willing to help a girl whose parents you are so keen on getting revenge with?”
Amusement plays in my eyes. Of course she would want to know my reasons. “It would be amusing to see what they lost when they realize twenty years from now the mistake they can never fix? Why kill that stupid child when you having a happy life will rip them deeper?” I question.
She smiles darkly at the thought. Eyes glowing with anticipation she breathes, “And is that the only reason?”
“Such a marvelous child.’ I compliment her in silent approval. “No child should be abused.” I shortly points out, eyes taking in her wounds and the obvious tension in the air around her.
I watch amethyst eyes lower to the floor and moves on. “It’s rare for a child to be born to Ancients. Many parents give birth several children and those that do not have the ability to pass the line are killed. But for children such as the two of you or any child to be hurt because of such a foolish reason is ruthless. You are special child. Many families out there would be happy to have a child. That includes me.” I truthfully finish, watching her reaction.
“What will happen if I choose to accept?” Her eyes scan my body as I move in closer. I enter the circle and she takes a step back, eyes narrowing with distrust.I stiffen as she tentatively steps closer, wrapping her arms around my waist. Taken aback by the sudden gesture I set my hands on her shoulders just as her muffled thank you interrupts my thoughts. Taking a step back I begin to speak when the door downstairs opens and Lady Redmoon’s voice breaks through the strained silence.
~-~-
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I will admit at first I was confused to what was going on. It took me a while to get that there was two different perspectives, then man's point of view, and the girl's point of view. I really started to get drawn in to the story when the man and the girl meet and start in in their conversation. My heart dropped when I read the girl's sister call her mother. So sad that the younger sister sees her older sister as her mother instead of her own mother. However, with the way they are treated I can understand why. I can tell this is going to be a dark story. I love it, sorry I don't have any suggestions, I was more involved with what was going on in the story.
Intense beginning! I like it.
Small nitpick:
Legs almost buckling I stagger forward a few steps to gain balance.
Swallowing back my unease I reach for the doorknob.
For lines such as these, you should technically have a comma breaking them in two. (Legs almost buckling, I stagger forward a few steps to gain balance.) Something to keep in mind when editing!
Now, the next small section confused me a little. I had assumed the main character was having some sort of vision, but now it seems they are talking with the people and walking around. So I'm not sure what it is. Also, I'm wondering why the girl was injured and bleeding and the main character didn't help her. She kinda refused him, but when someone is so obviously bleeding and hurt, it seems strange not to insist.
It's difficult to tell whether the next vision is from the main character's memory, or from the girl's. It seems like it should've been the girl's, but then why did the main character say it already happened? How would he know if it wouldn't happen again in the future? Does he have the ability to predict the future?
To me, you have a great story started, but it needs some more planning. I get the feeling of some great characters and drama but there are still too many HOWs and WHYs to connect everything together at this point.
I'm still a little confused at the beginning, how the main character happened to magically go from sitting in a tree to inside some noble's house. Also, it seems like he hates these guys, and they hate him, so why are they even letting him run around their house and in their children's rooms? Don't they have security? x)
Also, what kind of revenge is your character even talking about? To me, it would either be something like murdering the parents or kidnapping the kids or something, but he doesn't seem to have any plans to do either. He's just going around telling the kids "I seek revenge on your parents", but if the parents are right there in the house, why doesn't he go find them, then?
Those are a few main confusions. Make sure you explain to us what is happening and why. After you've established that, you can get on with the characters and the storyline.
You asked me about the POV, but to me that's really not the trouble. The trouble is that you shift scenes to often to keep track, but at least you tell it from the same character's view each time.
I think Jabber did a great job with reviewing too! If you have any more questions, let me know!
Hey, Soul! Sorry this is late. That night, things just carried me away. Then I decided I could wait 'til Review Day to crank this review out. So here I am!
I'm going to start with some nitpicks. However, this does not include a grammar-check. When you go through deeper editing, I would be happy to do that for you. There are some disjointed sentences and awkward moments that need tweaking.
I'm just curious: A girl's dancing with a baby that's trying to fall asleep? Two things came to mind. xD 1) The baby's not just a baby: It's a newborn. Is this safe? And 2) can the baby sleep when the girl's dancing with it?
I like how you smoothly explain what a Fyrak is!
At this point, I'm wondering why the girl doesn't, like, freak out? A stranger is in her home. And she's a kid. Holding another kid. I think the girl's taking this way too easily. xD Even the bravest person would at least be startled or (if it's a powerful mage, which I doubt) sense the MC's presence. Considering this kid's possible age, they'll most likely be kind of freaked out.
She's not the staircase now, and I'm confused as to what exactly is happening. It probably makes better sense than what I'm making, but because the sentences are so long and... well, a bit purple, I'm having a hard time staying focused and comprehending it all. The plot doesn't seem to be connecting this from action to action, so I'm not sure what the situation is right now.
lol, you like a certain sentence structure. If A is a conditional phrase, and B is the actual sentence, the structure is: A, B. For example, "If I tie my shoe laces, I won't trip," or "As I look around the room, I scratch my head." The structure gets really boring after being used so much! Try to spice up the sentence structures.
PoV change. I didn't know it was a PoV change? You mentioned you were concerned about it, so that's my observation! XD Since it's all in first person, the PoV change is nearly undetectable. I would definitely suggest third person or staying with one PoV or at the very least identifying who is speaking. For instance, there are books out there with PoV changes in first person. But one to two chapters are dedicated to one character, and that character's name is at the top of the chapter. Then the next one to two chapters, the second character's name is at the top of the chapter to identify that it's them. So try to make it much clearer, and I wouldn't suggest putting the changes so frequently yet. Since it's the first chapter, you want to ease the reader into the story as much as possible. Make it easier to comprehend before you relax to much!
Okey-dokey!
Overall, the chapter reads very confusingly (lol confusingly? wut, Jabs?) I mentioned my opinions on the PoV switch, but I think that's a huge part in why this hurts my brain as a reader. Basically, I don't know what's going on. While there is something going on (I do acknowledge this!), I lose interest a lot because I don't know where we are or what is being talked about. Why are they talking about these things? What exactly is the problem?
Also, the characters all feel very cardboard. I can tell you try to give them some life through dialogue and actions, but they don't set themselves apart from the rest. A couple reasons play into that, though. 1) Lots of first person confuses me, lol. 2) Names aren't being used often enough. I suppose there's a third reason as well: They all don't have any individual traits that makes them unique. And I don't have any sympathy for any character. Shouldn't the reader be able to relate to the characters?
This definitely needs some work, but I think it's on its way. I have to go eat dinner now, so sorry I can't be of any further help!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!