Published August 1, 2011
Prologue
My fingers trace the elegant writing on the cover of Poisons and Antidotes: The Expert Guide. The knowledge that this book held will be forthcoming for my duty. As I scour the vast collection my gramma allows me to use I cock my head to the side. I need to make sure Adero was still alright. This is instinct by now.
Thunk. Thunk.
The sound of the ball hitting the cement driveway tells me she is playing basketball. A light smile graces my face as I turn to my gramma, who is watering flowers by the door.
"Gramma? Do you have a book on plants?" I ask in a light, unsuspecting tone.
"What type of plants, darling?" Gramma inquires when she lifts her head to see me cross the tiny library to the window.
I don't answer yet and instead peer out the window. Seeing Adero shoot a three pointer I feel my heart lift in pride. I relax my tense frame as I took notice that no strangers are looking at her.
Now, I answer her question, "Like a survival guide."
She frowns. I can easily tell what is running through her head. What on earth would I need that for. I simply smile sweetly and explain, "Just to be prepared. Sides there is no such thing as too much knowledge."
She nods, but is still unsure. I stifle a sigh of frustration. Closing my notebook I walk to towards the small door leading to the backyard. As my hand clutches the cold metal knob she says suddenly and mysteriously, "What do you want to be when you grow up, Nastusia?"
I pause in my turn of the knob. I shift to face her. Schooling my face into a mask of vague determination. Eyes burning with dedication I reply swiftly, unhesitating, "My future is protecting Adero and making sure she's happy."
Her light eyes fog with concern. "But what do you want from life?"
My mask darkens as I growl in agitation, "I will be whatever it takes to keep Adero safe. I do not care if I'm left by myself. So long as she's safe and happy that's enough for me. That is my duty."
I open the door and slam it behind me. Her soft voice rings in my head as her whisper repeats over and over. "But will you be happy, my child?"
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138,507 Literary Works • 672,145 Reviews
Hiya! Here as requested.
First, got to refute something Stori said.
That's a complete sentence, not a fragment. Even if it were a fragment, there'd be nothing wrong with it. Fragments are perfectly legitimate.
Dugas pointed out the grammar errors and typos. The shifting tense issue you should definitely work on, as that's less forgivable than a typo or missing comma. Grammar and punctuation isn't as important as the story, but it is important, so don't forget to proofread, no matter how eager you are to post. You'll get more reviews that way.
Speaking of the more-important story... methinks this has a lot of potential. I like how (she?) isn't the important one, it's Adero, and that she's willing to sacrifice everything to make sure Adero is all right. But what makes that cool is that you have the potential of depth to go with it. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it seems like the narrator is lying to herself, and that she does care about her own life and her own happiness, but can't let herself admit it. And that, my friend, is the beginning of a three-dimensional character.
Even better, it can make for a very interesting and powerful relationship between her and Adero, from what's keeping her to her, to what Adero feels toward her in return.
As for the plot... well, I don't know why Adero has to be protected and sheltered yet, but I'm curious as to why. Would I turn the page? Probably.
Let me know if you have any questions or want to brainstorm
Rach
How old is the main character? Is he a boy or is she a girl?
That is what you call a sentence fragment. It has a subject, but no action.
Books are underline/in italics. Short stories are in quotation marks.
"Very" is unnecessary, and you changed tenses in the middle of the sentence. It should be "holds will" or "held would".
Onomatopoeia are italicized.
You keep switching tenses. Is this present or past? Pick one and be careful with your words, like "don't (didn't), felt (feel), relax (relaxed), take (took)," and "is (are)".
There's no need to say you're at ease, you described relaxing in the previous sentence. You being more at ease is assumed.
Either say "my notebook" or "my notes", not both.
Besides some grammar and tense issues, this is nicely done