Published March 29, 2014
Chapter One
Not even the quick actions of the servants were quick enough to catch me as I sink to my knees in fear. How could they? My mind felt as if it was being torn in two. A large part of my mind still cried in joy that this was happening, while the other had me almost fleeing the room in fear and anger. They were letting him go. After ten years, he was coming back here.
I stared at Father in horror. I still couldn't believe what he had just told me. Clenching my fists, I snapped, "What do you mean he has been let free?!"
Father's eyes darkened with annoyance. "Aryiana, do not take such a tone with me. Jellal has done his time in prison and has served it even with his memories wiped clean. They have released him into my custody and will be arriving tomorrow morning."
"How could you allow him to come back? You know what he did!" I shouted, jerking away when Father reached to take my hand. "I will never forgive him for what he did!" With those parting words, I fled the room in tears. But the image of Father's concern, but also regret haunts me as I ran through the halls to the back door.
I quickly exit the manor and run into the orchid. But as I neared the center, I stopped to spot a tree with a faded heart carved into its trunk. I traced the mark with my fingers, unable to stop myself from remembering, the boy who lived down by the river who I had been so close to, Jellal. The child two years younger than myself who had looked up to me as if there was no one else in this world. I always knew I had his complete trust. It always broke my heart when I remember back to the first day I met him. The fear in his eyes when I had found him.
"Aryia, why did you bring me here? Does your Father know you have been hiding me in the orchid?" A boy with violet hair and eyes ask as I tugged on his sleeve, pulling him deeper into the orchid.
"I am sure he will not mind, Jellal. After all, he is always telling me to be kind to others." I answered with a warm smile when Jellal flushed, glancing guiltily at the ragged clothing he had been wearing since I met him almost two months before.
"So he told you?" I turned to find Mother watching me, her eyes sad. 'When had she come? I did not hear her.'
"Why? I can never forget what he's done!" I angrily glared at her as she sighs.
"His memory is a complete blank, Aryiana. The healers believe that he had been controlled by dark magic. From what I have heard, they believe that being near the place he spent a long time in will jog any memories and hopefully tell if he truly knew what he was doing that day."
I cringed. For the past ten years, I had hoped that what had happened wasn't his fault. The Jellal I knew back then would never have done what he had, but they had taken him away before I could decide on my own feelings, leaving a pain that turned to hatred.
I could feel the memory pull itself to the front of my mind. The day that Jellal had suddenly changed. I could still feel the pain where the blade had nearly pierced my heart and the high pitched, cold laugh that escaped my friend's lips that day. Tears filled my eyes. That was not Jellal, it could never be. He was too kind, too sweet to do such a thing.
Mother places a warm hand on my shoulder, "I know it will take time, but please remember, child, he is now turning seventeen and is frightened. I spoke with him as well about this arrangement. You are not the only one who is afraid. I do believe he will lock himself away inside the room I have prepared for him unless someone drags him away."
I could not help the laugh that escaped. It was a habit he had formed long before he met me. I bit my lip and sighed heavily. Glancing up at the night sky, I whispered, "Maybe having him around will not be so bad. But what if he starts to remember? What if he really did do it?"
Mother winced. "I do not know but if he really did what happened then they will have him executed, Aryiana."
I froze, 'They would kill him?' The image of the warm, bright smile Jellal had given when he first met me flashes in my mind. Even after the attack, I could not forget the kind boy who looked up at me as if I was the only reason he breathed on that day. Deep inside my heart I could feel myself praying to the heavens that Jellal was innocent.Points:
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
Hi! Grey here to review!
First off, I just want to say that this is excellent. From the very beginning, it is intriguing - it really draws the reader in. I definitely want to see where this is going.
I only have one nit-pick for you. (Sorry if someone else already mentioned it, I haven't read the other reviews. "But the image of Father's concern, but also regret haunts me as I ran through the halls to the back door." This sentence, to me, is worded awkwardly. I might change it to "But the image of Father's concern, regret, haunts me as I ran through the halls to the back door." The other thing about the sentence is it is unclear to whom the regret is referring. Is it Father or Aryiana?
Your characterization has been beautifully done so far. You've created such distinct characters. Even with just one chapter, the characters are so clearly painted and their interactions are perfect.
The only thing I might consider adding is description. I would definitely add this at some point, but whether it comes in this chapter or another I don't think matters much. The description would add background about the story, setting, and characters, so I would add it relatively soon in the story.
I can't wait to read more of this!
--Grey
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
I am very intrigued by this story. I like how you don't reveal too much here in the first chapter. It makes me really want to read more and figure out exactly what happens next. That's always a good way to draw your readers in. Tease them with some information and then force them to come back and read more! Man, us writers are sure devious...
One thing I noticed while reading this is that there isn't much description here. I don't really know what the characters look like or where they are. I know that they're in a manor and Aryiana ran out into an orchid after hearing the news. Other than that, there isn't much else I can go off of here. It seems that you have focused so much on the information that you've overlooked a few key places to put imagery. It's not the end of the world though. This chapter actually works well without imagery. What I mean by that is if you don't go back and put imagery into here, it's not that big of a deal. You can always catch up the readers at the beginning of the second chapter.
Your characterization is awesome so far. It's easier to really get into a character's mind when you're writing in first person; obviously because the readers get to see inside a character's mind from 1st person POV. Duh, Noelle, duh! But you seemed to go above and beyond here. Aryiana is a complicated character here as well. It's obvious that she feels betrayed by Jellal and seems to hate his guts, but then by the end she's hoping that he's innocent. I'm very interested in learning more about their relationship to/with each other in later chapters.
One little grammatical thing I have to point out is that you switch between past and present tense quite a bit throughout this chapter. I'm not going to go through and quote all the places you did that because, frankly, I think that gets annoying. I know that if you reread this chapter and pay attention closely, you can find your own mistakes.
Overall I really enjoyed this chapter. It's a great start to what I know will be an equally as great novel.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hello Soulkana, Cheetah here to review your chapter!
You have an interesting plot going on here, and I think you've developed it very well in this chapter.
It might just be me, but I find it a good idea to start off with the actions of an important character, rather than background characters like the servants. If you choose to, you could switch the sentence format around to get, 'I sink to my knees in fear. Not even the actions of the servants were quick enough to catch me.'
I understand that he has conflicting emotions here, but after this he goes on to yell at his father. In all, he seems very angry and it would be a good idea not to say his mind cried with joy. Later, when he goes to the tree and remembers his past, that would be a good time to say he's glad
Jellal will be let free.
The repetition here sounds a little awkward. Consider rephrasing it.
A lot of confusion going on here. Why are there apostrophes before 'When' and after 'her'?
I really like how you phrased this, well done.
There's some trouble with tenses in this. From past to present, past to present. Try going over it again with a set tense in your mind and correcting any mistakes.
This story has a lot of potential! Just clean it up a bit and it'll be great. Good job and keep writing!
Hey there KissMe is here to give this amazing chapter a review!
Let's jump/crawl/fly/ or even teleport in it!
First off great first chapter it was great. Few things I would like to say though. Well it's only one, add more detail to the story. It seems kind of plain. Add some great detail to it and it will come to life! I would also like to say that your names for the characters are amazing and unique! I did like the little flash back thing there, it was nice. Te while story line so far was great and I hope to read more of this! Please make another chapters to this great story! Thank your for the great read!
Keep writing and follow your heart!
~KissMe
Hi soul it's your amazingly awesome, super cool, really-good-at-reviewing, epic . . . .well you get the idea. I'm here to review for you.
Well I didn't get very far before spotting a problem, and small as it is it stopped me in my tracks. You sue the word "quick" twice in one sentence. Obviously you just need to switch of those to a synonym and all should be well.
Then I realized that you switch tenses here from past to present. May just be a slip up but it needs fixing.
Oooooh so this caught me interest matey!
So you use an exclamation point and a question mark together. I personally don't enjoy reading that, and I think it looks unprofessional so it is your decision.
Add the bold word.
You have the word "but" twice in this sentence,and you need to change "haunts" to haunted.
The first comma is unnecessary and the second should be a period or a : or a ;I'm not sure which one would fit the best but the comma surely doesn't.
I feel that you could make this a lot more personal and emotional. This is first-person so get into your character's brain a little more.
This sentence made me laugh because I'm not sure what you mean. Does the boy have both violet hair and violet eyes? If so the sentence is fine except "ask" needs to be asked.
"sigh" should be sighed.
What in the world? I thought he served him time so why would he now be executed? Maybe you should re-think about it and try to figure something out.
So I finished reading. First off let me say that this story seems like it could get really interesting. The awkwardness of knowing what happened but Jellal not knowing what happened will be quite interesting see play out.
Also I liked how you put the flashback in italics,because it helped to stand out from the present situation.Nice touch. Besides the nitpicks I pointed out I really didn't see any other faults. Hopefully you can expound on the characters in chapter two and maybe we'll see Jellal!
Overall an intriguing bit of work that,with some polish, could be really good!
~Messenger!
This has an interesting start.
Just a little tense thing before we start. You have most of the chapter in the past tense, but in a few paragraphs it switches into the present. This could get you into trouble, especially later on when that sort of thing matters more. You'll want to choose now and stick to it.
Your description of her thoughts is extensive, but we don't see much of the scenery or people. When you say that she sinks down to her knees, what does she sink on? Is it a stone floor? A carpet? And do her flowing locks cover her gorgeous eyes? It's easier to read a story when we know what things look like.
In your reminiscing you talk about a place called "the orchid." If this is the place's name, you'll want to capitalize it.
Since you're talking from the character's perspective you don't need quotes around Aryiana's thoughts. You use them when the mother first enters, but other than that, you are quite consistent.
When the mother says that he will likely not leave the room and Ariyana laughs, you say that "it" is a habit. Which? The laugh or the reclusiveness? Pronouns are useful, but so is clarification.
Style-wise you are pretty solid. You tend to start your sentences all the same way, though, either with "I" or a noun. Just to spice it up, you may want to vary that, putting the action first. An example is: "I quickly exit the manor and run into the orchid." That could be changed to "Quickly exiting the manor, I run to The Orchid." Some sentences would have to change drastically, but it makes the story more fun to read.
Sometimes you use words that aren't quite necessary. They are technically correct, but mess up the flow of the sentence. In "he is now turning seventeen and is frightened," you could take out the second is. To help with this you should read the work out loud. It's not the most important thing, but it helps keep the dead words out of the story.
This seems like it can be a very interesting story, keep up the good work!