Deleted for Family, again

by Soulkana
  • May 16, 2011
  • Poetry
  • Other
  • Alexis Collection
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Sorry<3

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
Yanni1995
Review
Yanni1995 wrote a review · Thu May 19, 2011 5:35 pm

Yo Soulkana! This is an absolutely wonderful poem. It's so beautiful although I feel that sometimes you used to many commas in the stanza, but that is just an opinion.

Newly fallen snow
was a cold relief.
Its chilling embrace
held me prisoner. - fantastic beginner!

Willing, yet not.
Hopeful yet afraid.
#BF00BF ">My amber eyes
gleamed with fire. - This is my favorite line throughout the poem.

You are standing,
just a few feet away.
You smile warmly,
thawing the ice,
#FF0000 ">off of my tattered heart.

The rough wind
swirls the blossoms.
Their snowy petals
touch my skin.

The ice seeps back,
freezing my limbs.
Your smile withers
as the blossoms drift.

I'm sucked deep#FF0000 ">, - I don't think you need a comma here, it sort of breaks the pulling illusion fo the words "deep into".
into the icy depths.
No longer seeing you.
No longer feeling you,
the warmth of your hands,
touching my frozen arms.

There is no point,
dearest sister.
Give up, I'm gone.
You can't save me.
You can't save us.
I'm a memory now.

You whisper I'm not,
But I am.
Open your eyes,
I can't be held onto.
I'm a memory now.

Just like the blossoms,
They curl around you now,
Drawing you in#FF0000 ">, - again I don't think you need the comma here. Try reading it aloud to see where you need the pause and such.
with their alluring beauty.
You say you want me,
that you will do anything.

You must resist them,
they will end you.
Please don't fall
into their illusion.
If you do then it is gone.

That peace we shared
shall be shattered.
I will not forgive you,
for giving up, sister.

So don't lose yourself,
in the illusions
of the snow blossoms
As they touch your hands,
seeping coldness back in.


As I said, this is a very beautiful poem. I loved the way you wrote it! Keep it up and happy writing! :)

User avatar
Redfang18
Comment
Redfang18 commented · Wed May 18, 2011 5:06 pm

Oh chica, it's gorgeous. Such emotion, such power. It almost squeezed the tears out of me. Such thing you can do with poetry. You've done it again. You made me an empath.

User avatar
Soulkana
Comment
Soulkana commented · Tue May 17, 2011 1:27 pm

Eeh she loved commas....didn't change it since I'm not good with commas man. So I'll fix it and if you want help with the explaining I can send you a PM.....just not now XD

User avatar
Caerulean
Review
Caerulean wrote a review · Tue May 17, 2011 1:06 pm

Hello there, Soulkana! :D This poem is yours, right? Not your sister's?

Nitpicks:

Newly fallen snow,
was a cold relief.
Its chilling embrace,
held me prisoner.

- I don't think there should be commas after 'snow' and 'embrace'.

My amber eyes,
gleamed with fire.

- No comma after 'eyes'

The rough wind,
swirls the blossoms.
Their snowy petals,
touch my skin.

- No comma after 'wind' and 'petals'. I know that you're intending a pause, but I think that's what the separation of the lines gives us. Anyway, I've no problem with the other commas I didn't nitpick. :)

No longer feeling you,
the warm hands,
touching my frozen arms.

- I didn't get this sentence. >.<

It is no point,

- I think you meant 'There is no point,'.

Give up, I'm gone.
You can't save me.
You can't save us.
I'm a memory now.

You whisper I'm not,
But I am.
Open your eyes,
I can't be held onto.
I'm a memory now.

- o.o I love the drama and the emotion here. :smt023

Just like the blossoms.
They curl around you now.
Drawing you in,
with their alluring beauty.

- It should be a comma after 'blossoms' and after 'now'.

You must resist them,
they will end you.

- I think it's more fitting if it was a semicolon after 'them' instead of a comma.

Please don't fall,
into their illusion.

- I don't think the comma is necessary there.

That peace we shared,
shall be shattered.

- No comma after 'shared'.

So don't lose yourself,
in the illusions
of the snow blossoms.
As they touch your hands,
seeping coldness back in.

- o.o That is a pretty powerful ending. :smt023
- Anyway, I think there shouldn't be period after 'blossoms'.

- - - - - - -

Awesome poem, Soulkana. :smt023 ;) The imagery, the emotion, and the little story are all outstanding, especially the emotion. :D The persona's voice is just so pure and poignant. :smt023 I can easily feel the emotion in it. The imagery is so beautiful. There was also imagery in the title which is so soft and calm, :) and has a lovely irony to the emotion in the poem. The wording is also nice. :) My only problem in this poem is the excessive use of commas.

Never stop writing! :D

User avatar
shiney1
Review
shiney1 wrote a review · Mon May 16, 2011 10:20 pm

I really like this poem. I love the shifting emotions, and the imagery is just wonderful! Great diction as well. Not much to correct here.



Newly fallen snow,
was a cold relief.
Its chilling embrace,
held me prisoner. This got me hooked, good opener.

Willing, yet not.
Hopeful yet afraid.
My amber eyes,
gleamed with fire. Made me wonder who was talking, good last line

You are standing,
just a few feet away.
You smile warmly,
thawing the ice,
#FF0000 ">off of my tattered heart.

The rough wind,
swirls the blossoms.
Their snowy petals,
touch my skin. Lovely

The ice seeps back,
freezing my limbs.
Your smile withers
as the blossoms drift. Here the mood turns more sour.

I'm sucked deep,
into the icy depths.
No longer seeing you.
No longer feeling you,
the warm hands,
touching my frozen arms. Now the mood is more desperate. I love it :)

It is no point,
dearest sister.
Give up, I'm gone.
You can't save me.
You can't save us.
I'm a memory now.

You whisper I'm not,
But I am.
Open your eyes,
I can't be held onto.
I'm a memory now. These two stanzas mad me sad... Good job! lol

Just like the blossoms.
They curl around you now.
Drawing you in,
with their alluring beauty.
You say you want me,
that you will do anything.

You must resist them,
they will end you.
Please don't fall,
into their illusion.
If you do then it is gone. Gave me hope

That peace we shared,
shall be shattered.
I will not forgive you,
for giving up, sister.

So don't lose yourself,
in the illusions
of the snow blossoms.
As they touch your hands,
seeping coldness back in. Good ending



Again, very nice poem!



Why can't I put the entire Bee Movie in the quote generator? Would you prefer if I put in the Shrek script instead?
— CaptainJack