Chapter 4: Leaving for the west....and two more?
With my eyes closed I breathe deeply as the wind gently rustles the leaves of the ancient oak I am sitting beneath. Despite this I maintained my focus on the thought of Mei-sensei who leans ever so precariously on a branch. The mere acknowledgement that she was there allows her to speak the purpose of her surprised visit, “Milady orders you to come to the white oak outside the compound within the next three hours. She has a job for you, Evelyn.”
I open my eyes to see Mei-sensei staring at Hisoka who was now comfortable to sleep next to me when something frightening would awaken him. Softly I tuck a few of his brown locks away from his eyes to notice a new expression on his small face, a calm, peaceful look of blissful sleep.
“As she commands I shall be there.” I smoothly replies as I close my eyes wearily. Remembering the event that led up to my absence to join the Goddess’s protection squad. Event though the memory itself is a show of bad point in my life it also symbolizes how I have changed over the past years.
Stomach burning from malnutrition I run with short, scrawny legs in the direction to a shop I knew would help me. Breathing in small, frantic gasps I manage to reach the street it was on when I heard what would soon create the most deadly mob I have ever faced in my short five years of life.
As I am merely a few feet from safety a kick to my head sends me sprawling face first in the dirt. Wailing in pain I try to get up only for a foot to slam into my back and cheers of adults. Sobbing I choke out tearfully, “Why?”
I always asked this and not once have I given a clear answer. Even now I can imagine their expressions. Their looks of sheer hatred and twisted satisfaction at the pain they inflict upon me. Whimpering softly I curl up in a ball in desperation to protect my head. As the crowd cheers the mobs on I pray in attempt to halt the pain, ‘Please, my Goddess! Make them stop!’
Laughter rings out suddenly and my fear spikes. Instinctively trying to get away from what was about to happen I felt a hand grip my foot. Pulling me towards him the man smirks triumphantly as the fire in his hand grows.
Terrified I let out of scream as the flames engulf me. I howl in pain as I watch the citizens roar with encouragement and joy. Eyes burning from unshed tears and the flames I whisper brokenly, “I’m sorry for hurting you...big brother.”
No longer able to stay alert my vision fades to black as a woman hollers at the appalling scene. “What in Sorcasa are you doing to this innocent child!”
“-so do you think you should be getting ready?” Mei-sensei’s voice drifts into my attention.
“I am already packed. I never unpacked for I knew this stay would not be for long. The only thing I need to do is tell Mamoru that we’re leaving.” I mutter distractedly as Hisoka shifts restlessly in his sleep.
With a subtle nod in consideration of my statement she finally begins to end our conversation. “Well, cub, I think it’s time I head back. Stay out of trouble will you? Don’t forget to keep them..covered.”
I nod at the reminder. Since I had returned my hands and arms where always to be bandaged or gloved. The memory of the seals in place and the bloodline makes me flinch violently before standing. With Hisoka securely in my arms we both rush off in separate directions.
Wind blowing in my hair I run to my brother’s office in a quick pace. I didn’t want to remain in this place for any longer than needed. Despite that I felt my heart pang in guilt for leaving my brother so soon after reuniting with him. Still if I am to learn I needed to start moving on.
Thump.
I land softly before my brother’s desk. Feet planted securely on the floor I remark shortly, “We’re leaving now.”
Mamoru glances up from his stack of paperwork with a calm smile. “I have a request though, before you leave.”
I frown slightly but nod anyways. Might as well hear him out. “Sure. So long as you say it quickly.”
Even though I still had time the yearning to be within the Goddess’s presence nearly knocks my breath from my chest in anticipation. Almost trembling I glare at him impatiently.
He gives me a sharp, disapproving gaze and I frown. “I want you to join our ranks as a second in command. You will not have to stay within the village so long as you do the missions outside the compound. Should the Goddess be of need of your services you are allowed to go as long as needed.”
I pause, “I will have to find a team to train as well, though.” I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in charge of three lives when I was still learning to protect the one that meant the world to us.
He nods smiling impishly, “You already have one. Soon you will have three. Good luck, little sister.”
I glare at that subtle hint. But with a huff I head out as Hisoka wakes up with a start. With Rava at my heels I explain to him as I rush towards the tree, “We have to meet the Goddess. She has a surprise for us.”
He nods without a word but the awe and excitement in his dark eyes makes me chuckle. This would be an interesting meeting indeed. As the trees got more densely placed I spotted the tip of the Sorcasa tree.
As we neared I noticed at once something odd. Milady wasn’t alone. On either side of her was a child. Both girls looks small and frightened as I grew in close. As I land I could hear the Goddess whisper soothingly, “She is the one I spoke of.”
Feeling a bit in the dark I question her, “Milady, what’s going on?”
She turns to me and I knew at once that whatever she was about to request would be fulfilled and there was no way I could deny her. With a slight guarded look at her steely eyes I await her order with somewhat baited breath.
“I want you to watch over these children. Train them and when the time comes protect them. They will serve as the missing members of your team.” She says firmly while whispering in my mind, ‘Be careful with them, Evelyn. They each have their own sets of problems but in time they may help you.’
Raising an eyebrow I nodded in consent. Even through I felt annoyed that she had decided this without speaking with me first I knew there was no way I could deny the favor she has just done as well. Smiling warmly at her I question, “Is there anything else you need of me, Milady?”
She crosses the distance between us and whispers tenderly, “Only for you to study hard, dear Nagori.”
Turning red I stammer out, “As you wish. Please stay safe, Milady.”
Laughing she nods in agreement before vanishing in a mist leaving me with three children. Smiling I turn to them and cheerfully say, “Well I guess we should tell something of ourselves.”
The two girls stare at me in sheer terror and distrust. I sigh softly inside. This was going to be harder than it appeared.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey Soulkana,
I'm going to review this as a stand-alone, I hope you don't mind. So let's start:
There should be comma before the quotation mark, not a period. "Replies" should be "reply"
Just clearing things up here.
And cheers of adult? Clear this up a bit, as it is confusing and as of right now a run-on. You should start a new sentence, something like, "...foot to slam into my back. I heard the cheering of adults." Or something along those lines.
I see you making this mistake again and again. Adverbial phrases should be set off by commas. One way to look at it: find your subject and your verb - any phrase before or after that, that does not stand alone, needs a comma.
For example:
"I let out" would be your subject/verb. A scream - that's your object. Terrified then, is an adjective that describes the subject - hence, adverbial phrase. It needs to be set off by comma. There are more errors like this littered throughout this entire piece - from this point on, I've stopped pointing them out.
I find the dialogue is pretty decent, it seems to inform the readers on a lot of information and serve to further the plot. Remember, you can do many things with dialogue - don't forget your characters.
The ending seems suspenseful!
Keep writing, but remember to proofread your work!
~ As always, Audy
First of all, I'm sorry it took me too long to read it. I HAD to sleep, it was a hard day.
Okay, your story...
It's soooo good! Now I'm happier I didn't read it last night or else I wouldn't sleep AGAIN...
I got a little bit bit confused here:
"The one that meant the world to us". I didn't get that... Or is it new?
I loved the way you wrote this part!!
Anyway, I just loved this chapter and can't wait to read more!
Congratulation, Soul!!