Cataclysmic Lies Chapter 1

by Soulkana

Published May 23, 2013

E - Everyone

In Cataclysmic Lies

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The faint rapping of the wooden door causes me to glance behind as Father enters the room with a package in hand. He gives a warm smile when he notices the long, royal blue robes that I still wear from the Ceremony, merely two hours before. His amber eyes shine gold in the late evening sun as he wraps a hand around my shoulders.


“I am happy you accepted to take the throne, child.” Father states, the heavy weight he has been carrying around for centuries finally lifted. I havenoticed the obvious relief of the stress over the past few weeks after I agreed to take his place.


My luminous violet eyes search his face briefly, before I smile, “I’m glad that doing so has released some of the stress you held, Father.”


Father leans down and presses a kiss to my fiery red hair, “I have never been so blessed than to have you and your brother as my children. Now, I have something for you.”

My eyes immediately flicker to the package. It was done in a red velvet cloth sack and it felt rather heavy for its size. With curiosity peaked, I remove the object and raise my face to look at Father in confusion.


“Why a book?” I trace the intricate phoenix marking on the cover done in a stunning purple fluorite with a hard red leather background.


I can feel Father’s arms wrap themselves around my shoulders, pressing his chin on top of my head. Relaxing into his embrace, I still can’t believe I have become King at only sixteen. Even if Father has trained both Takeshi and I since we were adopted, I still feel nervous.


“It is tradition that the Kings of Saturnia write down their lives for a record.” Father explains, holding up a similar one done with an amber fluorite dragon on a blue background.  


I frown as I flip through the empty journal. I have never been one to write my thoughts down, having done so in the past and for my Uncle to find them which ended badly. So I continue to puzzle over it when Father places a firm grip on my shoulder, pulling my attention back to him.


“Just start at the beginning if it makes things easier.” Father smiles before letting out a tired sigh, “I must go and talk to your Aunt about her obvious attempt to marry you to Ayria, again.” The aggravation in his tone brings a smile to my face.


Nodding, I step away and closer to the desk near the middle of the room. As Father leaves the room, I stare at the journal with a slight frown. I had forgotten this tradition in all the excitement and fury of the Ceremony that has the citizens in a cheerful mood. Sighing, I sit down at the desk and open the journal to the first page. Father said starting from the beginning would be best? I tap the pen absentmindedly on the table, still unsure how to start.


The door creaks open just as I place the pen to the paper and with a frustrated hiss, I glower in the direction of the door only to wince when Zellan’s face falls and tears begin to fill his eyes. Wincing in guilt, I wave him in and set the pen back down.


“I’m sorry, Zellan. I thought it would be Ayria trying to get me to marry her again.” I grimace at the memory of her most recent attempt during the short dance after the Ceremony while Zellan merely smiles in amusement.


Zellan chuckles as he leans against the side of the oak desk, running his fingers along the edge. He spots the journal and asks, “What are you working on, your Highness?”


I glare at him for the formal title, “We’re friends, Zellan. So don’t you dare start using formalities now.”


He merely grins and dodges the feather pen I aim at him. “Seriously though, what’s with the blank book?”


Running my hand through my hair, I sigh. “Father gave it to me shortly before you entered. It’s tradition that the Kings keep a record of their lives. I was trying to figure out how to start when you walked in.”


He sits down on the arm of the chair I’m sitting in and smiles, “Why not from the beginning?”


I don’t respond as I pick up my favorite pen and decided the best place would be to introduce and explain to the later readers, why I, an adopted son, took the throne of Saturnia.


Entry I


My name is Paion Kamui Flowlight, the twentieth King of Saturnia. When my twin, Takeshi and I turned the age of seven, we were rescued by the previous king, Kamui, from our homeworld, Valerin. Having no children of his own and because we were the heirs to the Valerin throne yet unable to take it now, he adopted us as his own.

In Valerin, twins are considered a sign of chaos. So when things started to go wrong, the blame fell mostly on me, for being the youngest. Father spent many years helping both of us realize that anything that went wrong isn’t our fault. He helped us with whatever we wanted to know, unless it dealt with something he considered unsafe for us.

Right now, Takeshi is in the southern border with two of his trusted friends, slaying the remainders of an army that we had fought last summer. The remaining men had begun to burn the local villages and causing havoc. So Takeshi stayed behind while I prepared to take the throne.


There is another knock on the door and I set the pen down with a dark scowl. But it melts away when Father enters, once more. His amber eyes fall to the half filled page but doesn’t comment as he takes a seat next to me.


“I see you have started writing.” He states, watching my expression carefully.


“Yes, sir.” I mutter, closing the journal before he got the curiosity to peak at it.


But he merely runs his fingers through my hair and smiles even brighter. Motioning for me to follow, he stands to leave. I tuck the book into the folds of my robes and follow without complaint. Already, I can feel the desire to sleep tug at me. Gripping Father’s hand to keep balance, I ask, “Where are we going?”


“To sleep.” Father replies calmly as we reach his bedroom.


I didn’t bother asking why he wanted me to sleep near him. His dream visions, while milder than before, still had serious problems if I wasn’t there to guard his dream. But even my own dream visions were becoming darker with each passing month. As we both settle under the deep blue sheets and thick blankets to fight away the country’s bitter cold, I curl up with my face resting on his chest. Even now, after almost fourteen centuries, the thudding of his heartbeat calms me from the dangerous memories I had shut away that would escape into my dreams.


“Sleep well, Paion.” Father whispers as I drift asleep, fingers wrapped up in the fabric of his own red robes.
Comments & reviews · 2
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Kaylyn
Review
Kaylyn wrote a review Review · May 24, 2013

Alright some things to consider:

Grammar:
Have noticed in the second paragraph needs a space in between them. It appears to be a simple typo. Also no need to bold your words and put an extra space between them.

Content:
There is a very formal language used to both describe the scene and the dialogue used between characters. If they are familiar with each other, as is the case with father and son, use more informal language. Also when his twin brother comes in, he goes from nearly crying to all good talking to his brother. If the character is almost crying from that short thing, well then he's going to be crying often.

Keep working with it. Good luck and keep writing!
-Kay

Tabithalillian wrote a review Review · May 23, 2013

Hi! I really liked this piece and saw only a few flaws. So lets start off with the critique. The one thing that stuck out to me while reading this was just the line:

I trace the intricate phoenix marking on the cover done in a stunning purple fluorite with a hard red leather background.

I think this sentence could be broken up more, it read a little awkwardly to me. Maybe reworking it something more like : I trace the intricate phoenix marking on the cover done in a stunning purple fluorite. The backing a hard red leather.

It doesn't have to be exactly that but something along those lines. The part where we first introduce Zellan seemed a little unbelievable too. From what I gathered so far in the story he is kind of a sassy and cheeky. So it didn't really seem believable when his friend expresses a little annoyance at his entrance and he starts to cry. I don't know maybe he is sensitive and it fits but for now with the perception I am getting of his character I dont think it works.

The sentence:
Running my hand through my hair, I sigh
also seems a little iffy. I think it is your placement of the comma. Maybe something like: "I run my hands through my hair and sigh." would work a little better.

His relationship with his father is another point of interest to me. How old is this character exactly? His twin is fighting in some kind of war so he must be pretty old. I didn't find a problem with his close relationship with his father since I think that is something that most of us can relate to. But maybe explaining their relationship with just a little more detail so it seems more natural when they climb into bed together.

Overall your story really interested me. I love fantasy and kings and castles. It was really well written to and I found most of the dialog believable. Even your character Paion is pretty fleshed out at this point in the story. I also enjoyed how you got right into his backstory, which I think is part of what made him more of a full believable character. You write very well and I can't wait for the next installment.



Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
— Sigmund Freud