Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Living in the dead country and growing up dirt poor, is not something I would wish on my worst enemy; even if I had one. There is nothing out here but trees, a lake, and more trees. No houses or stores for miles, unless you count the people who sell things out of their houses. Things like honey, hand-me-down clothes, chicken, medicine, and other things we can get from the store. I don't really trust the medicine these people sell out here because last time they gave me something for a common cold and got sicker than I was.
Since then, I just wait it out and hope that I don't die out here. Other than the huge space between houses and the empty roads due to no one really driving down here for any reason, I really enjoy the country life. Horse riding, fishing on weekends, the wide open space, and my personal favorite, all the trees I can climb.
However, being a girl in the country sometimes isn't fair. While the boys go hunting and dirt bike riding, the girls stay in the kitchen and help with dinner and dishes and cleaning. It's like being thrown back into the 1950's where the women slave over a hot stove just to have the man come home and get told that the women's cooking is subpar. That is not what I want, I want to run with the boys and get dirty, but my advances to tell my mother that falls on deaf ears.
"Cambria! Come on outta yo room and help me with these dishes!" My mother yells from downstairs.
I sigh and get up from my bed after closing my journal and slipping it between my mattresses, "Comin' ma."
We live in a two story wood made house, almost everything within the house is made of wood, right down to the stairs. I was told that my great, great, great whatever grandfather built this house with his bare hands and a shovel. A shovel? Yeah, that is what I thought when my father told I and my stupid ass brothers the story when we were younger.
I make it down the stairs to find no one there but my ma. She stays in the kitchen, it seems like always doing something. Cooking, baking, cleaning; she is the real example of a 1950's housewife. She doesn't go to work or do any volunteer work around the country, she just stays home and caters to my pa. It irritates me to the fullest to see her not really doing anything with her life but depending on my pa for any and everything she needs and wants. But, I am not allowed to voice my opinion around here, because it wouldn't and doesn't matter what I think. As long as I do what I am told, when I am told to do it, I won't get in trouble. My brothers....they are a different story.
When I get in the kitchen, the nagging of my ma begins. "Cambria, we have people coming over for your brothers and your pa wants a good buffet of a dinner."
I look at my ma with my amber colored eyes. What kind of company could my stupid older brothers be having? I do not ask this, I just grab an apron, put it on and attend the kitchen with my ma. Everything about this is second nature, cooking, baking, and cleaning up afterward. Sometimes I wish I had a sister to talk about this stuff with, but I do not have one of those. I only have my best friend who lives a hundred miles east from me, I visit her every day or I try. If I can't make it, she comes to stay with me sometimes.
I look up at my ma as she moves with no effort at all along the kitchen, gliding smoothly across the floor and getting things done in no time at all. While I am still stuck on cutting up carrots and cleaning the green beans.
"Cambria, please." My ma begs me.
I go back to cutting the carrots and cleaning the green beans. Right now, there is nothing I want more than to question who are these people that are supposed to be coming to visit my brothers. We hardly get visitors as is, but for someone to visit them at all is like getting channel 3 out here. It doesn't happen most times.
"Ma, who are these people coming for my brothers?" I ask keeping my eyes on the carrots and green beans that I have now put in a pot full of boiling water and butter.
She turns to me from the oven, after checking on the biscuits with her hands on her hips. "You ask too many questions for your own good Cambria. I swear that's all you do is ask questions about something that does not concern you at all. But, if you just have to know this one. They are college folk from upstate wanting to enroll your brothers for their baseball skills. Yo pa and I want your brothers to make a good impression on these folk. So, don't go asking them a bunch of questions." She turns back to the oven.
College sponsors? My brothers don't play sports, or so I thought they didn't. The only thing I have seen them do is hunting and go mudding through the woods. I have never seen them pick up a baseball, let alone a bat to play with. I am now wondering what kind of tomfoolery is this bull.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
This was a pretty solid short! I thought that the descriptions were nice and crisp and that despite disliking the 'woman goes against the grain' cliche, I enjoyed this story. The main character has a lot of appeal to me and is a very naturally charismatic girl. I think there were some moments where you should have taken advantage of the 'show don't tell' rule but I don't think that this was a reoccurring problem. I only noticed explicit narrations that might have been better handled had they been shown instead once or twice. One example is the gender norms in the world they live in and another is what Ellstar commented about the brothers. The dialogue feels smooth and natural.
Even though it's not a perfect piece, I still find it oddly alluring and I had a fun time reading it. Good on you!
OMG thanks
Hi, here to leave you a review.
The others before me have already mentioned a lot, so I'll spare you reading something twice and just tell you the things I didn't see in the other reviews.
In the first paragraph you say how aweful the country is, but in the next one the main character loves it.
Then this:
""Cambria, please." My ma begs me."
For me this has not context. She's already doing what she's told, I don't understand what her mom wants from her.
Next thing:
"I only have my best friend who lives a hundred miles east from me, I visit her every day or I try.
A hundred miles is pretty far for a daily visit at least with our technology. if she is living in some kind of futuristic countryside then it would be wise to mention this in more than one context. If not then the distance is just a bit too far.
Her Mom overreacts when she asks one question, though Cambria didn't really hesitate to ask it. And then her mom answers it even though it is supposed to be so preposterous.
I think you have some good ideas for a start, but there are some logical errors. Try to look out for them when you reread your chapters.
Keep writing!
Hello, Soulfulwriter!!
This is Eros here with a review for your amazing work!!
I like the theme of this chapter. It reminded me of the chapter, "Memories of Childhood" which we had for our English exams. Well, this was completely different from that chapter. This was a very interesting piece. I like how you have described everything here. The feelings of Cambria which she wants to share with a sister. She doesn't have one, but surely, wants one.
It was overall, a WONDERFL chapter! It would proove to be a very interesting novel. This chapter was a BANGING start to it. I am impressed by your beautiful style of writing. The choice of set of the words you use, the flowy paragraphs and the story which you have written has really influenced me. The plot which you have set is really wonderful!
There is no flaw as far as I see.
GREAT work!!
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading such AWESOME works like this one!
and..
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!!
Honestly, I don't quite like storylines like this. It's not that I don't like women going against the norm--I know that many places still have this perception of women, and it's good to write works regarding this. However, no matter what, I rarely ever see a work that can tackle this issue head on without sounding like a badly made PSA. I'll get to that later, though. For now, the highlights.
And I got sicker than I already was.
"fall on deaf ears" would be better.
I think you should either separate these two sentences with a semicolon or delete the bolded sentence entirely. It's sort of redundant in my mind, as you already said that the house is made of wood.
This is correct, but I feel more comfortable saying "my stupid brothers and I".
I think you should delete this for flow sake.
Delete one of the 'at alls'.
Now, onto the more substantial portion of this review.
A) "Elliot, are you not a feminist? How do you not like a woman trying to break away from her gender role?" Well, Imaginary Strawman, the answer to that is simple--I'm a writer long before I'm a feminist. If a work is good but portrays women badly (which is very rare), I will defend it's quality, even if its views are askew. Politically correct beliefs does not equal quality. Which is why I dislike this storyline; because it's all belief and no quality. There's no dimensions in this, it's all black and white. Society's Gender Roles=Bad, Protagonist Breaking Away from those Roles=Good. But see, I think I could accept that, it's an easy enough message to accept, if the protagonist actually had a personality I could get down with. But no, that's the problem. The message overshadows the story itself. The protagonist is so busy not being something (that thing being the stereotypical view of women) that she forgets to actually be something. Right now, I can't judge it fully, but from what I'm reading I can't tell if I'm reading a manifesto or a character from a book. I'll see if it improves later on, but as of now Cambria really needs to grow something else to define her character. I can easily support a message, but in a story I don't support messages--I support characters.
B) You do a lot of telling instead of showing here. You call the brothers stupid, when the audience hasn't even seen the brothers. If the brothers can't come, just drop in an anecdote about one stupid thing they once did. Just telling us that the brothers are stupid won't cut it, the audience won't believe it until they see an example.
As of now though, that's all I have. Your grammar and spelling has improved from the first drafts of Dark Like Me, which is great, but I think it's worth trying to work on the voice a little bit more. Till then though,
Signing out,
--EM.