Chapter 2

by Soulfulwriter

Published November 19, 2016

16+

In Book 1: Without will

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

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City folk are so weird. The college sponsor people came in our house and looked around like they had never seen a house before in their lives. Oohing and ahhing at everything, even the staircase. They dressed with these suits on a had a cell phone in their hands while they inspected our place of living. When dinner was finally ready, we all sat down at the round table, of course, I and ma were the ones to serve everyone whatever they wanted, then we got to sit down and eat. My stomach growling I begin to shovel food into my mouth.

"Cambria, your manners." My ma minds me.

I sigh and eat like a normal person instead of some savage. My ma smiles satisfied with the way I am eating and turns to the first college sponsor; a female that has brown eyes, and a pixie haircut. It doesn't look too great on her, but I guess it's what the city folk are doing now.

"So, what can you tell me about your fancy college?" My ma asks the female.

The female wipes her mouth of the gravy and answers, "Well, we have a lot of sports programs and just normal programs. However, if you want to keep doing sports the students have to maintain a grade point average of a C or higher, anything lower they get kicked off the team until they can make up that average."

My brothers maintaining a C or higher was not something they did very well. In high school, all they did was slack off and ma came to their rescue. Writing their papers and doing their math homework, even doing their projects for them. She'd take the projects up to the school and promptly tell them they forgot it at home and not to do it again. I figured the office people at the school or even the teachers found it a little odd that they always left their projects at home when it was due. But, I guess some people are stupider than I thought.

"That sounds promising, doesn't it boys?" My ma turns to my older brothers.

They look up from their plate and nod. They aren't making much conversation with these college people, that is one reason why I suspected this to be a fluke. But, my ma seemed to be very interested in what the college people had to say, I supposed it is because she never got the chance to go to college, due to her having my brother at such an early age.

"Jerry Lee, isn't that wonderful?" My ma tries to make my brother engage in conversation.

Jerry Lee is 18 years old, brown eyes, brown hair, with an chocolate brown complexion, and a slender build. He doesn't really pay much attention to anything if it has nothing to do with hunting or mudding. I guess that is what the country life does to some people. They just want to stay out here all the time and not have to worry about other neighbors or having to do much of anything.

Jerry Lee looks up. "Huh? Oh yeah, ma. That sounds really nice to do." He mumbles.

I shake my head and look at the college people. They don't look too happy with Jerry Lee's response. My ma then turns to Reuben, my other brother.

Reuben is also 18 years old, brown eyes, black hair with the same complexion as Jerry but a little darker, and has a chubby build.

I am 17 years old with thick, black curly hair that stays in a messy afro, hazel eyes, a thick build, and caramel complexion.

"Reuben, aren't you going to ask anything?" My ma speaks.

"No, ma." Reuben says looking everywhere else but at ma.

My ma sighs a little disappointed in her sons.

"What programs do you offer?" I ask.

My ma shoots me a look of disgust as I asked the question. I stare at her and shrink down in my chair. I wanted to know, since they are here and my brothers are paying any attention. These college people are supposed to be here for them and they aren't even engaging in any questions. I didn't want these people to feel like they wasted their time coming here.

"Oh," The male college sponsor says next," we offer a lot of programs." He pulls out a pamphlet and hands it to me.

I take it and my ma tries to snatch it from me, but I am quicker and keep it away from her. I look through the pamphlet and the words, University of Laguna Bay jump out at me almost immediately. I remember looking at this University's website at school and wanting to go there. I find it coincidental that they show up here. I lift to the programs page and look at all the programs they have to offer including a swim team and Self Defense, Weaponry programs. My heart races with excitement.

"You guys have a swim team and everything." I exclaim with a smile.

"Yes, we do. We offer a lot of sports and other programs along with it. We even offer room and board along with a few other perks." the male says to Cambria.

"Room and board?" Cambria asks.

"Alright, Cambria. That is enough. They are here for your brothers, remember?" My ma reminds me.

I sigh and hand them the pamphlet back. They decline to take it.

"No, no." The female says. "You keep that. I am sure you will make a very great student there." They stand up and thank my mom for the delicious dinner. I walk them outside.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Casanova
Review
Casanova wrote a review Review · Nov 27, 2016

Heya, Soulfulwriter! Casanova here to do a review!

The first thing I noticed was-

"Cambria, your manners." My ma minds me.


I think that you meant to put,"reminds me," but I could be wrong, and felt like I should point this out.
The next thing I noticed was this line-
My ma smiles satisfied with the way I am eating and turns to the first college sponsor; a female that has brown eyes, and a pixie haircut.

Considering,"satisfied," is describing the mom, I think you should maybe either add a comma or rephrase this sentence. Something like,"May ma, now satisfied with the way I'm eating, smiled and turns to the first college sponsor; a female with brown eyes and a pixie hair cut." Or something like that. The original seems completely rushed and not natural, but it's up to you.

The plot seems to be going along well, and I appreciate that. It's not too fast, but the one thing I have against it is the ending. It's not reallly suspenseful or anything, and gives me nothing to want to go on to the next chapter, and that dissapointed me with the way the chapter had been going. I would suggest adding to this, or ending it earlier.
Your characters are strong, I would suggest to keep their emotions and personalities up through next chapters.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one. I hope this has helped, even a bit.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.

User avatar
Ninlil
Comment
Ninlil commented Comment · Nov 27, 2016

An excellent second chapter. You managed to continue the story smoothly all the while handing over desired information. The reader is slowly drawn into the plot, as it becomes clearer where it is heading. I am particularly fascinated by the family dynamics. I also really like some of your descriptions, for example when you introduce the 'the city folks'.

The overall structure needs some filing, however. In the first paragraph, you use past tense and then for the rest of the chapter you change to present. This mistake should probably be fixed.
Another odd thing is when you describe the three siblings you use almost the same structure for each one. If there isn't a reason for using the word complexion three times in a row or mention that they all have brown eyes I would change that. Give them some special traits that also hint at their personality or history, such as expressions, body posture or scars. This will make them more memorable. Also, the description that you give of Cambria feels placed rather randomly. If you don't find a good spot to describe her you can wait and start to describe her in more subtle ways.
The last sentence feel a little awkward, except if you decide to continue the next chapter from there, in which case it definitely makes sense.

So overall a neat second chapter that motivates to turn the page to the third.
Promising writing!

User avatar
Ninlil
Review
Ninlil wrote a review Review · Nov 27, 2016



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