Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
She wakes up from her drug induced daze to find herself laying on a cold, steel metal slab with a huge laser contraption staring her directly in her face. She struggles against the metal restraints, however the more she struggles, the deeper the restraints dug into her wrist causing minor cuts and bruises. Looking around the pure white room, she realizes where she is; this is the room her best friend use to always tell her about. Her silver eyes land directly on the owner of the orphanage, she cranes her neck further to see the teacher that she helped with math problems and new solutions. She trusted the teacher; Mrs. Shawna. Her eyes are wrapped in tears and puffy along with her face. Last, the female doctor that is standing by a black and white high tech computer, typing away.
The doctor's voice startled her and she opens her eyes to look around once more. She realizes that this is not a nightmare but a horrible reality and she would wake up in her room with her sister laying in the bed next to the wall.
"Ready?" The female doctor asks.
Upon hearing the doctor's voice, she opens her eyes and shes looks around again, now realizing that this is no nightmare. Yet, a horrible reality. She closes her eyes again, now hoping to block out the horror of all that is going on right now.
The owner and Mrs. Shawna must have nodded their answer because she didn't hear them . She begins to slowly hyperventilate when she hears a light beeping sound, then the machine starting up. She pops her eyes open once more to see three lasers moving about. Beads of sweat roll down her forehead as another beep sounds making the first laser stop in the right side of her temple and the second laser on the opposite. The last laser that resembled a pincher hovers over her heart. Cranking her neck to look at Mrs. Shawna for help, but she has broken down in tears. While the owner has a stone cold look on her face as if this is something personal for her. They put their goggles on and the doctor flips the switch that causes the room to black out. There is one more beep causing a huge green neon light to shoot her in her temples, the green light lit up the entire room. The pain that follows is excruciating, she bites her lip against the pain and the tears, but the tears flow down her cheeks. Her eyes flutter close making more tears stream down her face and in an effort to fight off the pain that the lasers is causing.
She could feel the laser penetrating her mind and invading her personal thoughts and memories. She could hear her own heart beating hard and the pulse beating against her wrist. Her voice breaks as she calls out through her tears, "Mama? Daddy?"
The memory is of her parents waving to her as an age 6 years old at the time, runs off for her first day of The Elite Preschool. Behind her is her twin, a sad looking 6 year old whom is dragging her feet and kicking rocks. The laser turns black, erasing the memory along with other memories as well, which causes more pain than when it penetrated her mind. Angelle bites back a scream and continues to be strong agains the aweful pain. The third laser then reaches into her which and begins to pull out the creature. She opens her eyes, horrified and in some agony as her and her creature stare at each other. The creature smiles, half way out as they have a stare down.
Without warning, a light the color of a pretty sunrise shot out from her persian gold medallion. The medallion's light forces the black light back into the machine's lasers, blowing the million dollar contraption up from the inside out. Making the pincher laser let go of the creature. Winking at her, the creature slips back inside her. She lets out a sigh of relief as she feels the creature making itself at home again. Abruptly, the whole machine wires down and smoke slithers out of the laser,, the smell of burning wires causes her to open her eyes. She turns her head towards two females trying to figure out what had just happened to the expensive machine.
Not fully knowing where she is or what is going on, the now unknown female with tear stained face ambles over to her and begins to take the restraints off. Once the restraints are off, the female helps her sit upright and begins to tell the young child certain things that the owner had her rehearsed with her numerous of times when this process is completed...IF the process is completed. The young child nods at the lies the female is telling her.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey, Soulfulwriter. Nice to see ya publishing. I'm obviously here to review, so let's get goin'!
You had a strong beginning for a prologue. Just a few nitpicks, though. The title...shouldn't it be "Fallen Angel"? And here, you might want to separate these phrases into sentences, or just replace some commas with semicolons. Like this, "She struggles against the restraints. But the more she struggles, the deeper the restraints dug into her wrist, causing minor cuts and bruises." Also, "dug" is past tense, and right now you're in present. So change that to "dig".
"She struggles against the metal restraints, however the more she struggles, the deeper the restraints dug into her wrist causing minor cuts and bruises."
I'm gettin' a little confused by your choice of words. How can the owner and Mrs. Shawna nod their answers? And no space before the period.
"The owner and Mrs. Shawna must have nodded their answer because she didn't hear them ."
Again, the choice of words were a little bit jumbled. Here, just take out the "and".
"The third laser then reaches into her which and begins to pull out the creature."
Some other things were there, but they didn't really need fixing. Call me if you want them fixed, though. I'm always here to help!
-wisegirl22
To whom ever is reading this story. I have made changes and are going to continue to make changes because the more I read it the more I realize that it doesn't really fit with the story the way I want it to. So, patience would be more than appreciated, also more feedback and whatever else you guys can give me. I don't want rude people or people who think they are know it alls, because in truth you are not. Keep it clean and positive.
Hey, SoulfulWriter. I'm Nonny and I'm going to go ahead and leave ya a quick review. Most of the other people have let comments on grammar and other things they saw within the story and I do agree with them so I'll pick on some other things that I noticed.
You capitalize Doctor quite often whenever you mention the doctor. I don't think that you need to capitalize it.
I also feel like when you wrote the very last sentence in the first paragraph, a better word could have been used other then lastly. It makes it seem like you're making a list. I know that she's describing the room she's in but I think that it could have been a better sentence if it was something like, "Her eyes finally rest on a female doctor that is standing by a black and white computer, typing away."
"Not knowing what is going on, Angelle closes her eyes hoping that this is some kind of horrid nightmare and that she would wake up in her room with her sister laying in the bed next to the wall." I don't think that you need the bolded part.
"Upon hearing the doctor's vocie(voice), Angelle opens her eyes and shes looks around again; now realizing that this is no nightmare. But a horrible reality."
I feel as though this sentence is just a bit weird. I would re-write it to something along the lines of: The doctors voice startled Angelle and she opens her eyes to look around once more. She realizes that this is not a nightmare but a horrible reality.
5th paragraph: What owner? The orphanage owner? Maybe I didn't catch that, but that was a bit confusing. What is the laser doing? Where is this going? What is it for and why are they there?
Overall, I think you've got something here. It looks like there is a lot of potential with the story and I'm a fan of these kinds. I know you said you don't have time for revisions, and I completely understand that but when you do I strongly suggest going through and explaining some more with this. I look forward to reading more from you!
Once again thanks for the feedback. I have so much feedback to write for this Prologue and you have to read the rest of the story. It too is on another website. But the questions that the feedback people have. I am writing them down so that later I can go back to answer them. Can't put too much in the prologue. THANKS BUNCHES!
Hello there!
Okay I'll start off first with the nitpicks.
First off, the comma should come before the however, and a second one should be after struggles. Second, you switch from present tense to past and then back to present. Try to stick to one, or in this case, change to the other tense and go with it for the rest of the statement.
That should be helped. You seem to come across the issue of tense quite a bit in the passage so from here you should be able to pick up on other mistakes you've made if you decide to edit the work.
You should also note that you use semi-colons quite often, and usually in places where a comma would suffice. Semi-colons are used to connect two related sentences where, even without the semi-colon, they could stand as independent clauses. Just a tip to remember.
I'm going to assume Angelle is the name of the MC, right? If you were going to introduce her in such a nonchalant way, you should have done it in the beginning instead of referring to her as "she". Saving this detail should only be used to bring it up later in a more, dare I say, exciting way. For example, if you had left her nameless until another character appeared and revealed her name through dialogue, it would've had much more of an effect on the reader. Otherwise, it just seems pointless to wait until now to do what you could've just done before.
Furthermore, after this point you only seem to refer to her as "Angelle", which continues to defeat the purpose of hiding her name in the beginning. Plus it gets quite a bit repetitive. We know her name, there's no need to always say it, you know?
Later on in the passage, you seem to misplace commas and periods, leaving sentences to be half complete of run-ons. Of course this is easily fixed with a bit of editing.
How convenient for this to have happened after the machine works it's magic, aye
Other than that, you have simple grammar and spelling mistakes that you can easily fix with a quick look over.
Now then, on to the story itself, I see quite a bit of potential within it. I'm a big fan of the whole 'kidnapped and thrown into a new life' type of thing. However, you need a bit more detail in your work. Like, where did this magic medallion come from? It was quite cliche to just bring it up when it was going to do something. Also, at the end of the passage, it's hard to tell whether she's really lost her memories or not, which is bad for a couple reasons.
For one, if she has lost all her memories, how would she know that what she's being told is a bunch of lies? Or that the lines have been rehearsed? Likewise, if she hasn't lost her memories, why would she refer to the people she knew just moments ago as "females". Now this is a brilliant way to describe them if she did lose her memories, I must say, but the way you write it is quite confusing.
Now, all of this can be explained if the narration is in a third person omniscient point of view. However if it is, I personally feel you don't make it clear enough. Otherwise the work is great.
Just remember, you are in no way obliged to listen to my opinions, so feel free to ignore everything I said. You can only get better from here, keep on writing!
I do appreciate your help. I know that I have a lot of issues with all that you have said. But, re-writing this for the 12th time is just not in my power as of right now. But, I do appreciate your help. THANK YOU!! Will get to it when I can.
no problemo. if you ever need any help though, feel free to ask xp
Thank you a lot. And duly noted.
Hi Soulfulwriter! Welcome to YWS!
Overall, I think you did fairly good. I think you need to be a bit more descriptive on the MC's emotions which, I believe, is kind of difficult to do when writing in third person. I noticed that you tend to jump around between past and present tense. It is important to stick to one tense unless you are writing about a flashback or looking into the future.
First Paragraph:
"Her silver eyes land directly on the owner of the orphanage, then she cranes her neck more to see the teacher that she help with math problems and new solutions, she trusted the teacher; Mrs. Shawna."
I think that this sentence seems like a mouthful- but that's just me. My suggestion would be to replace the second comma with a period to make it two sentences.
"...then she cranes her neck more to see the teacher..."
I would say "cranes her neck farther" I think it sounds awkward to say "cranes her neck more"
Third Paragraph: voice*
Fourth Paragraph:
"The owner and Mrs. Shawna must have nodded their answer because Angelle didn't hear them answer."
This is redundant. Instead of saying answer twice you can get rid of the last "answer"
These are just some errors and suggestions that I corrected or wrote.
All in all, I think you did good. I didn't feel bombarded with info which I've seen happen in prologues but not in yours. I'm very curious about the laser machine. Why do the doctors need to look into the MC's memories? And what "process" needs to be completed? I'm very interested into what happens next! Keep writing!
Much appreciated. Looking at it, it's not really where I want it to be. Or how I want it to be. So, I will take what you said into consideration and change some other things.