Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Airiel sits in her Mythical culture class listening barely to the Professor talk lamely about Mythical history. If she didn’t need this class to graduate on time, she would totally dip out and go with her friends to that new café down the street.
“To the Gods…” The Professor switches topics without warning.
Airiel perks up and listens intently, she loved hearing about Gods and Goddesses and their family line. The Professor points to Airiel as his face goes dark, “Descendant of Aphrodite! Descendant of Aphrodite! Descendant of Aphrodite!” Airiel’s face grows with shock and fear as she shakes her head trying to denial that she is not. The Professor and the other students point and chant, “Descendant of Aphrodite! Descendant of Aphrodite! Descendant of Aphrodite!”
At that moment, a teenaged girl hides behind Airiel as the Professor and the other students inch closer, their faces darker, fingers pointed, and still chanting. “You…you have to stop them.” The girl stutters, “Only you know how.” All of a sudden, her face turns darker and she too begins pointing and chanting.
Backed into a corner, Airiel begins to fear them even more as their faces morph into Medusa (Gorgon). Airiel shields her eyes with her forearm but something was extremely strange. She wanted to look, knowing the history of Medusa, no one is to look her directly in the eyes for fear of being turned into her own personal decorative statue. Airiel sinks down in the corner with her knees drawn to her chest, she begins to rock back and forth. Closing her eyes, a warm light begins to fill her body and she begins to speak, “Please, stop. I am not who you think I am!”
“Descendant of Aphrodite! You must die. Die, die, die…!” The snakes would hiss in fury and dart at her, if for no better reason than to scare her.
Finally, the terror of what was going on around her would seep through her skin. In her fear, she would retreat to the deep recesses of her mind. Words begin to spill from her mouth, though she could not make them out, they seem familiar yet so very alien. Without warning, a bright golden light would shoot out of the brilliant red diamond around Airiel’s neck, the beam splitting and piercing into each of the Gorgon’s eyes. The gorgons would howl in agony and fear as the light would quickly cauterize their eyes, rendering them useless jelly, they tried to flee from the terrifying beam, unfortunately for them there was no escape. After a few moments Airiel would open her eyes, greeted instantly with the horrifying sight of the once frightening Gorgon screaming in pain and fear. Though one of the Gorgon did not scream or flee, she simply stared at the female, her eyes never leaving her. Then in an instant she jumped at Airiel, razor claws drawn for the attack.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Welll...this was quite a piece here...it appears that this is a pretty cool little start to a novel here...there's just a couple of tiny nitpicks I had here and there but for the most part it appears to be a pretty decent start here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...neat little introduction to start with there...decent point to start there by showing what the protagonist here is upto and her thoughts on the thing that she's doing. Helps is get a sense of her personality somewhat and that's always quite helpful to see right at the very start of a story.
Okay....interesting shift in attention there, the way it was written earlier you'd almost thing that she hated everything to do with the subject but well...it appears there is an area she likes. Its a bit nitpicky but I think that's a bit contradictory there. That aside, this is a pretty cool bit here....now that certainly gets your attention as a reader there when someone just straight up seems to almost be attacking this girl and calling here a descendant of the very gods they're learning about as mythical...
Well that's awfully unhelpful of that girl to Airiel to figure everything out on here own and then join the rest of the people doing whatever it is they're trying to do to this poor girl here. Well...this is certainly getting even more intriguing as we go on here...it appears that we've got quite a pickle here right at the start.
Okay...well she should be thanking the fact that she took a mythical creatures class there or she might not have known that detail, and well..being a decorative statue is not a fun past time. Although it does look like she is indeed quite confused by the things happening around here which means either this is a terribly thought out prank or she's in some danger she never imagined. And both of those things sound like an exciting start to a story.
If they are trying to kill here...why are the snakes not doing any biting here? I feel like them just randomly darting at her doesn't quite convey the vibe of all of them wanting to actually kill the poor girl.
Well..that's a lovely ending there...a bit rushed I have to say though cause she just starts to feel afraid and then before anything can happen all of a sudden there's a lot of magic and action happening and everything is vaporized, and suddenly she's just opening here eyes to see what's happening. I feel like that scene there really does have a lot more potential than that if it was drawn out a bit more and what happened was described in a tiny bit more detail.
That aside though, the ending is lovely, there's a bit of a sense of security and it cuts out with a sudden attack...definitely makes for a wonderful little cliffhanger there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this seems like a pretty good start to a novel here, it definitely manages to do the job of getting your attention as a reader and makes you want to read on...and there's just a couple of places where things may need a tiny bit of work here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi there Soulfulwriter! Niteowl here to review for Team Avada Kedavra this fine Review Day!
Overall, I think the idea is interesting, but the chapter feels a bit rushed if this is supposed to be part of a novel.
This line seems to contradict the first paragraph, where she claims to be utterly bored by "Mythical history". A more natural way to express this might be that she was hoping for more actual mythology, but the class tends to focus on historical events she finds boring.
A minor grammatical point: the words professor, gods, and goddesses don't need to be capitalized in this context since you're not naming a specific person.
This whole experience seems really odd to me. It reads more like a dream or maybe a hallucination/delusion than something that's actually happening. If this is supposed to be the first sign that she's anything but an ordinary human, it seems a little...melodramatic. It's also seems awfully convenient that she happens to have a red diamond hanging around her neck that can defeat Gorgons. Who wears that kind of thing to lecture anyway?
It seems like that diamond and how it ended up with her might make more sense as a starting point, then building up into an encounter with the Gorgons.
Side note: Medusa is most strongly associated with Perseus and the goddess Athena. Maybe an Aphrodite-related villain would be more appropriate.
Last thing: The last paragraph uses the conditional tense (e.g. "she would retreat..."). This makes it sound even more like this is a recurring dream, like something that happened frequently (e.g. "Every day after school I would make Easy Mac."). If this is supposed to be an action sequence, I would stick with the simple past tense.
Overall, this could be a really interesting story, but it seems like there could be more buildup to this action. Keep writing!
Hello! I'm just wondering if this is a short story or a chapter in a novel?
I'm not sure about the line: If she didn't need this class to graduate on time... What do you mean by on time? Perhaps get rid of that and just say to graduate.
Anyway, Happy September Review Day!!
"Airiel sits in her Mythical culture class listening barely to the Professor talk lamely about Mythical history. If she didn’t need this class to graduate on time, she would totally dip out and go with her friends to that new café down the street."
Is this some sort of Percy Jackson fanfiction? High five if it is. If it isn't, still give me a high five because I love myths.
"The Professor points to Airiel as his face goes dark, “Descendant of Aphrodite! Descendant of Aphrodite! Descendant of Aphrodite!” Airiel’s face grows with shock and fear as she shakes her head trying to denial that she is not."
The Professor sounds a little childish, which I don't think is what you were going for. Perhaps reword it to say that he was chanting, or accusing her.
"“Descendant of Aphrodite! You must die. Die, die, die…!” The snakes would hiss in fury and dart at her, if for no better reason than to scare her."
I'm a little confused. Did her classmates turn into Medusa? Why is her life suddenly being threatened?
I do like the solution to defeating the gorgons, it's very clever. So just fix those few things and you'll have a nice short story.