Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
All the tales of how we as dark skins get bullied and picked on for being different, a shade darker different. Some of it is true and some of it is not. Trust me, I've had dark friends who made it in the world, while others...they chose to let the words of strangers knock them off their focus of what they really wanted for their lives. Don't get me wrong, it is hard to ignore what they are saying, especially if you have never been teased before. If you don't have thick skin, then what those strangers say will hurt you. They feed off that hurt with hopes that they can cut you down deeper than the last time.
Each and every day, it gets a little harder to ignore that. Each day, you get more and more depressed and your self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth begins to decrease. In some situations, I have lost a lot of good friends that way. They had nowhere to turn or thought they didn't and thought the only way to stop the hurt and the taunts was to kill themselves. A permanent solution to a temporary problem, I've heard many times from different wise people. Sometimes that 'problem' isn't always temporary. Sometimes it's going to be all around you and sometimes there won't always be a way out.
I know this because I have attempted that so many times. I wanted to just throw in the towel and say "Fuck it and fuck everything". Sucking down sleeping pills, hanging myself, and shooting myself. All because of what people thought about me. I could not take it and here I sit talking as if I have the highest self-confidence in the world. Sorry, that is wrong. As you can see, I didn't die because the majority of the time I was not alone like I thought I was. But, those suicide attempts did land me a nice cozy boring room in Maple Grove Sanatorium for teenagers and young adults.
A few weeks into the program I was popular and teenagers would come to me for advice. I often wondered how I can help them but could not help myself. After being evulated within a month , I got transferred into the normal dorms when the doctors figured I was no longer a threat to myself and the other teenagers.
This was a last resort for my parents, my mom cried and my dad held it together. Zakia, my young sister was low key upset and Zaida, my older sister bawled loudly as the doctors hauled me away kicking and screaming. I did feel betrayed for them just doing it on the whim. They lied to me by telling me that we were finally going to get my driver's license but instead we turned into this parking lot and BAM!
Anyway, today is an exciting day because I am set to leave this place this afternoon. And I can't wait to apply all that I have learned to the real world.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Wow! This was a real eye opener for someone who already knew that things like this could still happen.
While reading, I couldn't help but notice that "A perment solution to a temporary problem" could be in " " as it would bring more depth that it's an advice you had heard.
Other than that, this writing was so emotional and I wish more people would read this, so they could learn from what you have written.
I am fixing it.
I will be honest here. The way this first started, it did come off as somewhat childish. It's not like the first person point of view telling us, the reader, what the character's done hasn't worked before--it's just that the way you've executed it here needs a bit polishing. For one, you're telling us something we already know. Yes, we do know that dark-skinned people have a hard time in this world. The problem is you aren't showing us that dark-skinned people have a hard time in this world. You're just starting out with an essay and then launching into a story, which isn't a particularly good method as it leaves the audience confused no matter what they expected. I think the best way to start this book is to just have her be in the process of leaving the Sanatorium, and then explain what you want to say through the story.
You can get away from this rule, of course. Some authors actually have started out with essays, but that's mostly because the first person point of view character doesn't talk like he's writing an essay--he talks like he's having a conversation with the reader. As in, he sounds interesting, and not everything he says has meaning. It's like eating more vegetables by hiding the not-so-savory taste with something tastier, like meat. The taste of the meat hides the nutrients in the vegetables, and in the same way the entertainment value of the story/conversation hides the importance of the message. But in order for that to happen, the reader actually has to ignore the message. Otherwise, the reader won't pay attention at all and the message doesn't get across. I don't know if any of that made sense but you know what I mean.
Alright, so let's get to the highlights and we'll finally wrap this story up, shall we?
Is that supposed to be 'trust me' there or what? Also, I think you should just say 'others'. Other friends sounds weird.
Who said that? Add a 'someone' or 'a wise person' there or something.
Put a 'have'.
Add a 'the'.
Evaluated is what you mean there.
Good job on this one. Also, I'll check into the others later, I need to get to sleep.
Signing out,
--EM.
The main character is just really telling the reader what she has seen. Lol for the 'trust' it's what we say here. It is like trust me, but less words, I guess.
Can I be brutally, bluntly, and completely honest?
I understand if the main character is just telling us what she's seen.
But the way she's saying it, she's saying it like my history teacher would lecture me. It just--it's not interesting enough to catch the reader's eyes, and it sort of turns off some people. I suggest, instead of starting out with a well known fact, you go for the "why the living hell did you say that" route. For example, if you started the book with "For the sake of your dignity, never chuck a gun up your mouth without locking the bathroom door." or, in meme language, "I came to get my drivers license and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now." Anything to catch the readers attention, and anything to keep the readers attention. Yes, she's just telling us what she has seen. She can tell us what she has seen in a more interesting way.
Also, I didn't know people just said 'trust' where you are. Sorry.
I understand.