Beyond return. (First post on YWS!)

Hi Soulsaver. Welcome to YWS! Anyway, you've got some fairly good help from the people above me so all I have to say is: I like this poem. The rhyming is pretty good. I hope you post more.
~Ladypurple.

Hey Soul Saver I really enjoyed this poem! After looking at your first draft I think after you edited it, it really helped it! Job well done, By the way welcome to YWS. In the future I will lookout for more of your posts!
Thanks for posting!

Hi, and welcome to YWS.
I like this poem, the beginning starts off good but the contents are simple. Your punctuation is pretty bad though, you need a lot of commas.

His face was frozen
lost in pain.
His face was lost The fact that you repeated "Lost" ruins the poems' rhythm.
in memories. Since you go on to talk about what kind of memories then use a different punctuation mark, like a colon.

Memories that twisted
and ripped his soul

Rripped him of his heart. (Rripped) Comma
Ripped him of his mind.[center] (Forgot to remove that extra "center", eh?

Stripped him of
all his pride. Comma instead of period
Robbed him of
his steady hands. Comma

Stole away his
wedding bands.

Now all thats left This should be "That's."
is this shell. Comma, not period.
Held together by bands of chain
and bands of gold.

Forever the same. Can't use a period here.
He is beyond return

Welcome to YWS!
So, I like the rhyming in this and the meaning.

His face was frozen,
lost in pain.
His face was lost
in memories. Here, I don't think both of the "his face was" parts are needed.

Memories that twisted
and ripped his soul

Rripped him of his heart.
Ripped him of his mind.

Stripped him of
all his pride.
Robbed him of
his steady hands.

Stole away his
wedding bands.

Now all that's left
is this shell.
Held together by bands of chain Maybe just "chains" here.
and bands of gold.

Forever the same.
He is beyond return.