Published September 7, 2010
Walking in lonely roads , i feel lost
Haters desire evil , rust
you in my heart , i feel free
missing you wilking walking lonely roads
my heart warms the good and rejects the bad
all our memories that we have had
i believed in your love , i'm glad
there is a long road to my heart
you have to be strong and hold on strong enough
dont worry , you are always welcome home!
Afterall you've been through
my heart will serve you daily
call me and i'll be there
no day or second is occupied
you can control my heart as you like
but i'm fragile !! Please dont break me!
love me , care for me and we will walk together and live at my place , my heart
24/ 7 vacancies and service .
GLAD TO BE AT YOUR SERVICE!
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141,364 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
hello I'm gonna review for ya' today.
Blue = great how it is
Red = didn't make sense try re- writing a little
Green = extra super-duper liked this
Orange = Spelling mistake
Walking in lonely roads , i feel lost
Haters desire evil , rust
you in my heart , i feel free
missing you wilking walking lonely roads
my heart warms the good and rejects the bad
all our memories that we have had
i believed in your love , i'm glad
there is a long road to my heart
you have to be strong and hold on strong enough
dont worry , you are always welcome home!
Afterall you've been through
my heart will serve you daily
call me and i'll be there
no day or second is occupied
you can control my heart as you like
but i'm fragile !! Please dont break me!
love me , care for me and we will walk together and live at my place , my heart
24/ 7 vacancies and service .
a few other things you have some spelling and grammar mistakes and just go through this with spell check. also where it says "but I'm fragile!!" you don't need 2 exclamation points so get rid of one I don't care if it's the one on the right or the left just part with one of them
ALSO cap your I 's I know how hard it can be to remember to do that but just read through it again and make sure the all your single I's are caps
OVER ALL I like this it has a sense of hope about it, and we all need more hope in our lives.
great job keep it up!
~Adeera
Hi SoulRider! Welcome to the Young Writers' Society! I hope you will get some good reviews here, as well as do a bit of reviewing, yourself. Wish to see you around!
You don't have too many mistakes here, other than those which Calligraphy corrected. I noticed, however, that she switched all of your lowercase "I"s to capital ones. In poetry, it's fine to have lowercased "I"s. In that event, though, you should make sure all of your letters are lowercased, so people don't think you've changed your proper nouns into common nouns by mistake.
Once again, welcome to YWS!
- Abigail
Hi, and welcome to the site. I hope to see you around. I am sorry If my review is harsh.
I suggest going over this poem looking for grammar mistakes. This poems is like one run on sentence that has commas put in at the oddest places. The result is choppy. When you read it out loud it sounds like you were trying to make it rhyme or have rhythm or something. But, you don't have either. I suggest reading it out loud. Make sure to pause at the end of each line and each time you have a comma, exclamation point, or period. Try to make it sound smoother. I also suggest putting Capitals at the beginning of each line or the beginning of each sentence.
Hope I helped,
A. S.