Hey YWS! Whoop! I'm on a roll! Here is my third 'Poem with a moral' for you to enjoy!
Trevor the Tyrant was a vulgar young brat, With a heart of stone and a belly of fat. He marched up to kids and stole their candy, And when they mocked him his fists came in handy.
Proud of his skinhead, mean and tough, It’d come back to haunt him, soon enough. One day at school, a boy walking past, Was carrying a wallet which Trevor pinched fast. The boy cried out loud and chased the huge thug, And Trevor embraced him with a strong strangling hug.
After a punch, a kick and surrender, The bully bought out the entire drink vender. He went to the playground with a supply of Pop, And when the kids stared he didn’t even stop.
He slurped and he drank to his hearts content, So he didn’t have to waste the money he’d spent. But after his last bottle his face shook with fear, And a wet patch on his pants began to appear. The children around him laughed in their watch, As Trevor flushed red and covered his crotch.
The crowd giggled, they chanted and teased, And all in all Trevor didn’t look pleased. No matter how hard he tried to fight back, The tears kept on coming and he couldn’t attack.
He felt so small, he wanted to run, But his legs stayed still as he’d learnt what he’d done. Finally he felt his victim’s pain, And Trevor the Tyrant never bullied again.
Well, he started panicking because he was aobut to wet himself...and it was because he drank loads. He finally felt we and he felt like his victims had when he bullied them so that's why he didn't fight back. He realised what a monster he was.
I liked this, but eh...why was Trevor scared? Did the kids staring make him nervous and then he sweated, OR did he pee his pants? And if he peed his pants, WHY? I'm totaaaallllyyyy confused. And why was he crying? Why couldn't he attack?
Haha, I absolutely adored this poem! I was actually laughing by the end. :) I loved your rhythm as well as the story. Keep writing! This was fantastic! :)
I need to get to writing because I have some tough competition. You are so good. How long did it take you to write this? Or have you already had this peace of brilliance? Keep on writing, like I said at first. because the more you post on here the better you get. and I am not lying, I promise. And, as we all know, a promise is a promise which is why you can't run from one.
Sop. Okay. So, since this isn't really a serious poem, it's pretty hard to give a serious review.
I'll start off by saying that by the end of this, I was actually laughing instead of just grinning at its silliness, which is saying something. Usually, I grin and find funny poems amusing, but there was something about this that actually got me laughing. It might have been the flow and the rhymes, or maybe just because the story reminds me of a past life experience. (Please note that I wasn't the bully, I just knew a bully.)
Which brings me to how much I adored the rhyming scheme. Usually, I despise those things with a burning passion. (*Usually*) They seem to limit the word choice, ruin the flow and turn the last word of certain last lines into something forced and that doesn't make sense with the rest of the poem. (Or something cliché) And I hate all of those things, even in nonsensical, silly poems.
But. You somehow managed to avoid this, especially the forced lines. All of the rhymes seemed so natural, so-- bonus respect points for that. xD
Otherwise, I'm not quite sure what to tell you other than keep up the good work! Sorry I couldn't give a serious review, but I don't think it's possible to do that with silly poetry. (I think I've said that already.)
If you ever want another review, let me know! There's a link to my WRFF thread in my signature.
Thanks for reviewing that! I got the inspiration simply because we where writing poems like these at school so I decided to write a collection of them.
I was thinking about changing that line because I wasn't too sure if it made sense so I'll consider changing it!
And I also only like poems that rhyme. It makes them more entertaining in my opinion
Anyway thanks again for taking the time to read that!
'dusts off keyboard' It's been a while since I've reviewed...and what better way to get started again than with this entertaining poem?
First: I thought it was funny. It reminded me of Shel Silverstein quite a bit (was that your inspiration for these? )
Second: I really only enjoy poems that rhyme. When I saw that this was telling a story, I freaked because I thought it wouldn't rhyme and I wouldn't be as inclined to review it. But you did a very nice job keeping the rhymes in time (no rhyming intended there.)
However, I did see one thing that you might want to consider changing:
The children around him laughed in their watch, As Trevor flushed red and covered his crotch.
I would change that too:
The children around him laughed #FF0000 ">as they watched, #FF0000 ">Poor Trevor flush red and cover his crotch.
(Wow, changed that a lot more then I meant too...) For me that makes more sense, but it isn't exactly an error you NEED to change.
All in all, very nice work! I'd love to check out the two others you've written, and any new ones you make!
- G
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Ah, Ok. Sorry I didn't get it.
Well, he started panicking because he was aobut to wet himself...and it was because he drank loads.
He finally felt we and he felt like his victims had when he bullied them so that's why he didn't fight back. He realised what a monster he was.
I liked this, but eh...why was Trevor scared? Did the kids staring make him nervous and then he sweated, OR did he pee his pants? And if he peed his pants, WHY? I'm totaaaallllyyyy confused. And why was he crying? Why couldn't he attack?
Thank you so much!
Lele, it took me about 3 hours to write the poem and edit it.
Haha, I absolutely adored this poem! I was actually laughing by the end. :) I loved your rhythm as well as the story. Keep writing! This was fantastic! :)
I need to get to writing because I have some tough competition. You are so good. How long did it take you to write this? Or have you already had this peace of brilliance? Keep on writing, like I said at first. because the more you post on here the better you get. and I am not lying, I promise. And, as we all know, a promise is a promise which is why you can't run from one.
Sop. Okay. So, since this isn't really a serious poem, it's pretty hard to give a serious review.
I'll start off by saying that by the end of this, I was actually laughing instead of just grinning at its silliness, which is saying something. Usually, I grin and find funny poems amusing, but there was something about this that actually got me laughing. It might have been the flow and the rhymes, or maybe just because the story reminds me of a past life experience. (Please note that I wasn't the bully, I just knew a bully.)
Which brings me to how much I adored the rhyming scheme. Usually, I despise those things with a burning passion. (*Usually*) They seem to limit the word choice, ruin the flow and turn the last word of certain last lines into something forced and that doesn't make sense with the rest of the poem. (Or something cliché) And I hate all of those things, even in nonsensical, silly poems.
But. You somehow managed to avoid this, especially the forced lines. All of the rhymes seemed so natural, so-- bonus respect points for that. xD
Otherwise, I'm not quite sure what to tell you other than keep up the good work! Sorry I couldn't give a serious review, but I don't think it's possible to do that with silly poetry. (I think I've said that already.)
If you ever want another review, let me know! There's a link to my WRFF thread in my signature.
~~Cass
.
Thanks for reviewing that!
I got the inspiration simply because we where writing poems like these at school so I decided to write a collection of them.
I was thinking about changing that line because I wasn't too sure if it made sense so I'll consider changing it!
And I also only like poems that rhyme. It makes them more entertaining in my opinion
Anyway thanks again for taking the time to read that!
-Sop
'dusts off keyboard' It's been a while since I've reviewed...and what better way to get started again than with this entertaining poem?
)
First: I thought it was funny. It reminded me of Shel Silverstein quite a bit (was that your inspiration for these?
Second: I really only enjoy poems that rhyme. When I saw that this was telling a story, I freaked because I thought it wouldn't rhyme and I wouldn't be as inclined to review it. But you did a very nice job keeping the rhymes in time (no rhyming intended there.)
However, I did see one thing that you might want to consider changing:
I would change that too:
(Wow, changed that a lot more then I meant too...) For me that makes more sense, but it isn't exactly an error you NEED to change.
All in all, very nice work! I'd love to check out the two others you've written, and any new ones you make!
- G