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140,099 Literary Works • 672,999 Reviews
Hey Sopster,
I really liked the clevernesss of your voice in this poem, and the altogether lightheartedness in the way that you presented the death of a boy. It was very funny, as intended, and the rhythm seems a bit awkward in some spots in teh beginning, but it's nothing I would worry about. I think I've reviewed other work by you but I forgot, is a lot of the poetry you write like this? You're very talented.
-Alex
Thank you very much, Lele.
I'm working on some more so I'll put them on here as soon as possible!
I seriously can't get enough of your poems. They are funny and have great morals. And, like I said last time, the rhyming and the wording are the best parts. i really like it, keep writing more. i am going to go review some more of them. They are so good.
I thought this poem was really funny! Nice one!
this is a great poem from what seems to be a great writer. this is truly amazing. every line is perfect, every sylable, every rhyme. not heard a poem this good in a long time. you should be very proud of yourself, you really should. 10 out of 10 from me.
Your probably getting totally bored of me thanking you but I have to say it one more time! This piece is now a featured work so thank you!
Thank you so much for your lovely comments! I'm thinking of writing some more of these poems with morals so I'll probably put some more on as soon as possible! Thanks again!
It was sweet. I liked every part of it.
It was scary that he had to die though.
You are good. Keep at it.
That's really cool. Humerous and witty. He sounds a bit like me... I eat a lot
That was so funny! I loved the ending
I liked the constant rhyming and such, really good.
One word filled his mind, that word being FEED!So late one night while his parents slept,Into the pantry was where he crept.He raided the cupboards for something to munch,And on the top shelf was the shortbread crunch.
That was my favourite part ahahahaahaha
Awesome!
This was genuinly so much fun too read, and it's funny how you added a little morale to it too.
"One word filled his mind, that word being FEED!" This is the only line that stands out as needing a tiny bit of editing. The rhythm stumbles a bit here, and 'Feed' needs... what are they? Those little '' things around it.
Other than that, I applaud you, and thank you for such a pleasurable read.
-Ten
Thank you! Yeah I'll change that bit
haha
By the way, it's now been edited
Haha!
This is really good, should be a childrens poem... (apart from the part where he bleed's to death O_O 
I really like it, but once or twice, the fluency of the words can go off track a little.
But, wow, overall VERY VERY GOOD!~
Keep writing
Thank you for the 'likes' too!
Thanks guys for the brilliant and useful comments! Oh and Sionarama, would you mind if I changed it to 'As his head hit the floor, his last breath was puffed,' ? I won't change it unless you reply but I'll be really thankfull if you do let me!
I was thinking of doing a book of poems with morals for kids. Obviously, they won't be as morbid as this one! I do apologise, I am a bit of a 'disturbed' writer! I like my murder mysteries and horror stories! 
x
-Sophie
I really enjoyed this! It was amusing and reminded me a bit of 'Matilda' by Hilaire Belloc and Augustus Gloop (?) from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! And I mean that in a good way. I can really picture Roberto, and I actually quite liked the end. It made me laugh, although I agree that it might be a bit dark for children. Some of your lines were a tad awkward, but I think that could be fixed if you read it out loud. Another great piece! This got a 'like'!
Sophie
OMG!! Amazing!! Superb!! This poem is great and should be published as a children's book. I can just see Roberto and his mother and how he slips from the pantry with a surprised look on his face and a doughnut in his mouth. The only problem I had was the ending. Don't scare the poop out of the kid! Make it sound, you know, less frightening like he died contented, which he did.
the only thing I don't like is the line:
"As his head bled his last breath was puffed".
That's a little too morbid for kids. I wouldn't publish that if it had it in it! Since it is important too the rhyme sceme, I would write it like this:
"As his head hit the floor(,)his last breath was puffed".
Hope your poem is published!
~sionarama
p.s.
think about it!!