Heroine
She knows I long for her,
Despite the staring she causes,
Despite the sickness she brings me,
Forgetting all the costs
Never mind the wounds she’s left me,
The secrets I'm hiding,
The long sleeves, hair in face,
The dependency on her
Because without her sweet poison
Her piercing caress
I’m pained and I’m shivering
And I'm violent and careless
And without her I'm stuck here,
In reality with all its slings,
No numbness to hold me
No dreams to cage me
In the night, I’ll cry out
Please save me
Heroin.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Uh oh, starting to get a bit too proud of this poem. I think i might start writing ALL my poems in the bath.... *cough*
Really Nice.. I liked it alot The '' Heroin.'' part just adds this special thing to it Verrry nice
I have to agree the ''slings'' part is indeed a bit odd
But still a nice job
Nothing I can add on to what others have already said.
Very powerful poem.
Yay. Well I'm very pleased with Snoink's comment.
forest_ofthe_nightingale - I kinda see what you mean about the careless thing.
And xanthan gum - the slings bit (kinda stolen from Hamlet), it suggests thudding, smashing, thundering stones - as apposed to sharp, peircing, raining arrows
As someone who has researched heroin quite a bit, I did like this poem. This has to be my favorite line:
Nice research. Nice poem.
"I’m pained and I’m shivering"
Nice to incorporate the goosebumps (going cold turkey) that a withdrawl of heroin into the poem! It shows research and thought. And to put it in a poetic form... awesome. Simply awesome.
Good job. I looked for scientific errors, but found none.
I like the last word a lot. I'm just going to tell you that first.
I love the images this gives me, but the last line doesn't quite seem to fit. Maybe you should reword it. The ideas are perfect, just the last line of wording throws it a bit off.
Third line is a bit awkward. Otherwise, I like this stanza.
This also brings wonderful images, but "careless" really doesn't fit with the other words. It's of a different quality, if you know what I mean. Like if you grouped " seething, writhing, twisting, hating", the word "hating" doesn't quite fit, if you know what I'm talking about. If not, forget all I just said.
At first this didn't make sense; it's like a sharp turn into darkness. But it's great now that I get it.
Kind of a weak ending. "heroin" is good, but the lines before it aren't closing lines. Try to stick with the word groups you've been using for a more powerful, effective finish. Overall, it's a good poem. Minor adjustments required.
if you spelled "heroine" wrong at the end by accident, don't change it. if you did that on purpose - great.
the flow of the poem could be tied more smoothly, and the rhythm was a bit off.
--this was a bit jolting, i suppose.
--slings? it sounds odd to me for some reason.
despite the above critiques, this is a really good poem. it has good quality and i loved the meaning of it, as well as the language. =]