Out of all the girls here, you seem to like me,
I knew you always did,
And you knew I did too.
Both of us were difficult.
And both of us hid.
But now, without distraction,
Our mutual attraction,
Is open, and vulnerable to the world.
Around us people work, busy and motivated,
I sit, in a daze, lazing,
And you woo me on your guitar.
Sunlight falls from the window,
And trickles down your back.
Blessing every string,
On that hypnotizing guitar.
At lunchtime we’ll walk,
Converse of lives and secrets,
We’ll laugh. Oh, we’ll laugh.
And sometimes our eyes will meet,
Caught for just a second,
I’ll search through your soul.
And given just a moment,
I’ll feel through your heart.
I’ll jokily insult you, and you’ll compliment me.
And I smile, and you’ll laugh.
And we’ll both know.
And we’ll both feel it.
And though our mouths shan’t tell,
Though it’s hard to keep them shut,
I’ll tell you with these words,
And you’ll tell me with your guitar.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The poem has a good focus and I think using the guitar as a device to concentrate the entire poem around is a very good idea. Just a note, it's "jokingly," not "jokily." There are a few other things but overall it's pleasant to read. Poetry in general, I find, is difficult both to comment on and to take comments for because it is something that's usually personal. I enjoyed it, and though, as some others have said, it's simplistic, it has a slight charm of its own. It's not something you would splash around but it is the sort of thing you would write in your journal or to give to a friend, and as that it's well done.
dido what everyone else said, but i would also like to add the fact, that even though this poem was simple--and probably not the best thing you've written, however, you chose a difficult subject to write on and considering that, that would make this poem not exceptional, but running very close to it.
I agree with everyone who has suggested more lanaguage with flair. At the moment this reads like a poorly constructed story that has been moved onto separate lines for each point. To be honest, I really don't like it.
"I knew you always did,
And you knew I did too. "
I'm sorry, but this is the sort of thing an 8 year old writes, and I'd like to see a lot more of your talent shown rather than just stating what is happening and leaving the reader to bore themselves to sleep.
The second stanza sees some improvement - in fact, this was the only good part of the poem.
The last two stanzas once again fall into that horrible teenage angst cliche stuff I see on everybodys poem. We want something different, not regurgitated poetry. It's like one day a kid was sick and everbody has caught the bug and is being sick. Disgusting analogy, I'm sure you'll agree, but it expresses my point.
ok! i agree this is too simple but there's lots potential. I like the guitar alot! YAY guitar power. I suggest that you use it like you did in your last stanza as a communication between the main character and the dude of her dreams. Build on that, be creative and dont just tell the emotion, SHOW it! Language is sorta holding you back a bit (i'm not suggesting that you whip out a thesaurus but..) use flavourful words that makes the emotion alive to the reader. But keep up the good work, guitars are a mystical instrument so do them justice gurl!
it's almost too simple. i can't quite put my finger on it but there is something missing. maybe just the language is too blah. make the languge a little more elaborate and it would be better. but i enhoyed it- it's refreshing to read a poem that isn't about losing love/hating love/wanting love. makes me happy to know SOMEone has it!
i am such a sucker for guys who play guitar. when a guy plays a guitar really well, i kind of feel my heart freefall.
Lee
Anything bad about this...hmm lemme think...Nope. Can't think of anything bad to say about this. Excellent.