Published December 11, 2005
I liked to watch her
when they'd begin to turn on her
and she'd cut them short with a dry humoured remark.
Or when her eyes burned as people openly broke
promises and spilled her secrets for all to see.
At first I thought I liked it
when her hands where splashed scarlet
though no one around her was injured
and her sleeves where down.
Then I realised it was better when she beat them to the ground
and splayed their blood around.
They said she began to loose it
when the drugs took over her soul
- I dont think she ever had it
Therefore the drugs just made her whole.
A whole with dark bags, and trackmarks in arms
and other parts of her anatomy unknown.
Although, certainly not unknown to everyone.
They said she'd done a lot of shit with a lot of people
Especially people already taken.
One of the reasons she was so hated.
But they never saw her, did they?
in the art room after school?
She'd switch on some music and dance around
While I finished the never found
homework in the corner. And watch her out the corner
of my fascinated eye.
Sometimes she wrote lyrics, and performed them to me
Accompanied by air guitar and table-drumming
Sometimes it was a real guitar, real strumming
I learnt her
like from a book
But they never knew her.
Never gave her the chance.
Even at the funeral.
They dismiss the coffin
At a glance.
But I,
I looked deeper.
And I think I understood
That terrible cliche
So misunderstood
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I like it!
I noticed you have a bit of inconsistancy with the capitalization. Sometimes you capitalize only the first letter in the sentence, and sometimes you capitalize the first letter of every line.
Also, I'm curious how she died. Did she kill herself, or did someone kill her? Or was it some disease she got from doing all those drugs? All seem possible.
How close is this girl to the narator? Are they friends? It seems that way when she shows the narator her lyrics, but up untill then it seems like the narator only watched her from a distance.
Anyway, nice work! It seems really believable, and your tone is great; really soft and sincere sounding.
It was good.
The way you made a character and portrayed both side to her. Good stuff.
I liked that a low, and though I'm bad at critiquing poetry, I thought it was very beautiful! It reminds me of my 8th grade year.
I've always said to poetry writers that I like, about my imaginary poetry book. Where I keep all the poetry I really, really like and want to remember. This would be a poem I'd write down in my imaginary poetry book. I really loved it. It's so impressive and touching.
Maybe I'll finally make my imaginary poetry book real...
What on earth made you go calling this up from the burning pits of the past??
I'm actually quite grateful though, I could do things with this. And thank you for your suggestions, I'll come back with a rewrite soon.
Who are you?
i like this alot- really. Especially the "table drumming... real strumming" bit- but i thought certain things could do with just sharpening up a little:
"I dont think she ever had it
Therefore the drugs just made her whole."
the "Therefore" just sounds a bit awkward here, like you're writing an essay. I don't think that phrase even needs a preposition or- if any- it should be "So"
"Sometimes [it was] real guitar, real strumming"
More concise, flowing without the 'it was'.
I think the rhyme throughout is great because it seems natural but the rhyming on the 2nd to last paragraph sounds a little...forced?
The last paragraph was a teeny bit cliche but i like how you did in fact mention cliche in it- it made the structure and everything more plausible.
reminds me abit of that song kelly something out of destiny's child did about a girl who died that no one ever took any notice of..
I like personal details a lot like "when her sleeves were down". Can't stand general impersonal things like "she was beautiful".So you did well on that front.
It is kinda a poem though, isn't it? Should I have put it in Other Poetry?.... Not sure why I didn't in the first place... I guess it's because it's part of this kinds series thing so... I dunno.
But it doesn't flow like a poem. But not all poems do.
This is great.
I liked bits and pieces, not quite the whole thing. Solid work though.
*tear* thats really sad...theres nothing much else i can say lol its midnight and im sweepy but i just wanted you to know i think thats so sad and very well written
Isn't this a poem, the way it is structured? Sorry if I sound mean... It's good anyway, I just really suck at poems and stuff that really look like poems.
Obviously not then........
[quote="Griffinkeeper"]Whatever the content of this is, the structure of it is all askew. This makes it harder to follow.quote]
Care to ellaborate?
Whatever the content of this is, the structure of it is all askew. This makes it harder to follow. Is this a poem?
Tremendous. It's a life of a girl I would never like to get close with put in a nutshell. I really don't have much to say, the life was so defined.
It was great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
