Published September 24, 2005
He struck a chord when he played those chords
My mind went racing back
Spinning through time, and whirring colours
Blue then pink, red than black
I crashed back down into the scene
And watched what I'd watched before
My favourite daydream, that only swirled my head
Once the key was fitted and turned in the door
His eyes full of calm concentration, when open
His fingers gently blessing strings
My heart fluttering pathetically with a slient sigh
My mind blank of unimportant things
The room, though not, felt empty but for we three
Him, me, and his then new guitar
Light flowed in through the window, trickled down his back
His chords echo afar
I swirl and whir back, blinded by colour
Thumping back into my seat
I'll look everywhere but at him
In case our eyes meet
The present room is candlelit and filled with smiles
People on table, floor and chair
Music, singing, green bottles in hands
Him in the centre, the light on his hair
I spirale back in time once again with new colours
Golden blonde of hair
My head fills with his familiar scent
And Im fixed by his blue stare
My eyes well with tears at his cruelties
Deep down he sighs from mine
He hurt me because I hurt him, but I felt he did first
Truth trickling out took time
Eventually clouds shifted, leaving the sky clear
But no sun shone through
The clouds had turned to stars, some falling
I cried then too
I tumble back, my bones breaking
It's not fixed even now
If someone knows how to get back his friendship
Please tell me now
I refuse to fall back in love with him
As he plays his old guitar
So I'll just dream of being close, as we were
As his lover watches from afar
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You're really good at description and imagery.
Only problems I see are that a few of the lines are slightly awkward, and some punctuation needs to be changed or added.
I really like the idea and feelings it gives though.
Thanks. I agree about the awkwardness of:
"The room, though not, felt empty but for we three
Him, me, and his then new guitar"
See what you mean about the "His chords echo afar". I'm constanly stuck in a four line A, B, A, C rhyming scheme, and I'm not that good at it, so I end up forcing. But I think I wanted to say that the same song was echoed in the present.
"red than black" should be "red then black"
"The room, though not, felt empty but for we three
Him, me, and his then new guitar"
Sounds awkward and... I dunno. That second line looks wrong.
"His chords echo afar" sounds like a forced rhyme, but the meter is off, so it doesn't work.
Also watch for punctuation. There are many spots you left it out, and it doesn't seem purposeful.
Overall, thought, I like this poem. Very sad, very emotional- you're great with words and imagery.
It is personal, that may explain why you can't get some of it. And it is related to my previous poem Your Guitar.