12+ Mature Content

Hold You Close

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II

We walked until our feet were so sore we couldn’t walk anymore. Nearby there was an old hospital. We walked towards it, when we grew close Betty put her arms out and stopped us. “Let me check it out,” she whispered. She hid us in some nearby bushes, and went in the hospital. About 7 minutes later she came and got us, and we all ventured into the dark hospital.When we got about 20 feet down the hall we made a right hand turn down another hall. The hall had blue wallpaper, but now had blood splattered all over its light soothing color. Finally we made it to room 478, we all climbed inside, and for the second time barricaded the door. I set Fran down on the bed, and made sure she was fine. Betty told us she was going to try to find some medical supplies, and that she’d be right back.

Well about 45 minutes later there was no sign of Betty.I grew anxious, finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I flung open the door, not thinking at all. About 10 of those things were outside the door, one with Betty’s gold chained necklace in its mouth. I hurried and shut the door fast, when it was closed I fell to the floor tears welling in my eyes.I felt the hot tears fall down my face, the ones I’d felt many times before. Betty was gone.

What would we do, where would we go? How would we survive? We survived without her before. We would make it. At that point I was tired of loss. I filled with rage, I grabbed a piece of a broken mirror of the floor, and once again flung the door open. I killed every single zombie out there without a scratch. I told Fran to stay put under the bed, and that I’d be back. I raced down the hall looking for Betty. I found the supply closet where I assumed she’d be looking for supplies at the time of the attack. And guess what I was right there lay Betty, unconscious, but there were no bite marks. I shook Betty awake; she gave me a weak smile.

“Where’s Fran?” her face grew worried.

“In the room, she’ll be fine. I hid her,” I trusted her to stay hid.

“We have to get back.” She said as she tried to stand up.

“Okay.”

We walked as fast as Betty could go. Finally we made it back. Fran was still under the bed. I grabbed Betty the chair and had her sit down. “What happened out there?”

“I got cornered, I held off one with my necklace. Found the closest closet ran in and shut the door. Tripped and hit my head knocking me unconscious.”

“You scared me half to death. What would we have done without you?”
“I’m so sorry sweetheart, I never meant to…” she said wrapping her arms around Fran and I.

It was growing dark outside, and Fran and I were exhausted. When I woke up Fran was curled up against me. Her warm body, steady breathing, and beating heart were beside me. That’s what I was thankful for. I remember her first steps, her little stumbling legs made a tapping noise against the hardwood floor. I miss mom and dad. Our life. The life that took so long to construct, it was all gone. Betty woke up about 15 minutes after me. She looked over at me from the chair she was sleeping in. A faint smile spread across her face.

“How’d you sleep?” she asked.

“Okay I guess. Still trying to wrap my head around the world ending thing.”

“Yeah, that could take some getting used to.” She smirked.

“What’s today’s plan?” I asked.

“Getting the heck out of here.”

We woke up Fran and packed all our stuff.We cautiously opened the door and snuck out of the building without being noticed. We began walking down a paved highway covered in browning leaves. That was the sign, winter was coming. We had no coats, and it would get cold. Poor little Fran, if we couldn’t find warm clothes she would surely freeze. I tried not to think about it, the world was rough all over; I had to stay positive, or the world would beat me to my knees.

I remember school; my best friend Ingrid who was in my class. We’d spent so much time together, every second we could. A smile swept across my face just thinking about Ingrid, and her dark brown hair, her brown eyes, and tan skin. Where was she now, I couldn’t imagine that. That was one thing this world did, it took everything you loved chewed it up and spit it out. Literally.

My thoughts about my past life had to stop, for all I know everything I once held close is gone. All I had now was the present, the time I had with Fran and Betty, the time I had alive. Betty grabbed my arm and whispered,

“Run into the forest, don’t look up, run into the forest and find a tree. Climb up high, take Fran with you.”

I turned to my right and ran deep into the forest. Fran was a sleep in the holder on my back. I assumed the monsters were behind us, but had no idea. I turned my head to make sure Betty was coming; she was about ten feet behind us. The monsters, almost 50 were approaching us, slowly but still coming. I found a tree and hustled up it as fast as I could with a sleeping 2 year old on my back. I finally got up high and searched the ground for Betty, she was 2 feet from the base of the tree.

“Up here Betty!” I yelped.

She began the climb up the tree. The monsters passed by the tree not noticing the three people up here. We waited up here for a few hours resting, and preparing for the long walk ahead.

“I’m hungry.” Fran whimpered.

“I know honey, we’ll get food when we get somewhere safe.” I whispered to her.

“But I want food now.”She whined.

“I’m sorry, but you’ll just have to wait.” Betty told her.

We climbed down from the tree and began walking on the highway again. Hopefully we would find a vehicle. SOON. My wish came true, 50 yards ahead a light green Subaru Forester sat on the side of the road. We hustled over there, looked inside before getting in. A new technique we needed in this new world. “Check before entering.” We all climbed inside; there was even a car seat for Fran. Who had sat in this before Fran? A grim image popping in my head. Had it been a little girl just like Fran not destined for this world. Once again I had to ignore the past and worry about now, and now I would put my sister in the car where she would be safe. Betty started the car while I hopped into the passenger side. A half tank of gas, it was a start. No more walking, at least for now.

After driving for about 30 minutes I spotted a person or monster a few feet ahead. As we grew closer I saw it wasn’t a monster but a woman and what seemed to be her daughter. We stopped while the flagged us down by flailing their arms. I rolled down my window, the woman looking like she was in her mid-30s thanked us.

“Have either of you been bit?” I asked.

“No we are clean, I promise.” She answered.

“Get in, quick.” The monsters were coming and fast.

They got in the back with Fran, the woman adjusted her daughter in the seat who looked to be about six. “My name is Alex and this is Jaylee,” the woman told us.

“I’m Scotty, you two are sitting by Fran my two year old sister, and the one driving is Betty our guardian.”

“I can’t thank you enough for stopping we’ve been walking for days on end. I was so exhausted, so was Jaylee.”

“People are running low any live human is a advantage, we should be thanking you for surviving.” Betty said.

We drove for another 45 minutes. We finally made it to a department store. I explained how winter was coming so we needed to get warm clothes. But we needed to get in and out, quick. We grabbed our weapons and went into the store. I had asked Alex to hold my sister while we scoped the store. After we cleared it everyone began scavenging. I found Fran a set of leggings and a long sleeve shirt, a pair of jeans to go over, a nice black winter coat, and a set of gloves mittens and a hat. I also grabbed a light jacket for her for the time being. When the world ended I guess not many people were worried about fashion; the store was basically full.

I grabbed myself a few things too, then bagged it up. I grabbed Fran in one arm carrying our stuff in the other. I checked on everyone else, mentioning we needed to leave soon. Everyone understood so they finished up and we hustled out of the store. After we threw all our new clothes in the trunk we set off. We needed to go to a grocery store.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
ExOmelas
Review

', when we grew close Betty put her arms out and stopped us.' - this should be a new sentence.

And you should start a new paragraph for the direct speech.

', we all climbed inside' - this should be a new sentence.

'I filled with rage, I grabbed' - I think this comma should be 'and'.

Wow, I was not expecting zombies. You might want to work that in earlier.

'I found the supply where I assumed she’d be looking for supplies at the time of the attack.' - either 'supply' or 'supplies' should be a different word. I don't think you can look for a supply in a supply.

',” I trusted her to stay hid.' - this comma should be a full stop.

'back.” She said' - and this full stop should be a comma.

It's a comma when the next verb is a speaking verb and a full stop when the next verb is any other sort of action eg smile, turn or in your case trust.

'The life that took so long to construct, it was all gone. ' - this should either be a semi-colon instead of a comma or take out the 'it was'.

'That was the sign, winter was coming.' - this comma should be a colon.

'My thoughts about my past life had to stop, for all I know everything I once held close is gone.' - in this paragraph you switch tenses a lot. For example you go from 'had' - past tense - to 'know' - present tense.

'We stopped while the flagged us down by flailing their arms.' - 'the' should be 'she'.

'Alex to hold my sister while he scoped the store' - who is 'he'?


Okay, plot stuff. This is a very exciting story. Towards the end I could picture everything perfectly and I could sort of see it as the Zombies setting on Call of Duty Black Ops. It seems very desolate which is surely what you're trying to get across with a zombie apocalypse. I was starting to really care about the characters, especially since they seem to have lost their parents.

Is this a second chapter of something? Because it was a short story I was expecting a beginning and an end but this feels far more like a chapter of a novel so I will treat it as such. I haven't read the previous chapters so I'm unfamiliar with the characters, which is my own fault. I therefore cannot say much about characterisation. As far as I could tell however, I didn't see a whole lot of characterisation. At least at the start. Maybe more about how concerned the narrator is for Fran at the start.

Well done :)

User avatar
IamTraunt
Review

Hey! IamTraunt here to review this short story for you!

Nitpicking Time!

About 7 minutes later she came and got us, and we all ventured into the dark hospital.When we got about 20 feet down the hall we made a right hand turn down another hall.

You need to put a space in between the full stop (period) and the when.
-
Well about 45 minutes later there was no sign of Betty.I grew anxious, finally I couldn’t take it anymore.

And again.
-
I filled with rage, I grabbed a piece of a broken mirror of the floor, and once again flung the door open.

The comma after rage needs to be a semi colan (;).
-
And guess what I was right there lay Betty, unconscious, but there were no bite marks.

You need to split these up in different sentences. Like so:
And guess what? I was right. There lay Betty, unconscious, but there were no bite marks.


About 10 of those things were outside the door, one with Betty’s gold chained necklace in its mouth.

Should be gold-chained.

We woke up Fran and packed all our stuff.We cautiously opened the door and snuck out of the building without being noticed.

Space needed between word and full stop.

“But I want food now.”She whined.

You need a space in between your speech marks and your word, eg; she.

Ooo! I loved this story. Sure, you had quite a few mistakes in it, but who doesn't? It really was what you said for the genre. It was full of adventure and it was very, very dramatic. It gave me a thrill reading this. Your story flowed well, fast paced and was intriguing. I liked your characters, they were interesting. Brilliant! It was really good.

Keep it up!



You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer