I wanna be iron, like a lion in Zion
IRON,LION,ZION
Something good in every thing i see
I have a dream
The dream is free
Hard work is sold separately
It may not make sense
But it is from the heart
Battle field of the mind!
I am going to conquer
Like i have conquered!
Somehow, someday, one day, that day
I am gonna rub it in you face
Battle field of the mind
I always have to remember
"ACTA NON VERBA"
It is quite true "Actions speak louder than words".
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey!
This poem has a different topic then I'm used to, which is good! I like the "ACTA NON VERBA." It was different and it really stuck out to me the most in this poem. It's a lot about courage and strength. I really like that. I like the beginning but it didn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. In the line "Something good in everything I see." There are two things I've noticed. 1.) everything (I believe) should be one word 2.) Instead of having I see at the end perhaps put in front of something. So then it will read I see something good in everything. It may be too cliche like but that's what I saw. In the 12th line it says "I am gonna rub it in you face." As someone may have pointed out it should be your. But perhaps it was just a miss. I like the repetition of Battle field of the mind. I really liked this poem but it seems odd it talks about the battle field of the mind but then it says Actions are better than words. Now when I think of the mind I think of words. Now that may not be your interpretation but that's what I thought. Well This has been fun. Overall your poem had great and I hope to see more in the future!
Bye.
Sarah24
This is ZeldaIsShiek signing into YWS today to review some more dramatic poetry! The only comment I can make today for my introductory line is that this really feels like a song from Hamilton. I know I say that a lot, but it really feels and sounds like 'My Shot' or another similar song.
First off, I thought that this was a very nice poem. I liked your choice of words, and how you didn't just spell out the meaning of the entire poem in the description or at the beginning. I always love a poem that gradually introduces itself to the reader!
All praise aside, there were a few things I did not like about this poem. For starters, I didn't understand why you put the words 'IRON, LION, ZION' in this format. I liked the beginning rhymes, but I just didn't get why you had to repeat them afterward. I didn't like that, and I felt that it really broke apart the poem from something you would find in a 'Best Poems, New and Old' book.
Anyways, that should cover it! I hope to review on your work again soon!
-Harrison
Hey, Sophia!
I'm excited that you are trying to write poetry. So far this is a really good start. I found the flow was really good but the formatting/grammar was inconsistent. You sometimes capitalized things and other times didn't. This is okay. Most new poets struggle with how to format their poems because it's not as simple as writing. I also found this a little confusing, especially the "acta non verba" part. I have no idea what that means. I'm guessing it means "Actions speak louder than words" but it's a bit unclear and I just didn't really like that part. That's pretty much all I can say. I didn't love this poem but I didn't hate it either. I recommend adding stanzas and fixing the formatting/grammar. I hope to see more poetry from you in the future!
marmalade